American Muslima Writer -Daring to Work Towards Jannah

Family first has always been my motto.
If you are having children then you should be ensuring they get the best care possible.  The care that matters because it comes from YOU. Leaving children for a Nanny or Governess or DayCare to deal with while you go wax your legs or shop til you drop (for non-essential things) seems like cruelty to me. I'm not talking the parents that do this once in a while to relax a bit but the ones that chronically do this.
Another alternative to this is parents who work when they don't really have to. They spend gobs of time away from their children and family and in the end is the money they are bringing home going to fill the void the child might be feeling? Of course I'm not talking about parents who need to work to put the Halal-Turkey-Bacon on the table, but those who work because that is what they are programed to do by society no matter the end result it has on family.
There are Sooooo many factors though to this all and it's hard to make open faced judgements like these because everyone's situation is so unique. I see too many families split across the globe. Philipina mothers slaving away as maids or sales clerks with their 2-5 kids back at home with grandma. They need to work, they have mouths to feed. Yet some of them work for sheer ambition... it's hard to draw the line.
I see wealthy Arab mothers flitting from one store to the next in a large group of women, maids and babies training behind them. I have seen children literally left in carts with AND WITHOUT nannies in the middle of the Mall while the mother pops into a store for a good ten minutes.  The child without the Nanny kept staring around her looking so lost and forlorn, sitting dolefully in the shopping cart stuffed with bags as if she were no more than an inanimate object herself. I stared in horror thinking sure NOW the mother would turn around and go back to her child...okay and NOW she would?...and Now?...I guess that shoe sale was just so irresistible to wipe the memory of your child from your mind!  Finally after ten minutes or so she stuck her head out of the shop and waved the maid who had followed her into the shop to bring the shopping cart so she could place the new bags into it.  They walked onto the next shop. I stopped watching lest I vomit or commit murder.
What and where is the Balance to this?
The lines are so blurry it's hard to find which is right or wrong.
How much time Should you be devoting to your family/children?
How much time Should you allot for necessary work?
How much time Should you allot for personal improvement/relax time?

As a non-working mother I was finding it hard to separate my personal time from my family time. If I spent too much time on one thing I became cranky that I was over burdened and never saw the light of day. The whip was cracking 24/7 and there was never enough time to finish everything.
My creativity was dying and manifesting itself into other ways...like mass organizing...re-decorating.... etc...
For a long time I put off writing my novels all together, sure and 100% certain family was more important and my novels could wait.  Yes they did wait. But I found myself writing inane stuff like in depth shopping lists for food. Finally I began this blog, I had to release my stress and somehow get my words back out. I had used LiveJournal and MySpace to vent and keep up with friends but it puttered out and I wanted MORE.
As I posted and posted I began to realize my time was importantt and I needed to allot myself time for my creativity and making more friends.  So I did, and my family life suffered a bit more. Things got less clean, meals got less tasty, children got less quality time.  And the guilt would start again.
I'm being selfish using time I could have spent with my kids.
Then on top of this began my working career, with publishing projects that took up huge chunks of time, and then getting my job. Now everything seems to be hanging precariously by strings.  No one item seems to be getting enough of the time it deserves.... especially my kids.  And it cuts me to the bone.
I love my family and it will always be number one. That is how Allah created me and that is what I've learned from living a difficult life. Every time I see my kids playing by themselves I think why am I not with them? Memories always come to me of times when adults didn't have time to be with me, and that is all I wanted, more attention, more time.  I told myself I'd be different, I'd sacrifice EVERYTHING, to make sure they got that extra attention.  And for years I did. I refused to work unless it was absolutely necessary. I put aside my dreams and aspirations (or at least toiled on them when the kids slept). We lived mostly in scraping-by-poverty. But it was worth it, watching the bond grow between me and my kids.
It stopped being worth it when I was self destructing mentally, emotionally, maritally, and physically.
It stopped being worth it when my kids wanted more to eat and there was nothing else.
I don't regret those years, but now as things are changing there had to be a new balance.
I know I need free relax time
I know I need creative time
that keeps me sane.
I know I need time with my husband separate from the kids
that keeps us stronger.
I know I need time with my kids
that makes them stronger.
I know I need time for work/society
that makes us able to live.
I know I need time for family and friends
that makes us connected.
Above All else, I need time for Allah.

But it needs to be Balanced.
Crazy rushing from one areas to the next or bypassing some areas completely leads to burnout.


