American Muslima Writer -Daring to Work Towards Jannah

Polygamy is common in Islam and sometimes causes stress or disturbance to the families involved and other time i causes bliss.  Either way it's a big issue not only in Western society but in the Arab society.

Many times with any big issues there will be jokes about it.
Men like to rattle women. Women like to spite a man.
Men like to share a knowing wink with another man.
Woman like to raise an eyebrow to another woman.

ALL OVER the world.

Even Doctors like to joke with patients as Susie featured in her latest blog post on Susie's Big Adventure.

Some will say this is a joking topic or some will say it's demeaning and hurtful and everyone is entitled to their opinions.

My own experience with this comes from family members and friends and random conversations I've overheard in English and Arabic.

Random comments:

"I know what will get you to excersize more, another wife or two."

"No problem if he doesn't like my food he can always eat lunch at HER house instead and save me the trouble."

"I have a headache, don't you have another wife or something to go to?"

Man whispering to another man suddenly hold up four fingers and waggles them meaningfully and the other man bursts out laughing.  *(if wife is there she's glowering in the background)*

"There's always Chinese, Russian, American, Egyptian." Man says to another man laughing.  His wife turns to the other man's wife and whispers, "There is always divorce and then an American, Chinese, Italian, or Russian!"

Woman to Woman "Why let your husband marry an Austrian (insert any Nation)? Can't you die your hair blonde, braid it in two, wear Hiedi clothes, and yodel?"

As Muslims there is a line between what we can say and what we can't say about sex. Or is there? Where are the hadiths, fatwas, Qur'an, about what can be said?


I'm a Romance writer (also sci-fi/fantasy but lets not go there with now). I've been reading romance lit since i was 12 and inherited my g-ma's collection. I've read some simple books where sex scenes are not included and left to the readers imagination (not always leaving the reader satisfied), other books that are so descriptive that I'm left in actual shock. Where did the author think of doing things like that? I've researched medical sexual books to understand things and learn thing better. I've tried to read far and wide for what people and the industry think is moderate sex scenes relating to the plot. The results differ wildly. Some writers write the scene poetically other writers are basically writing smut. But I have a very unique and worrisome position as a MUSLIM WRITER.


If I write a sex scene in my romance novels for sure there will be hundreds of angry Muslims writing me saying how could you blah blah blah. Maybe banning my books from their country (when it's the arab and western countries I want to write for mainly) and holding anti-Brandy A. Chase protests. Or I can remove the sex scenes and let the readers use their imaginations but that is not satisfactory for me. I want women to read my books and know they have the power to have pleasure in their married lives. I want men to read my books and know they are SUPPOSED to be giving their wives pleasure and not jumping their women like animals. (which is a hadith). But the part where people may think it's haram for me to write sex scenes is A) they think I'm basing it off my personal life which I'm not.... B) they think that I'm encouraging people to have sex outside of marriage, which is a good question C) I'm encouraging people with my words to masturbate because they might not have a halal outlet for their excitement and rising feelings, another good question D) a hundred other reasons I can't even think of but someone will be sure to point out.



I'll give an example. In the beginning of one of my books entitled thus far as "Veiled Attraction", the american atheist playboy-type is enthralled with women and has sexual encounters often at college. I want to show his loose morals and careless attitude. When he's thrust into a middle east country and falls in love with a niqabi muslimah he has to follow her dictates about what will take place based upon Islamic Laws and her powerful father. Then he has to choose to either embrace Islam and thus getting a chance at winning the father over for the girl (you'll never know the end til you read the book) or keeping himself in disbelief and she despises him.

To show his loose character in the beginning I need to show him dating, doing haram like drinking, zina, etc... then later to contrast it we have the main girl who is ultra pious niqabi who would never think of drinking or having relationship with a guy much less a non-believer and their conflict of his trying to catch her attention and she is flustered but firm in her faith.



