2:25 AM

Mothers: Cruelty or Misunderstood?

Wrote: American Muslima Writer |

Suzie wrote about a woman who left her 5 daughters and wealthy husband and just walked out without informing anyone previously. The youngest daughter is 2 and my heart goes out to them all! How could a mother just leave her children? Is she cruel? Is she a monster? Or is she misunderstood?

My biological mother had seven kids. The gov took away all of them (first the top 4 then she had 3 more and they were then taken) because she was an unfit parent and has mental issues. Now she may have loved us all and still claims she did nothing wrong and the gov is evil. But I've read the court records. SHe was given chances to have maids come to help her clean and parenting classes to learn to take care of us better and all kinds of gov assistance but she refused it all saying there was nothing wrong with her and used her religion of Jehovah's Witness to keep the gov away. Obviously she's in denial. So I know her motherly love did not measure up because what mother would throw away free help? Help that if not taken would result in loosing her children? So she didn't take it and we were all taken and put into foster care or adopted. (eventually when I was 8 I got to be with my real father and his wife (my mom)). All of us were separated from her between ages birth to 4. That's really hard on children to gave that feeling of neglect and abandonment especially at early ages. So is she a monster? Or is she misunderstood?

A lot of mothers loose custody of their children. For many various reasons and each child has to suffer the pain, guilt, anxiety etc. of loosing the person they loved probably most in their life. Do mothers do enough to try to win back their kids or to take appropriate steps before marriage to make a contract stating in the case of divorce she gets the children (if that's what's best for the children). I once had a roomate who lost custody of her daughter and though she tried to win back her daughter later when she was more stable it hasn't happened yet she IS better for the girl. I myself have made an agreement with my husband that if we get divorced I get the kids and he agrees fully because I'm the one who takes the best care of them anyways and he's never changed diapers and such. He'd be at work all day anyways so it's more obvious I can care for them better. Plus I'd rather die than be without my kids. But a lot of women don't even talk about this and suddenly they are divorced and struggling to get custody when the father is struggling to keep his kids too. Especially in countries like Saudi it is hard on the mother to get custody like American_Bedu says in her post:

I did see the movie The Hours that dealt with this issue and was moving where the mother who walked out in the end says i had to choose life (alone) or death (suicide - from being unhappy in marriage with kids) and she chose life over death though it hurt her two kids and husband. Women who are abused by their husbands of course should leave him and take the kids with her so they aren't abused too. I think mothers who loose their kids through custody battles are more in the category of misunderstood unless negligence, inhumane treatment to the children is to blame. Mothers who just one day wake up and walk out on their family i would have to view as cruel. I could be biased though...what do you think? Misunderstood or cruel?

[note: Same views applies to fathers except in the cases of custody if the mother is fit to care for the child she should be awarded custody. For the rules of Islam I understand that mother normally gets custody of young children and father of older children I don't dispute this or disagree with this in any way. I just hink the parents need to choose what's best for their kids not play tug-of-war with the kids to hurt the other parent. My point though is the mother's who just walk out.]

7 intelligent thoughts:

Mint said...

Waleikom salem!

Thank you so much for your post!I linked yours to mine, the first one :)
I am gonna write this and then read a much as I can on your blog.

MashAllah you hav my dream life! I dont want to live here anymore and I have been wanting kids for so long, but the hob is in school and I dont want to put the pressure onhim, InshAllah soon.

JazakAllagh Kair for your advice sister!

P.s. can you sign ym guestn book at the bottom of my page? You would be the first one and having someone in Lebanon would be cool lol!

Anonymous said...

I really can't judge without knowing the details. Knowing the status of women in Saudi (or lack thereof) and having met a number of Saudi men (who I certainly would never want to be married to) I would not be the person to judge. We don't know if the mother was struggling with issues she could not work with her husband to overcome. Since I cannot know for certain that this woman didn't have very good reason to think leaving her children offered the best hope for all involved, I cannot judge.

All I know is I never want to live in Saudi, nor would I want to marry someone who thinks it is acceptable to have more rights than I do.

Salaam Alaikum,

Aalia said...

Asalaam `alaikum:-D

Hi Amerian Muslima Writer, this is Aalia. I just wanted to say thnx for your comments, and your Blog is very awesome, masha'Allah! Do you live in the U.A.E.? That's my future home insha'Allah, particulary Abu Dhabi because thats where my husband is from.

Well I g2g cuz I just realized why my finger is so itchy--creepy spiders were biting it! OmG I am soooo afraid of spiders :-O

P.S. I am gonna link you insha'Allah, keep up the wonderful writing!


Susie of Arabia said...

I still don't know the reason for the mom leaving her children, but I'm sure it had to be a pretty serious issue or she wouldn't have done it. I still have hopes that the couple will reconcile, although the girls have told me that the parents have been having problems for quite some time.

American Muslima Writer said...

Wow mint, me a dream life! Masha'ALlah it's amazing to think someone wants the life we have and we conplain and complain about our crappy own lives lol.
Just take things slowly with kids and first get to know yourself and take care of anyhting you want to get done first like school wise. Learn as much as you can about Islam and how to practice it correctly. Let your husband settle into a good job if you can wait that long. (lots of us didn't wait and had to make do but that's Allah's will) and make sure he's practicing Islam well. (as a role model for your kids).
Welcome anytime you need anything let me know and I'll be happy to help you or to direct you to sisters that maybe can.
I'll check out your guest book soon and though i'm not in Lebanon anymore i'm in UAE now but bieng mother and wife of Lebanese I guess I can say I'm Lebanese too now.

American Muslima Writer said...

Nicely put PM. BUT if you can re-comment about mothers in general from any nation, that's more of what I'm trying to say. My example of Saudi is what triggered the post thought but as this happen world wide what do you think about these types of Mothers in general?

American Muslima Writer said...

Thanks back Aalia for your comments too. AHH SPIDERS!!! WHERE?!?!?! *jumps on chair holding hem of skirt, looking around furtivly*
I DO live in UAE now in the city of AL-Ain. Though Abu-Dhabi is nice it reminds me of a short New York. Dubai is like a version of L.A. Al-AIn in my place of peace with low humidity and low buildings, and relaxed atomosphere just like my city in TUcson, AZ, USA.
Let me know when you eventaully get here.

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