American Muslima Writer -Daring to Work Towards Jannah

Our souls deep within strive and struggle everyday to search for a way to find that deep inner peace, that oneness with the universe and the Creator of All. Realizing your place in the finite yet absolutely enormous reaches of space. Feeling in your heart and mind the answer to lifelong questions that beseech humanity.


Why are we here? What is our purpose in this life? What happens after we die? How can we achieve inner peace and contentment no matter our lot in life?

Many of us in this world and especially those of us in the blogosphere have searched long and hard for these answers. Yet I feel most of us have forgotten this long struggle for our souls. Upon discovering the beauty and perfection in Islam we immediately adapted our lives to follow the ways of our Blessed Prophet Muhammad Sallahu Alayhi wa Salim. We struggled day and night everyday of our lives to learn the words of the prayers and to push our bodies to accept the fasting we willed upon it for the sake of our Lord. Even in poverty we spent from our means to help others and at times we felt it. That peace. That deep inner peace. We feel Allah, our One, Beloved God, and the feeling brings us that peace until tears flow down our faces in gratitude.

Then the troubles and trials of the world interfere and slowly slowly ever so slowly we start forgetting. Easing farther and farther away from that peace. Frustration, sadness, depression, pain, anger, laziness, and exhaustion overwhelm our minds and hearts and we bob out our prayers more like robots than Muslims. We fast trying to sleep as much possible to make only a few hours of pain until we can stuff our faces with the feasts we prepared. Then comes the night, the Night of Power. Therein we strive to make up that lost ground and return to the fold of peace that enveloped our souls at the beginning of our journey in Islam. Some of us succeed and other spend the night in laughing, gossip, and chatter, or worse.

I KNOW that we are faced with ups and down in our Imans. I do know and accept this, BUT....

Just this week I realized I said Shahada August 5, 2001. It has been almost a decade since I said Shahada. A DECADE!


I find it absolutely unacceptable and pathetic that I am not more proficient in Islam. It is unacceptable and pathetic to me that I have not achieved a constant, or EVEN weekly, inner peace.


My soul craves that peace like no other thing right now.


Had I gone to University to become a Doctor I'd have managed to become a Neurological Surgeon by now. How is it then that I have not managed to learn to read Arabic better or speak it more fluently or memorized more Qur'an? How is it I still Struggle to remember to pray my 5 prayers on time without missing one. How is it I used to manage Sunnah Prayers yet now I don't have time? How is it possible that I am not better in Islam.

Islam is Submission to Peace. By following it (Islam) you find that Inner Peace. So by conclusion I can only surmise I am not following it enough. I am missing out on something essential that is not letting me attain this peace within. Am I doing sins? Probably as we all sin. But am I seeking forgiveness and repentance from these sins? Am I beseeching Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala for his forgiveness and to bring myself closer to Him. Am I dedicating my life to His service and way provided by the teachings of the Peaceful Muhammad Sallalahu Alayhi wa Salim? Am I immersing myself too much in worldly life and not enough in spiritual life? Am I forgetting how short this life is and how soon I will be in my grave wishing I had spent my youth and time in Prayer? I must search more to continue the struggle towards Allah.

These are my current 2009 goals to accomplish I'll edit them as I think of more.
Anyone that wants to do this as a tag is welcome to copy/paste.

Home:

• Maintain Cleaning Schedule
• Give away old clothes
• Iron once a week to prevent laundry pileup
• Save money$ to go visit family in Lebanon/USA

Personal:

• Wean brestfeeding son
• Stop biting nails
• Learn proper adab (manners) of a good wife
• Get new abaya
• Help Husband open business
• Lose weight to under 70 kilos (Started at 108, now at 78)

Homeschooling:

• Plan Kindergarten's Curriculum
• -Monthly Units
• --Time
• --Zoo/Farm Animals
• --Addition+Subtraction
• --Arabic Alphabets and Vocabulary
• --Farm Life/Gardening
• --Geography
• --Learn to Read
• -Lapbooks
• -Field Trips and Gatherings
• Read to each child half an hour daily
• Keep my cool
• Maintain a rough schedule
• Firm Bedtime routine

• Post 1 poem per month
• Minimum 10 posts per month
• 3 post per month helping someone/an organization
• 1 post featuring a fellow blogger
• Make new template -3 column
• Make new personalized header reflecting myself

• Fast Ramadan when it comes this year
• Make up past Ramadan days and Pay Expiation
• Learn Arabic Better
• Learn Hanafi Fiqh
• Memorize 1 Surah of Qur'an each month
• -Complete 40 days in a row not missing even 1:
• --6 Daily Prayers (including Witr)
• --No excusable anger
• ----Add a Sunnah Prayer every 40 days after finish the first 40

• Finish writing Rough Draft of current Novel
• Edit (friends) R.D.
• Send Novel to Publisher
• Enter Islamic Poetry Contest

• Have BBQ in Desert
• Have camping adventure
• See Al-Ain Airshow 2009
• Visit friends weekly

I was recently thinking "How poor am I?" I tried to think of a scale and used the American grading scale for my example.

