American Muslima Writer -Daring to Work Towards Jannah

Our souls deep within strive and struggle everyday to search for a way to find that deep inner peace, that oneness with the universe and the Creator of All. Realizing your place in the finite yet absolutely enormous reaches of space. Feeling in your heart and mind the answer to lifelong questions that beseech humanity.


Why are we here? What is our purpose in this life? What happens after we die? How can we achieve inner peace and contentment no matter our lot in life?

Many of us in this world and especially those of us in the blogosphere have searched long and hard for these answers. Yet I feel most of us have forgotten this long struggle for our souls. Upon discovering the beauty and perfection in Islam we immediately adapted our lives to follow the ways of our Blessed Prophet Muhammad Sallahu Alayhi wa Salim. We struggled day and night everyday of our lives to learn the words of the prayers and to push our bodies to accept the fasting we willed upon it for the sake of our Lord. Even in poverty we spent from our means to help others and at times we felt it. That peace. That deep inner peace. We feel Allah, our One, Beloved God, and the feeling brings us that peace until tears flow down our faces in gratitude.

Then the troubles and trials of the world interfere and slowly slowly ever so slowly we start forgetting. Easing farther and farther away from that peace. Frustration, sadness, depression, pain, anger, laziness, and exhaustion overwhelm our minds and hearts and we bob out our prayers more like robots than Muslims. We fast trying to sleep as much possible to make only a few hours of pain until we can stuff our faces with the feasts we prepared. Then comes the night, the Night of Power. Therein we strive to make up that lost ground and return to the fold of peace that enveloped our souls at the beginning of our journey in Islam. Some of us succeed and other spend the night in laughing, gossip, and chatter, or worse.

I KNOW that we are faced with ups and down in our Imans. I do know and accept this, BUT....

Just this week I realized I said Shahada August 5, 2001. It has been almost a decade since I said Shahada. A DECADE!


I find it absolutely unacceptable and pathetic that I am not more proficient in Islam. It is unacceptable and pathetic to me that I have not achieved a constant, or EVEN weekly, inner peace.


My soul craves that peace like no other thing right now.


Had I gone to University to become a Doctor I'd have managed to become a Neurological Surgeon by now. How is it then that I have not managed to learn to read Arabic better or speak it more fluently or memorized more Qur'an? How is it I still Struggle to remember to pray my 5 prayers on time without missing one. How is it I used to manage Sunnah Prayers yet now I don't have time? How is it possible that I am not better in Islam.

Islam is Submission to Peace. By following it (Islam) you find that Inner Peace. So by conclusion I can only surmise I am not following it enough. I am missing out on something essential that is not letting me attain this peace within. Am I doing sins? Probably as we all sin. But am I seeking forgiveness and repentance from these sins? Am I beseeching Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala for his forgiveness and to bring myself closer to Him. Am I dedicating my life to His service and way provided by the teachings of the Peaceful Muhammad Sallalahu Alayhi wa Salim? Am I immersing myself too much in worldly life and not enough in spiritual life? Am I forgetting how short this life is and how soon I will be in my grave wishing I had spent my youth and time in Prayer? I must search more to continue the struggle towards Allah.