So are the sex scenes needed? Maybe in this book you say yes but what about this book:



Titled thus far "Crescent Rider", an arab man in historical arabia raids caravans and is unmasked by his future bride. He has to keep her silence by wedding her and they fight a lot and obviously sex scenes are not crucial but would add more dynamics and certainly more drama.



This last example is where I cannot write the book without sex scenes I feel they are crucial to the story and no one would read it if there wasn't sex scenes in it. "The 4th Wife" obviously about a (fictional) woman who is the convert fourth wife and has to learn the ropes of not only islam but Poly as well and I'm going to write it in third POV so that the husband's actions can be seen with each wife.





So where is the line I should be drawing in the sand? I'm really nervous about this topic because some of my friends have already condemned my books to haram and other people are encouraging me. So I am just ripped apart and what has that led to? Me not writing dedicated to any of these right now until I figure this out. Remember my goal of wanting to start the publishing process on a book by the end of 2008? How can I do that if by sending out my book i will be doing something Haram and the money I earn from it will be haram and then using that money for food will be haram and so on and so forth. I do want to be a good muslimah but I have over 40 books waiting to be written all stuck in various aspect of plot in my head and sometimes it gets a little crowded up there you know.



So I really really really really need the reader's advice on this one. It's very important to my life that as many of you chime in as possible. Please tell me your opinions and if and where you can back them up with islamic knowledge. If you don't know any knowledge about it then just still tell me your opinions. Would you pick up any of these books on the shelf and read it as a romance book and then see my hijabed pic or autobiography on the back cover and be shocked I'm a muslim writing this. Bring it on...bring the comments and debate/discussion on.

http://3rdlady.blogspot.com/ (3rd) and I were discussing a joke book on Polygamy in her blog when it struck me that this would be a funny post. Now I don't have the time or inclination to actaully write a whole book on Poly jokes (anyone up to the task?) but Feel free to add some in here. ANything you heard or saw, (even if it's a little naughty), let's hear it. 3rd's example was her husband thought he went to the movies with one wife while the wife he really went with was next to him. (she told it better on her blog I'm paraphrasing).

With so many wives it's easy to make mistakes for the man, especially if he's a bit magoo-ish.... lol so let's see what you guys have to say. Any funny stories from you Poly or Post-poly sisters and brothers?

From Madonna to many Muslim men, they have the same thing on their minds; Virginity.

The word itself congers up a blushing young maidens free from sexual taint with unknown appetites waiting to be learned and explored. Many symbolize virginity as a white sheet freshly put on a bed, pure. Others a newly blooming white rose. Along with the symbolism of white there is the unsaid mindset that virginity is clean. Someone untainted by sexual diseases or problems. Many men are only interested in marrying virgins but how many women are interested in this same mindset. Some women prefer a men to have some experience so at least one of them knows what's going to happen the first time or to be taught properly. How many young men actually last until marriage fully pure? Probably not many in today's society. Many if they are virgin's don't flaunt it. So I was shocked to learn of a certain man who I know through my husband who is PROUD of his virginity and actually tells people about it. I thought good for him! I wish more were like that. With movies like 40 Year Old Virgin where they mock a man who's in his 40's and still a virgin (hence the title duh), and the reality of, at least as far as I know (but I'm sure others), American Society where nearly all boys loose theirs around 13-17 years old (And also the girl they chose of the same ages).... how can we foster a sense of pride in our men and boys to keep their virginity until marriage?






Now say a man is a virgin and he chooses his first bride. What shall he choose a non-virgin or a virgin? For some it depends on Culture. PM wrote a very interesting post about a man being deceived about his wife's lack of virginity after consummation and divorced her. Other's follow their hearts and accept either way. We'll say this man takes a virgin bride and grows old with her when suddenly when he's in his 40's she dies. He needs another wife to help him look after his 5 sweet kids. Should he choose the blushing virginal bride or perhaps a non-virgin who perhaps has a few kids of her own and has experience in raising children?






What about the lady? Reverse roles for a moment and now it's a young lady in her mid twenties seeking marriage and she's a virgin and does she choose a virgin husband or not? If later he dies and she has children to take care of should she marry a virgin man or a non-virgin man? With these simple questions you can see how societies all over would strongly differ with the issue of virginity.






