When your heart flips and accepts something it hasn't before and it leaves you feeling disoriented and feeling strange and surreal, what do you do? Many of us at one point never heard of Islam or never accepted it then suddenly our hearts flipped for whatever reason and we said Shahada. Allah is the only one who guides us and insha'Allah we follow obediently.
SO my heart has been doing flips this past month or so. It has to do with the controversial topic of polygamy. Everyone has this Poly post and there is hot debate each time. I'm not looking for hot debate I'm looking for answers. Real Answers. My heart started flipping when I asked my husband if we could have someone in need stay with us. He joked about marrying her and such but it was all banter and I joked back threatening to break his neck if he tried etc... but inside my heart did a little wiggle and suddenly a little voice asked, would poly be so bad? I pushed it aside and gawked at myself in the mirror for asking myself such a question. I'd read blogs like Angry Muslimah and Peaceful Muslimah about the trials to overcome in poly and how many men abuse it for their own whims. I began reading more and more online about it and all said bad bad bad though accepted by Islam if done right, yet I haven't found yet a blog pointing to their idyllic marriage of poly done right by Islam. My sister-in-law's sister-in-law is in Poly because she couldn't have kids and she chose her co-wife. SO this topic is nothing new to my ears and it's always piqued my interest. So to make a long story short after getting to know a friend better we discussed this issue at length and she surprised me with all the benefits Poly holds for the woman if done right.
She explained how if the two women are friends and live relatively close to each other:
1. they can take care of each other's kids giving the other wife a chance to clean, cook, pamper, or take a romantic walk/drive with hubby without kids around.
2. they can have a lifelong friend to always talk to when sad or in need of company
3. The kids will have friends to play with who are related to them yet wont have the daily sibling squalls because they live in separate houses.
4. They get a free day without Hubby under feet to bother them or demand attention.
5. They have a reason to not hang around in sweats when Hubby is home, good natured jealousy to always look as nice as the other wife. (though naturally the friends/co-wives wont talk about bedroom stuff)
Now of course you have to get used to sharing HIM and he of course has to be fair and pay for all you both need and such but this was the first time i had heard about BENEFITS to the wife. Always I hear how horrible it is and such. Here's the funny heart flipping thing.... I like the benefits. It does make sense in many ways and as long as you and the co-wife are good friends there is no reason why it shouldn't work. Just because they don't blog about it doesn't mean there aren't happy Poly marriages out there. I did actually get the guts to discuss this with my hubby and he didn't want it because of the financial burdens. Yet my heart is still inclining towards it being good in the right circumstances and with the right co-wife. So I want to really hear from people out there the Benefits of Poly. When I searched it online I found a lot of Mormon sites soooo I'm looking for Islamic benefits and such. Not benefits for the man but benefits for the wives. Here's a challenge my readers and I want you to come through on this one. Be brave and be bold. I wont put you down if you don't agree with me. I'm just naturally curious to hear what everyone has to say.
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13 intelligent thoughts:
As Salaamu Alaikum Sis:
Here's one that "was" positive:
http://bigfaith.wordpress.com/
But the blog hasn't been updated since May of 2007. Maybe they're not happy anymore? Maybe the blog has moved? But the links may lead you to more information.
I was in p once. My cw and I got along real well. But the husband was the big pain. We both left him :)
It does work for some.
Also, you don't necessary have to be friends with your CW. Some women prefer not to have a relationship with each other. Boundaries can become violated.
the poly has its own rules. it is mentioned in the quran that it is allowed , " if you will be just, but you will never be". so as if we already have the answer from God,... No one can be just 100%. I dont think that it can ever be just and every one be happy.. whatever is the reason.
Salaams!
Polygnousblessings.blogspot.com,no longer being updated but this siter wrote a book on her experiences and sheis totally pro-poly.Over time she grew to love and accept it and Allahu alim.
I think its fine when all involved are able and willing.If you're willing then go for it! You already know the cons of poly so insha'allah maybe you'll be able to handle it better.But of course i plead ignorance here on this topic.I can only write about what I feel personally about it...
