American Muslima Writer -Daring to Work Towards Jannah

On my way to blogging about my latest and greatest event in my life I ran across another Blogger's touching post. A post on Letting Go. I found it touching and meaningful and words that rang with truth.

Check it out here: Changing My World ~ Random Muslima, Letting Go

Part of putting your priorities in order is being able to let go of things that in the end are not as important. Sometimes people put something like dusting above doorways above the importance of keeping a marriage together. Sometimes people put money before the value of a human life. Sometimes people put going to a club or not wanting to mess up their make-up before Prayer to Allah. Sometimes we think dropping a plate and it breaking is a catastrophe equal to the Catastrophe of Haiti. Perhaps even the simple act of air leaving the lips in the form of a word like TALAQ is equal to a life with no purpose or meaning.

I am out of my mind with depression and misery and anxiety, waiting for that next hit. Trying to hold it off as long as possible. Yearning for that mad rush every time I take a bit. "I'm not a heavy user" I claim, yet there I go sneaking hits here and there. Sometimes I've gone a few days to a week without it... was I miserable? You betcha. Does my family realize the extent I go to get my drugs? Not at all. I hide it in different forms. I sneak it into the house under false pretenses. Sometime I even get my rush outside the house. Taking the kids out somewhere and I know they wont notice my purchase. They love their mother's sudden rush of energy and excitement.

I am addicted to Sugar. I have a sugar sensitivity to where my body craves it as deeply as any narcotic drug. If I don't get it I have wretched withdrawal symptoms. When I get a hit, I get a sugar high Ecstasy users would dream of. And I found out recently just how much it is ruining my life. Every time I get a bit of sugar my body becomes accustomed to the effects requiring me to need more and more over time until now it's come to the point large doses don't affect me and I have to seek out more high sugar content. A spoonful of pure Brown Sugar, or Honey, or sneaking in a juicy oozy Extra Large Kit Kat Bar with dribbly caramel. I save the KitKat for days when I'm super low. Or when I've saved up enough for my habit a large Iced Coffee with Mint Chocolate flavor with whip cream and caramel on top with a rich super chocolate cake. Arg, I'm drooling on my keyboard now and wishing I had the money to pop up to the Mall...

But there is hope for me and for you too if you are sugar sensitive and call yourself a "Sugar Addict" or "Chocoholic". My friend lent me the book "Potatoes NOT Prozac" and BOY OH BOY! did it open my eyes! This is one book recently I've been reading to battle my depression and to help overcome my mental meltdown I had a few weeks back. We'll discuss the other books I read and things I implemented later lets get back to the Potaters. So I reluctantly and dutifully copied all the info I'd need from the book into my own Food Journal. I've been lazy as all get out to do it properly everyday. But slowly I'm trying to ease the sugars down and be more aware of my body's responses to it. It has been helping.

Along with the other books I've been reading I feel more peaceful and better about life now alhamdulillah. Things are definitely turning around and all is not lost or hopeless. I appreciate your comments and concerns in the last post, it really helped me to know there are so many caring poeple out there.

Gosh what a scary sounding thing to happen to someone.

And it is, scary.

SO I wont be posting for a while, not that I've been posting much lately anyways but now even less so...

See ya insha'Allah when things are brighter.

Whoa it has been so long since I blogged... can't really believe it myself I've been away so long. Here's a bunch of randoms thoughts...

But I have great news to share!

I'm getting published!!!!

Can't leak details yet but I will have 2 short story islamic Fiction published and three poems and 6-8 artworks published!!! YAY!

So that is what I have been working on the past few months. April saw the contest for 1 short story and a poem, May I worked on another short story (well two really but I couldn't finish the second in time) and two more poems. June has seen the emergence of an artist :D I've been working hard at designing some black and white drawings (which is not an easy medium to work in).

I signed my first legal Publishing forms yesterday and gotta get them into the mail this week. YAY!