Masha'Allah I had the chance to meet this amazing Sheikh last week and my mind has been constantly turning since.
I was invited with a select few to meet him and his wife in their way home from USA. Masha'Allah I'm so glad I was able to attend. Of course it was segregated. As I went around the room I didn't even know which one was his wife. As I went one Sister had a beautifully strong grip and it surprised me in a good way. I used to have a grip like that but I softened it over the years for fear of crushing other gentler sister's hands. After a second for the handshake to sink in I abruptly made mine stronger too in appreciation. She asked my name and I responded Aminah, forgetting my name that I usually say is "Brandy, or if you want Aminah". She smiled warmly and I liked her immediately as I stared in her eyes. I wasn't expecting another question because I was concerned with making my greetings around the room and since I didn't know who his wife was I didn't want to accidently offend her by not saying Salam quickly. "Where are you from?" she asked. "Oh, Am-iari-ca." I said stumbling over the words. I gave myself a mental shake. "America." I corrected. She asked another question that I've now forgotten but I begged off answering more because I wanted to make rounds of Salams. I went around the circle making sure I got each and everyone. I sat near my friend who invited me and we made head bobbles. Me nodding 'Which is the Sheikh's wife' her bobble back towards the sister with the firm handshake. Masha'Allah I was hoping so. I sat back while she spoke to others and just studied her as I study all people I meet. SubhanAllah she really reminded me of an older version of myself. Her laid back friendly attitude and gestures were very similar to me. But beyond that I felt a pull in my heart towards her. Her character as she talked to all of the Sisters was beautiful. She would flip back between Arabic and English making sure we all understood everything she was saying. I was able to ask her a question and she answered it in depth and masha'Allah it really affects my hear tot his very moment. In one or two sentences she gives you words to live by. One quote from her I will say is "Sometimes when someone is holding a piece of meat dogs will come crowding around you. You try everything to get them to leave but they wont. You have to get rid of the meat." Then she explained this means in this life we are wrongly holding tight to worldly things that may keep bad things coming to us and sometimes the simplest things that is right to do is to throw it away just like the meat.
Deep eh?
In between rescuing my son from climbing the perilous stairs I was able to hear parts of other questions and answers. One such moment I managed to jump back to my spot (next to her YAY!) to hear among other words that I've forgotten(....parts....) and don't want to misquote... ".....we all have this fear.......not doing well enough....so we all come here with this fear in our hearts. To gather to better ourselves towards Allah. This brings great baraka to our gatherings together. The angels...... making blessings (or some similar word) all the way up."
SubhanAllah I got all teary. I have never gotten teary in a group just from a few sentences. She described exactly how I felt coming to meet her and the other Sisters. I wanted just even once word to help raise me higher in my deen. I was not disappointed. After we finished talking formally we kind of broke into smaller groups to chat and I spoke with another Sister who is a writer. She too was extremely sweet. After we went upstairs then the men came in from their walk. Part of attending this, I wore niqab, to make everyone more comfortable, so since I was veiled there was no harm in my lurking on the steps with the writer Sister so she could point out the Sheikh to me as he passed by to sit where we had just sat. Masha'Allah I could only see the side profile of his face. He had a calm expression though like one who is at peace internally. This was all I had a chance to study then I flitted upstairs to sit with the women. To make a long evening short, I again got to speak privately with her just before she prayed Isha' and subhanAllah the more time I spent in her presence the more ingrained in my heart she became. I hugged her warmly goodbye, flipped my niqab on, and went downstairs to catch up with my friend.
Sheikh Nuh was sitting in an arm chair with two brothers, and I asked my friend if I could just say Salam to him. She and another sister were unsure if it was appropriate but finally I just took a gulp and walked over half a rooms' length. My wonderful friend spoke up for me saying the first Salam. I felt the hesitation in her voice and I didn't want it to seem like it was her idea in case the Sheikh was bothered so I spoke up quickly. "Assalamu ALikum, my name is Aminah (again Brandy had left for the evening, never to be seen), I just wanted to meet you and say Salam ....." and so on. He watched me with his calm eyes never wavering or wandering as some eyes are prone to. I made it as short as I could. It wasn't the words that mattered anyway. His words were on many tapes if I wished for words. I wanted to SEE his character. And see it I did. Humble, Calm, Unhurried, Peaceful, Understanding, Inner Depth, Wise. Were what I took in, in less than a minute. I turned and went to get my kids' shoes on and since I have two kids it took time. I was four steps below the main floor level and the Sheikh was heading upstairs so he paused to talk near where I stood cramming little feet into little shoes. I ignored my kids focusing solely on seeing if anything in his demeanor changes when not talked directly to, and found nothing but re-enforcement to what I read above. As he walked off I finished the shoe problem outside not to disturb anyone further.
I was busy thinking hard and analyzing my evening and searching for my missing car key and feeling sheepish that the brother driving was waiting all this time for my key and I had lost it in my bag and keeping my kids in line. Rushing always brings out the un-smart in me. I found my key at last unlocked the doors and since we had to be first to load I mentally began planning the entry, hmm I should get in the back first and then someone hand me my son and then get my daughter to climb in but she's in everyone's way so let her stand in the middle section for now and I'll squeeze in past her...BAM! I banged my head against the top of the minivan.
I was so surprised to have not even seen it coming. I was then even more shocked when I fell from the blow. I laid there on the pavement in absolute shock and prayed no one would raise the alarm and have me sent back into the house to further disturb the Sheikh and his wife. Alhamdulliah one of the brothers travelling in our group is a doctor and advised me to take it easy. He advised me to check for bleeding and that proved frustrating because I wasn't used to niqab and couldn't figure out a way to feel under three layers to my head. I touched my head as best I could and figured it was ok. The doctor went on a bit about symptoms of concussions and honestly I wasn't all that much focusing though I tried to tell myself to repeat everything he says. Once I got carefully INSIDE the minivan and got my kids figured out then I lifted my niqab to check better if I was bleeding. Nope. Alhamdulliah. I tried to take care of my kids' dinner but my head was aching bad. Finally my son went to sleep and my daughter amused herself eating and playing. I was feeling worse but alhamdulliah we went back to Al-Ain (from Dubai) and I was taken to An-Noor Hospital ER for a check up and x-ray but it was all ok. I was given Ibuprofen and that's all. Alhamdulliah.
I had lots of time to reflect upon my evening. It was something that I didn't expect to be memorable but it was deeply so. I felt much different than when I met Hamza Yusuf. I felt on a threshold of something better to come.