I can see where you are coming from. I also feel that some of the exact things your are describing can be real benefits. It's all in the attitude you have about it. If you are looking for faults and problems you will find them. If you are seeing your co-wife as an enemy she will become one. I think how you come into P matters too. You will feel differently if you were an informed participant. Just my thoughts, I have thought of it before too. I would do it, with a few of my own conditions;)
Ok here are my two cents... Jealousy is prone to occur and for certain I know that I fall into that category. To be honest I don't believe a man can love two wives at the same time...he may have feelings or care about them for that matter but in terms of love...I don't think so. hmmmm I don't know... sometimes I wonder if love even exists.
I was actually pondering about that subject how a man can love 2, 3, or 4 wives at the same time... I compared to how a mother is able to love all ther children inconditionally equally. could that be how it is for the men who choose more than one wife? I don't know...
According to me.... most of the time I believe its for sexual reasons. But how you mentioned... it can just be a way to live halal... like in the situation you were describing of lending a hand to your friend so that she can live under the same roof as you and your family but allowing the circumstances to be halal...
I really admire your straightforwardness and the way you approach matters with an open heart and mind...thats why I enjoy your posts.. Jasak Allahu Khair
Sis,
I think we all know how I feel....James Brown said it best..it's a man's world......It only benefits the man......hey I know it's halaal and I am not going to start my ranting on your blog......but it seems to cause more pain than happiness...and I know first hand since I am involved with it now.....
Salaam Alaikum sister,
I have heard all these reasons to embrace polygyny many times. In fact, they are textbook Salafi dawah. If it really worked out that way, wouldn't it be lovely? I lived with a female roommate for 10years who became a 2nd mom to my children and the dearest of sisters and friends to me. But there was one BIG difference: WE DIDN'T SHARE A MAN! LOL!
That said, it is the nature of women (and men, for that matter) to be jealous. This is the way God made us. And certainly no man could stand sharing his wife -- even if it was permitted in Islam.
So my question to you is how do you subvert human nature for something that even Allah said you would not be able to handle fairly? How do you get a woman and children to be happy with a part-time dad and husband? Unless, of course, he is a lousy dad and husband - in which case polygyny could be a blessing! LOL!
Anyway, good post sister.
PS: I responded to your latest questions on my blog.
Salaams PM:
They are more than Salafi; other mathabs adhere to the same logic.
Our beautiful Salifiyah has been subverted by individuals and groups. Believe me, we (mature followers of Salafi minhaj) also think that it is not right for everyone. Each couple must make their own individual choice. Each couple has a difference family circumstance.
Insha Allah I mean no offense PM. I do love and respect you.
I was in a poly marriage.....and never met my CW....and in the end, we both left him too. She left with nothing but a 2 1/2 year shaky marriage, I left with 5 kids and 17 yrs down the drain.
P marriages, for some, are a level of faith that is better left unexplored.
send me an email surah2362@yahoo.com and I'll send you an invite to my blog....
Assalamu alaikom,
A good test of whether or not something is positive is to ask yourself if you would choose it for your own daughter. If you don't have a daughter, ask yourself if you would want this for your mother or your sister.
I disagree with polygamy in America, 100%, no question. It's illegal here, and I cannot advocate criminal behavior.
It marginalizes the women and children involved because they have to hide and lie about something as profoundly significant as their family. I think raising your children outside of the law, living with that worry, having to conceal your familial ties -- I don't think that's healthy in any way.
Interesting question you pose here, as I was also wondering why there are always negative stories from the "muslim corner" and all idylic stories from the mormon side.. :)
I have went through different stages with polygyny and I feel it has been a positive experience so far. I like my sisterwives - we fight often howvever - and I have learned to trust my husband more. We have been exposed to such stressful situations that I have gotten to know him and see he tries his best. Even though he is not able to treat us equally, he makes tons of mistakes and we argue on a regular basis.
Sounds like a normal relationship! LOL
Greetings of Peace 3rd:
I have a question, if you don't mind? (blush) In the Mormon religion, is there a requirement like in Islam, where the husband is mandated by God to treat all of his wives equally? I don't know much about Mormon. Forgive me if the question is too forward.
It says in the Quran that a man can have multiple wives if he can treat them all equally but that it is impossible to treat them all equally. Therefor, Poly marriages aren't best accordint to the Quran. Wake up girls.
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