Some people think Muslims are obsessed with virginity. They constantly take the reward for martyrs out of context about the 72 Virgins in Jannah he'll receive. They fling it in our faces. Even my own grandfather said once to me (when I was ignorant enough not to know how to respond) "You see the mOslims running around blowing themselves and others up in the name of their God or worse for their 72 virgins in Paradise." *rolls eyes* Somehow I bet it has more to do with radical beliefs than looking forward to 72 virgins for MOST of these guys.






There is a hadith Qudsiya (sp?) about a man needing to re-marry and the Prophet (SAW) advises him to marry a virgin three times so he can take pleasure there-in. He says no I need an elderly woman to help me care for my children and their needs. I sometimes think about this Hadith. Is it better for a man when he wants to re-marry to marry a virgin? Or should he choose based upon his situation and appeal?






Is it better for virgins to marry virgins and non-virgins to marry non-virgins? Or mix it up? I'm just throwing thoughts out about this and you can come to your own conclusions.

When your heart flips and accepts something it hasn't before and it leaves you feeling disoriented and feeling strange and surreal, what do you do? Many of us at one point never heard of Islam or never accepted it then suddenly our hearts flipped for whatever reason and we said Shahada. Allah is the only one who guides us and insha'Allah we follow obediently.

SO my heart has been doing flips this past month or so. It has to do with the controversial topic of polygamy. Everyone has this Poly post and there is hot debate each time. I'm not looking for hot debate I'm looking for answers. Real Answers. My heart started flipping when I asked my husband if we could have someone in need stay with us. He joked about marrying her and such but it was all banter and I joked back threatening to break his neck if he tried etc... but inside my heart did a little wiggle and suddenly a little voice asked, would poly be so bad? I pushed it aside and gawked at myself in the mirror for asking myself such a question. I'd read blogs like Angry Muslimah and Peaceful Muslimah about the trials to overcome in poly and how many men abuse it for their own whims. I began reading more and more online about it and all said bad bad bad though accepted by Islam if done right, yet I haven't found yet a blog pointing to their idyllic marriage of poly done right by Islam. My sister-in-law's sister-in-law is in Poly because she couldn't have kids and she chose her co-wife. SO this topic is nothing new to my ears and it's always piqued my interest. So to make a long story short after getting to know a friend better we discussed this issue at length and she surprised me with all the benefits Poly holds for the woman if done right.

She explained how if the two women are friends and live relatively close to each other:
1. they can take care of each other's kids giving the other wife a chance to clean, cook, pamper, or take a romantic walk/drive with hubby without kids around.
2. they can have a lifelong friend to always talk to when sad or in need of company
3. The kids will have friends to play with who are related to them yet wont have the daily sibling squalls because they live in separate houses.
4. They get a free day without Hubby under feet to bother them or demand attention.
5. They have a reason to not hang around in sweats when Hubby is home, good natured jealousy to always look as nice as the other wife. (though naturally the friends/co-wives wont talk about bedroom stuff)

Now of course you have to get used to sharing HIM and he of course has to be fair and pay for all you both need and such but this was the first time i had heard about BENEFITS to the wife. Always I hear how horrible it is and such. Here's the funny heart flipping thing.... I like the benefits. It does make sense in many ways and as long as you and the co-wife are good friends there is no reason why it shouldn't work. Just because they don't blog about it doesn't mean there aren't happy Poly marriages out there. I did actually get the guts to discuss this with my hubby and he didn't want it because of the financial burdens. Yet my heart is still inclining towards it being good in the right circumstances and with the right co-wife. So I want to really hear from people out there the Benefits of Poly. When I searched it online I found a lot of Mormon sites soooo I'm looking for Islamic benefits and such. Not benefits for the man but benefits for the wives. Here's a challenge my readers and I want you to come through on this one. Be brave and be bold. I wont put you down if you don't agree with me. I'm just naturally curious to hear what everyone has to say.