: Very Wealthy: Royalty(A+), Celebrities (A), Upper Class Citizens (A-)

: Well-Off: Mid-Upper Class Citizens (B+), General Business Owners (B), High Ranked Military (B-)
: Normal: Can afford international plane tickets at the drop of a hat (C+), Middle Class Citizens (C), Struggling to keep up appearances of Middle Class but not in debt or under 1,000USD debt(C-)
: Struggling: Can afford home, food, has clothes on back, under 5,000USD* in debt (D+), can only afford home, basic foods like rice, meats, veggies, has clothes on back rarely new though, between 5,000USD to 8,000* USD in debt (D), can only afford studio-one room home, basic foods like rice and meats, gets constantly second hand clothes, between 8,000USD and 12,000USD* OR not in debt but still reduced to basics (D-)
: Poor: Living at the basic means, studio or shack, rice and sometimes meats and veggies, always needs donations of food and clothes, heavily in debt 10-20,000USD* or living in a region of extreme poverty (F+), Living at basics but unable to provide anything for family (F), Starving, stick house, over 25,000USD* in debt, not able to provide for self much less family (F-)

*: Paying back this debt and higher back to zero debt would make them so poor they couldn't live.

These are approximates that I believe people fall into. I heavily weighed my and my families areas and came up with I am "D". I thought about my neighbors who are at D- and realized I had more than them alhamdulliah and upped my status to D. I think there are plenty of agencies that help those in the D- to F+/- area but few who help those in the D through C-. This class of people rely heavily on help from others who are kind enough to swing some money their way to help out with the basics. But many times people of this category believe they have the basics covered so why should they "beg" for money or ask for it. Sure if a friend of family give me money I sure take it with a hearty thank you but I don't ask for it. *ahem except in the case of my parents, may Allah make their lives easy*

A funny thing happened the other day that made me think a lot more about this though. I was going to my second Taraweeh prayers (since i can only go on Friday nights) and my son was being disruptive and had a smelly diaper suddenly and my daughter started running amuk and trying to walk in front of people praying to get Qur'ans so I took them out of there real fast having only prayed Isha'a. I had forgotten my backpack with my son's changings and phone in the car. My husband was in with the men -still praying- so i couldn't just waltz in and ask for him. So I waited outside the masjid and waited and waited and I got tired and sat down on the large cement area. I waited more and some men started leaving. A few passed me looking at me oddly and that got me to thinking... I must look like a beggar sitting here with my kids waiting for someone to take pity on me and give me money (just like i used to see in Lebanon). Then I thought harder about that that if someone did give me some money I surely wouldn't mind. It would be nice to have some money to call my own for once. Suddenly a man walked by and I was keeping track of my wandering son when he back tracked and shyly/nervously offered me a 10dhs. I smiled and thanked him in Arabic and he looked relieved (probably glad I didn't yell at him for thinking I was a beggar). I said alhamdulliah right a way and made du'a for this kind man's family. I was glad I could help someone else attain a good deed by taking the charity he offered. I told my daughter to hold the money for me since abayas don't have pockets. I thought then hey if i sit here long enough maybe I can get enough to buy groceries for the week tonight. So we kept waiting for my husband.... another brother left and passed me then stopped to riffle through his wallet and pulled out another 10dhs. I took it and thanked him. Cause he too wasn't sure if I was a beggar or not. He left relieved I made du'a for his family. Finally my husband came out as I was passing the money to my daughter to hold. He comes and hugs my son then as he hugs my daughter she shouts "These men gave Mama money!" I blushed and he looked at me just shocked. I told him what happened I was just sitting there they mistook me for a beggar and his eyes were as wide as saucers. "They thought you were a BEGGAR!" He exclaimed. "I know. Hey I got 20dhs, we can buy tomatoes, dates, lettuce, and cucumbers for the week for that much." I said quietly. He looks at me as if seeing me with new eyes. "You are ok that they thought you were a beggar?" He asked. "Sure why not we can use the money. Just wish I could have gotten more though." I smiled. He had grown up that beggars were the lowest of low society and one never begged until forced to because you had been starving for a week or you had children that were starving that day. I grew up with people sometimes had to beg. Many times I'd ask for spare change for bus money from complete strangers and mostly was given it. No big deal and it made them happy to help someone. If someone asked me I gave them. So for me it was ok I allowed these men to think i was a beggar and accepted their offerings. Their angels wrote their good deeds.

Another friend of mine told me recently not asking for help when you need it is a matter of pride and so that too allowed me to swallow mine more and accept their humble offerings. I was able to buy a few more groceries that I would have if they hadn't given me money and I was grateful for that. So if you too are in the low C's or under in the D's or F's please don't feel bad about asking now and then for a friend or family to help you out. It may feel a little odd but really, not only are you getting a benefit, but they are too. And of course it's the responsibility of those who can afford it to give charity to those who need it. The angels write it all down.

If you'd like to name your rating and how it makes you feel go ahead in the comments and I don't mind if you choose anonymous I'll still publish it.

Here are some great links of crafts you can make for your family (even if you dont have kids) for Ramadan! I'm planning out a full crafting schedule because my daughter understands more about it this year since she'll be 4 soon. And my son will have his first memorable experience as he was too young to remember last years Ramadan.

http://www.knowledgehound.com/topics/ramadan.htm has a lot of links within of good sites.
http://familycrafts.about.com/cs/coloringnewyear/a/blramadandeco.htm easy
http://www.theholidayspot.com/ramadan/crafts.htm cool

Sadly the only other links i found lead back to these three. But use your imagination and then blog about it!!! Hehehee. Like I will make Ramadan paper chains in sparly colors for the kids to relize 30 days of ramadan and i'll make the masjid one and also we can make paper lanterns.
Also on shiny wrapping paper i made a ramadan banner and I get the christmas ribbon and tie lots of swirly ribbons all over the ceilings. I have a decor box Kabba that will be the centerpiece. I'm thinking to get lights this year so at night they can still feel the effects and have fun. I will try to post pictures and projects we make as we do them inshallah.
On LBC Lebanese Broadcast Company in ramadan they have cute songs i will try to see if youtube has them bcause they are great for kids.