I was reading Habayeb's blog about this subject of using hands over thikr beads. She makes very good points that on the day of Judgement our body parts will speak of what they were made to do by us and if it is good then Allahu Alim we get more reward. One can always make the argument that you are moving the beads with your hands too but as Habayeb also points out you do concentrate more using your hands to keep the counting correct.
I have spent lots of time approx the equivalent of two months trying to find a finger system that works that I can do on one hand because the right hand is favored. I wanted a system that I could keep track of each 33, and each 100. Finally success to the point where I prefer it to my beads. My hands after all are always with me never to be lost or (inshallah) broken and scattered across the floor to roll under a table.

Here is a picture I've made showing my counting method:





As you can see I start with the index (1st) finger and touch each digit part. The top finger pad, the middle link, the lower section of the finger, then the pad right under the finger on the palm, then touch the center of the palm. I follow this along each finger in turn until i get to the thumb. As it is missing a digit link I touch the top of the thumb by the nail, then the finger pad, then the middle digit, then the ball of the thumb under it, then the center.

This completes a count of 25, five counts per finger line. Easy to remember. To do 33 you follow the hand around once then do the index again and the middle finger to the third digit. Then for the next 33 start over at the beginning of the index. To do 100 you do the full hand 4 times. Easy-peasy. It's my method and I'm not changing it for the world. Try it and see if you like it too! If not tell me what is hard about it and if you have a better system let me know too.

I had read an interesting book long ago when first saying shahada. "The Complete IDIOT's Guide to Understanding Islam". It has been about 5 years since I picked it up and read it but with all my new thoughts about how to minimilaize I started searching and what I read was interesting and thought provoking: (rough summery -excuse me it's been a while since English class)

"The Three-Fold Journey
All human beings have three levels of self-development though which they must pass durirng their lives:
1. The Animal Self: Basic intincts and desires; food, sex, creature omforts, wealth guide the life.....THink of all the people in the world who do nothing but indulge their whims.....The struggle of the Animal self stage is made harder by the efforts of an evil Jinn named Shaytan.....They do this by playing upon our fears, desires, and emotions.......eventully we will forget our Creator.

2. The Accusing Self: Higher-order questioning of our purpose; When we discard the life-is-a-big-party attitude and begin to pay attnetion to our fitrah, we recieve a flash of insight, a deep thought.....questions come flooding in: Why am I here?..... Happens when I die? Is there a next life?....A person may reflect days, months, years until being motivated to seek spiritual guidance. The person has become ready to look for God. .....looking for the familiar --Christan, Jew, buddism....Islam teaches that a sincere seeker tries to fully satisfy his or her spiritual hunger, the seeker will eventaully move beyond those previosuly revealed (and compromised) religions and into the Islmaic was of life that Allah revealed as His last religious "installment" to the world. After we reach this second stage....we realize we need God....we can try to mold our life according to His universal way. Through a daily regimen of prayer, fasting, reflection, and study and a conciousness of morality our heart becomes more and more at ease.

3. The Restful Self: Transcending worldliness as a focus; ....we may achieve complete peace and tranquility in our heart.....Nothing in this world holds us any longer...not phaed by any tragedy or bounty that may come our way. We realize we will die and return to God and that this whole life is a test for us.....While still maintaining a normal life [job, family, vacations], the person is no longer living only to satisfy himself but realize the higher purpose of life. "