The amount of work I'm doing sometimes feels worth it when I'm helping people out in the world.  Other times when I get home to find my kids asleep and only get a few hours with them in the morning it feels like utter HELL. But then when they are sleeping peacefully in their beds and I have some alone time or creative time it's refreshing. When I get that paycheck it feels good to have helped out my family and be able to take the kids out for a special treat.  But I worry and feel guilty that the special treat is a bribe for taking away their quality time with me. I love the extra time I get on the metro to write my novels or read books, but it's transport time away from my family. I adore teaching my kids and have placed the responsibility of their education on my shoulders, yet if the day gets scrambled and there is no time for that, the guilt falls to me.

I was happy to see new names I'd never come across before in my "Followers" List. There are new Muslimahs I've never come across and it's always nice to see more people from around the world. I've found some very wonderful non-Muslim bloggers too who make me laugh and who I can relate with. But Sadly I've had to add my first block.


But because of a commenter who reads my blog who reminded me nicely of proper adab(manners) in speaking to others I really felt shameful and removed my words because I've seen many times blog wars and fights and thought myself why didn't they take it offline it looks so bad.
So now Lisa if you're reading this feel free to e-mail me at AmericanMuslimaWriter@gmail.com and I will reply to your comment you left me before.
If you refuse to e-mail me well then I remain my block. If we sort this out perhaps we can come to an understanding.

The comment which saved us both is:

Salaam alaikum,
I'm an avid follower of your blog and check in every day to read your new posts.
I don’t usually like to comment.
I'm am quite shocked at what you posted and asking myself why couldn’t this dispute have been discussed in private.
I understand that your upset with Lisa because she has chosen a different path [ AMW note: this is not the entire reason I blocked her ] but isn’t it our job as Muslim sisters to help her back on track and give her support and guidance.Some of the first thing I learnt when I reverted were;
• If I committed a sis to keep it between myself and Allah, not to share it with people
• Not to judge or humiliate people
• To be kind and compassionate with everyone
• Not to talk bad about anyone because I will take their sins and they will take my ajar.

Maybe I am wrong! Now everyone who reads your blog knows about Lisa’s choices.Can we call it cyber bullying? Are you just as bad as her? Islamically are you correct? Why do you want Lisa to remove you from her blog role? Aren’t you trying to spread Islam.
At the end of the day its not really my business and that’s why I don’t usually comment. You may think I have taken sides but these are the comments that came to mind at the time of reading your post.
I am not judging either of you but when discussing an argument you have to include all points – I cant even look at Lisas or Hijabees posts and comments because you have not included links or screen shots
You don’t have to answer to my comments or post them, they are something I was thinking about.
Yours Sincerely,Kadaya
I have posted anonymously because I don’t have blogger ID, let me know if you want my email or mobile number I would be more than happy to forward it to you.

Kadaya, Salam and thank you for reminding me of good adab. Though if you wanna get technical you should have e-mailed me this if you felt privacy was best between sisters with problems. I agree though and so thus the post has been changed. I didn't feel I should remove the whole thing but I edited so that my problem with her was not stated.
Salam and I'm happy to hear that someone reads me everyday heh I thought I was just talking to myself sometimes.

For many of people out there Hajj is something they can do every year. They make their yearly plans and get on with it. For a great many others Hajj will be a real once in a lifetime opportunity. Many have to decide WHEN they will go to Hajj. Common Sense tells us that if a person wants all their sins forgiven they should wait until they are much older and have had more sins to wipe off. Others believe "No time like the present". I think the majority though do it when they can afford it. No matter what else is happening in their lives or how old they are.
I've been thinking very hard lately about when my chance will be to do Hajj. Just yesterday I was reading about it and getting misty-eyed at the thought of traveling the path that millions have trod before. The idea that I will be surrounded by millions of fellow Muslims bowing in front of the same object that our beloved Prophets have touched amazes me and fills me with a great longing to go there.
When I left Lebanon I made the intention with my husband that we would come to this new country (UAE) and try to save for Hajj. So far not even a half a dirham we've managed. But the problem with planning for Hajj is not just the money. Sure, it's a big part of it but that's not all.
Children. You can't take small children for Hajj. Perhaps you CAN but I would be deathly afraid. I've seen on TV people being trampled. Grown people with strength and height. My little toddling headstrong boy and my waif thin daughter don't stand a chance. I have to wait to do Hajj until they can physically be capable to join us. Since we are going to need a long time to save up that kind of money I was thinking, "Why not wait until they are pubescent?" Therefore when we go for our Hajj they too will have undertaken their personal obligation for Hajj. I think that's one of the best gifts a parents could give their child. Plus it would be an awesome bonding experience for a family to do together.
My sister-in-law H (the older one) left her sufficiently older kids with Tayta (her mother) when she went for Hajj. This too can be a good thing if you have someone reliable to watch your children for almost two weeks and if your children are of an age where they can stand to be away from you for so long. My two would go absolutely crazy without me there. The longest I've been away from my daughter is overnight when having my son and she was with her Father and Grandmother so not so difficult for her. And I've never been away from my son for longer than an hour, you know like once every two months. So for me I have no one here in UAE that can watch my kids for two weeks. Plus my children are the most important people in my life and why would I leave them out of the most important experience in my life? The things they could learn from Hajj are just as important as the things I could. And they could learn it at an earlier age .
Some selfish parents (I think) will leave their young babies (some of them still nursing!) with relatives to go for Hajj when they could easily wait a few years more until their children are more mature to understand the slight abandonment. I don't understand these parent's mentality at all. How could you circumbate the Kabbah knowing your darling baby is in tears wondering where it's Mommy/Daddy has run off to.