Ok so that is what the book has to say now here is what got me to blog about this:
I was in stage one as an Atheist and searched through the old religions and unsatisfied just as it said above. SO I reached stage one and begining of stage two. I found Islam and am implimenting it as best as I can right now....so middle of stage two. Recently I have begun to enter stage three but am still trying to improve my stage two.... So there is some missing stages and a flaw in this stagement.
I realize the higher purpose and am taking steps to live it yet I'm still stuck in trying to implement. So there must be an inbetween stage called 2.5 where I think a lot of Muslim reach. They are not quite to that blissful forget the troubles of the world stage three yet over stage two.
Here at 2.5 the life becomes harder and Shaytan whispers more cunningly. When doing good deeds can get you in trouble.... "yesss stay up late cleaning your house and doing good for your family...pleassssing your husssband.....getting sssssooooo ssssleepy" Oops did I just miss Fajr cause I fell asleep exhausted from cleaning? We have to prioritize and learn to get things in order. Our spirit is excelling in following fitrah but our bodies are not yet follwoing orders to be obediant.
I'm personally at a point where i can give up my beloved collection of juice glasses [winegoblets] that I've collected since teen years. I see the dust gathering on them and see their pointlessness.... I even reached a state mentally where my stories don't matter and I know they don't matter for my future insha'Allah in Jannah but so far I have followed shaytan and decided to keep them for now though they take up so much room without a file cabinet in place yet....(see more worldly possessions i will forced to buy by keeping things i don't need)..... I can clearly see my mind and heart flowing easily into stage three but why are my actions so sluggish? Why can't I just do what I feel like doing and get rid of tv and get rid of these things I KNOW in my heart that don't benefit me and I know it's just shaytan whisperig to me to not follow good islamic teachings. In this book it also says some kids ages 4 to 7 read their first reading of the qur'an and have their party for it. I was like WHAT my daughter is 3.6yrs and she is just trying to get fatiha down much less reading the whole qur'an...... i'm failing as a parent? I'm leading my children to a life of worldly interests? I prayed and prayed for them to become religious scholors yet how am i helping them achieve this with Disney channel and not speaking arabic? I'm stuck at 2.5 stage of my soul's journey and I don't want to die in this stage uncompleted. I want to make up my missed prayers of the past years and continue to do good in the future and raise my kids to make it easy for their souls to reach stage 3 too.

What stage are you in?

When you make the time to remember He who made you it fills your soul with peace and your mind with tranquility. We are drawn towards religion to fulfill our heart's search for purpose and the need to know we belong. In my long quest for the "right" religion I have found only Islam answers the many Questions I ask and always with logical and heartfilling answers.

Here are a few Ayahs from the Qur'an to fill the ache in your heart.

Surah8, ayah2 "For, believers are those who, when Allah's name is mentioned, feel a tremor in their hearts, and when they hear His signs rehearsed, find their faith strengthened, and put all their trust in their Lord;"

Surah13,ayah28 "Those who believe, and whose hearts find satisfaction in the remembrance of Allah: for without a doubt, in the remebrance of Allah, do hearts find satisfaction."

Surah22,ayah34-35 "34: To every people did We appoint rites (of sacrifice), that they might celebrate the name of Allah over the sustinance He gave them from animals (fit for food), but your God is One God: Submit then your wills to Him (in Islam): and give thou the good news(2811*) to those who humble themselvess-- 35: To those whose hearts, when Allah is mentioned, are filled with fear, who show patient perseverance over their afflictions, keep up regular prayer, and spend (in charity) out of what We have bestowed upon them."

Surah29,ayah45 "Recite what is sent (3471*) of the Book by inspiration to thee, and establish regular Prayer: for Prayer restrains from shameful and unjust deeds; and remembrance of Allah is the greatest (thing in life) without a doubt. And Allah Knows the (deeds) that ye do."

Surah39,ayah23 "Allah has revealed (from time to time) the most beautiful Message in the form of a Book, consistent with itself (4276*), (yet) repeating (its teaching in various aspcts):(4277*) The skins of those who fear their Lord tremble therat: then their skins and their hearts do soften to the celebration of Allah's praises. Such is the guidance of Allah: He guides therewith whom He pleases (4279*) but such as Allah leaves to stray, can have none to guide."

Surah39, ayah45-46 "45: When Allah, the One and Only, is mentioned, the hearts of those who believe not in the Heareafter are filled with disgust and horror; (4313*) but when ('gods') other than He are mentioned, behold they are filled with joy! 46: Say: 'O Allah! Creator of the heavens and the earth! Knower of all that is hidden and open! It is Thou that wilt Judge between Thy Servents in those matters about which they have differed.' "

(#*) is footnotes in the passage that explain the passages more in detail and explain the meaning behind it.

The last one especailly I love because it shows that sometimes when you recite Qur'an and even say "Allah" instead of God people turn away from you in disgust. Yet don't be discouraged by them because Allah will Judge later who was right and wrong. Continue to remember Allah with Thikr(Remembrance and Praise of Allah) and be at peace.
Notice that each time it also says Regular Prayer because the 5 prayers are different from Thikr. Sure there is THikr in the prayers but they are differnt and are awarded a spereate catagory even in the Qur'an, though they are tied together usually. So yes though it is good to say thikr but establishing the Regular Prayers must also be done.