So for now I'm thinking to keep trying to save up for Hajj for when my kids are like 15/16 years old (unless in the future Allah Wills for me to have more younger children then I'll have to postpone until THEY are older). I think that age would be perfect to understanding and taking on the challenges of Hajj. And again it would cover their accountability of completing a pillar of Islam.
So when are you planning to go for Hajj? Do your children factor into When you will go?

I'm going to post a small part of a post I put on my private blog because I feel it needs to reach wider and everyone neeeds to take the time to appreciate their children more.

*I yelled alot at my daughter today and finally she's getting sleepy after three hours of trying to get her to sleep*.........My mind is working frantically though as she starts to wear down. WHere is this coming from all this hate and anxiety towards my own daughter whom I love so much and would go to great lengths for? Obviously Shaytan is messing with my head. So I begin reading Qur'an for us both and it calms her down to sleep and me down to clearheaded. Finally she drifts off and I march here to the PC to do some major research. I've had it. I'm sick of yelling at my kids and feeling like al-Qaida surrounded by "Kuffar". (ie hot blooded). ..... I feel like crap and they feel like crap and this is all not healthy at all and it has to change NOW not tomorrow. So I'm googling things now and I will post it to both sites the links though not the full story of course. I already hear your critisim beleive me I know what a poophead I'm being. I'm the one who has to look into their hurt blue eyes and trembling lips and so I AM trying to find a way to stop this. I know it all stems from the chaos of life right now but it's such a visious cycle. Kids up all night sleep in the day eat irregularly etc,.. it all ties together but I don't know how to get it to re-adjust itself..... ugh.... ok let me get these links going:
http://www.babycenter.com/400_how-can-i-stop-yelling-at-my-toddler_500774_1000.bc
How to Stop Yelling
http://daddybrain.wordpress.com/2008/05/20/stop-yelling-daddy/
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080111132054AALB4qR

Oh my god. I really am literlly crying now because I just read this aweful poem about child abuse and it's so terrible and yet so real and true that it kils me all over again that I even shout once at my kids. Ya ALLAH, please have mercy on me and stop me from doing this horrid thing to my kids.... PLEASE!
http://www.babycenter.com/400_how-can-i-stop-yelling-at-my-toddler_500774_1000.bc?pageSize=10&startIndex=10&questionId=500774&ownerId=1000
(about fifth or six comment down on this last link I found this)
"I too yell at my littl girl. Sometimes it's so fustrating and when shes yelling and crying and whining all morning, I feel like I'm not good enough and I'm not a good mom. Then I just break and yell back at her really loudly, and sometimes I start crying after because i feel so bad.. When I yell at her she gets scared and jumps and starts really crying, I just want to die after it happens but it's already done. I want to be more calm and patient, she is only 13 months but I feel so stressed out sometimes. Today was one of the few days that i really yelled back at her and I put her down for a nap, and went and relaxed for a while. When she got up I was trying to be really patient and calm and nice to her cause I felt so terribly auful. I then came to work today and a friend of mine sent me an e-mail called Blue Ribbon Against Child Abuse and I read it, it goes like this:
my name is sarah I am but three my eyes are swollen I cannot see I must be stupid i must be bad What else could have made My daddy so mad? I wish I were better, I wish I weren't ugly, Then maybe my mommy Would still want to hug me. I can't speak at all, I can't do a wrong Or else I'm locked up All the day long. When I awake I'm all alone The house is dark, My folks aren't home. When my mommy does come, I'll try to be nice, So maybe I'll get just one whipping tonight. Don't make a sound, I just heard a car My daddy is back From charlies Bar. I hear him curse My name he calls I press myself Against the wall. I try and hide, From his evil eyes I'm so afraid now I'm starting to cry. He finds me weeping He shoults ugly words, he says it's my fault That he suffers at work. He slaps me and hits me, And yells at me more I finally get free and run for the door. He's already locked it, And I start to bawl He takes me and throws me Against the hard wall I fall to the floor With my bones nearly broken, And my daddy continues With more bad words spoken. "I'm sorry!", I scream But it's now much too late His face has been twisted Into unimaginable hate. The hurt and the pain Again and again Oh please God, have Mercy! Oh please let it end! And he finally stops and heads for the door, While I lay there motionless sprawled on the floor. My name is Sarah And I am but three Tonight my daddy Murdered me.
I know it's too sad and very extreme, but we must try to stay calm with our children, because they sometimes know no better. After reading this poem, I know I will make an effort to try and understand my chilkd more, and get angry at her less. posted 3/29/2006 by Guilty mother canada "

Oh MY, are you crying too? Can you just feel the girl's wanting to love her parents? Don't you look at your own children and think how often they just want our love too? Why am I doing this too my kids? Because I'm stressed about the hosue and marraige and life and everything? It's not even worth one tear from my baby. Maybe this poem affects me more because I have been in abusive foster homes and all I wanted was parents to love me and they wouldn't. We have so much love to give our children and we waste time doing other things. Ya ALlah.
Here's the last link: http://actagainstviolence.apa.org/specialtopics/yelling.html

This is very important.
A sister is trying to get the word out about Abusive Relationships and Sisters and their Children in NEED of assistance.
Please go there RIGHT NOW!
Tell her how you WANT to help!
It just takes 10 minutes of your time... come on everyone has just 10 minutes to spare!
Help sisters all over the world.
Click on the Post Title OR below:
http://daughtersofkhadijah.blogspot.com/
May Allah reward those who go and try. Seriously.

Imagine if it was your wife/daughter/sister/mother/cousin/aunt/niece in these women's shoes. I'm sure you would help them. So help others too.

Suzie wrote about a woman who left her 5 daughters and wealthy husband and just walked out without informing anyone previously. http://susiesbigadventure.blogspot.com/2008/05/family-in-crisis.html The youngest daughter is 2 and my heart goes out to them all! How could a mother just leave her children? Is she cruel? Is she a monster? Or is she misunderstood?


My biological mother had seven kids. The gov took away all of them (first the top 4 then she had 3 more and they were then taken) because she was an unfit parent and has mental issues. Now she may have loved us all and still claims she did nothing wrong and the gov is evil. But I've read the court records. SHe was given chances to have maids come to help her clean and parenting classes to learn to take care of us better and all kinds of gov assistance but she refused it all saying there was nothing wrong with her and used her religion of Jehovah's Witness to keep the gov away. Obviously she's in denial. So I know her motherly love did not measure up because what mother would throw away free help? Help that if not taken would result in loosing her children? So she didn't take it and we were all taken and put into foster care or adopted. (eventually when I was 8 I got to be with my real father and his wife (my mom)). All of us were separated from her between ages birth to 4. That's really hard on children to gave that feeling of neglect and abandonment especially at early ages. So is she a monster? Or is she misunderstood?

A lot of mothers loose custody of their children. For many various reasons and each child has to suffer the pain, guilt, anxiety etc. of loosing the person they loved probably most in their life. Do mothers do enough to try to win back their kids or to take appropriate steps before marriage to make a contract stating in the case of divorce she gets the children (if that's what's best for the children). I once had a roomate who lost custody of her daughter and though she tried to win back her daughter later when she was more stable it hasn't happened yet she IS better for the girl. I myself have made an agreement with my husband that if we get divorced I get the kids and he agrees fully because I'm the one who takes the best care of them anyways and he's never changed diapers and such. He'd be at work all day anyways so it's more obvious I can care for them better. Plus I'd rather die than be without my kids. But a lot of women don't even talk about this and suddenly they are divorced and struggling to get custody when the father is struggling to keep his kids too. Especially in countries like Saudi it is hard on the mother to get custody like American_Bedu says in her post:http://delhi4cats.wordpress.com/2008/05/15/divorce-in-ksa-who-gets-custody/

I did see the movie The Hours that dealt with this issue and was moving where the mother who walked out in the end says i had to choose life (alone) or death (suicide - from being unhappy in marriage with kids) and she chose life over death though it hurt her two kids and husband. Women who are abused by their husbands of course should leave him and take the kids with her so they aren't abused too. I think mothers who loose their kids through custody battles are more in the category of misunderstood unless negligence, inhumane treatment to the children is to blame. Mothers who just one day wake up and walk out on their family i would have to view as cruel. I could be biased though...what do you think? Misunderstood or cruel?

[note: Same views applies to fathers except in the cases of custody if the mother is fit to care for the child she should be awarded custody. For the rules of Islam I understand that mother normally gets custody of young children and father of older children I don't dispute this or disagree with this in any way. I just hink the parents need to choose what's best for their kids not play tug-of-war with the kids to hurt the other parent. My point though is the mother's who just walk out.]