Sometimes I enjoy those milestones where I sign my name at the bottom line...getting my own bank account, my own apartment, marriage contract, passports for my children, publishing deals. There is just an immense satisfaction in writing my name at the end of months of work.

On the personal side of things, I'm working on completing a long to-do list that I promised myself I would complete BEFORE I try to open my own business. Seems the time is ripe for having my own shop and researching for this business is way down on the bottom of my list. I don't want to overwhelm myself with too much stuff which is why I made myself this promise. When the check list is completed only then will I take the plunge. It's not necessarily a hard list with items like :
Sort and file papers that are cluttered in the book shelf.
Sort out the medicines (which have been stuffed in bags and piled up for years) and I just finished this chore yesterday.
Wean my son.

He's almost at the two lunar year mark and I gotta figure out a strategy to wean him without it being torment for either of us. He's so severely attached ever since i tried to wean him back in April. But I cannot be trying to make business deals with a toddler trying to undo my jilbab, not at all professional eh?

So slowly I'm getting there....

I made this month's chart for my daughter long ago for her Homeschooling and it has the names of the month vertically listed with a season symbol next to it. I made it back in December of last year. How far away June and July felt. With their bright yellow sun symbol. Even March,April,May with the raindrop symbol seemed ages, now they are gone. I have accomplished so many goals this year yet still I feel it's all moving too slow on the home front. I still struggle with my ADD everyday to get things done quickly and orderly. Nearly everything on my to-do-list has to do with my home. Because I don't feel I can be successful outside my home if the inside is chaos. So I'm still trying to Calm my chaos.

Today's chore will be going through the kid's toys and weeding out old ones they don't even look at anymore and donating them to charity.

I love PEZ Candy toys, they come in favorite characters my kids love like Tigger, Pooh, Pirates, Tinkerbell Fairies, and the best part is islamically they are good because they don't have bodies. they are hollow with just a head on top that opens. And they double to serve a special treat when the kids have been good, suddenly they will open the pez that has stood empty for ages and find candy inside...hehehe i love that game.

One of my friends is leaving the country soon and she gave me a lot of her children's toys and her daughter's clothes. her daughter is 8 and mine is 4 and I was so happy to get these hand me downs because they fit my daughter perfectly, masha'Allah she's so tall, and now I don't have to buy her new clothes for a long while. Maybe til next year.
Ah my daughter, what interesting things we've been up to. I've always tried to steer her to some tough sports like sword fighting, martial arts, but alas she has alas succumbed to the age old tradition of wanting to be a girlie pink ballerina dancer. *sigh* I'm loathing having purchased "The twelve dancing princesses" she suddenly become a barbie movie addict. But at least so far Barbie doesn't have lengthy kissing scenes like Disney does. I mean really have you ever realized how long or deeply Pocohontas is kissing John Smith before Kocoum comes to battle him? It's embarrassing! I'm like Sweetie, come tell me what this is and how it works (to any random toy in the room) to distract her from the movie scene. The barbie movie, after they got married it just showed them holding hands. Much better..... arg everytime they ask for a Disney movie I just feel I'm corrupting my children..... but I explain things along the way Islamically, like we don't do this, or this is not right to do, we don't dress like this (ala Jasmine, Pocohontas) etc.... it's so hard walking the line between cultures.
She's reading really well though. I'm so proud of her!

We are having a new schedule where their father takes one child with him to pick up his workers from the worksite so that leave me with quality one on one time with a child to enhance their bonding time and learning time. it's really been working out well. And boy is it calming to have one kid in the house again. I feel much better so that when the second child returns happy from their excursion with Baba I can warmly and honestly happily greet them.

Also more good news as of June, my husband quit his last job and was able to get a financial backer to open his own business. So now he's the boss with his own working hours, which has been weird to have him home so often but nice too. The kids are happy to have him around more too. Although on the slight downside I have to have the house more tidier than it used to be. Instead of letting them muck it up with their toys and doing a mass cleaning twice a day before Baba gets home I'm constantly having to pick things up as they knock them down... a little exasperating when I just wanna get through my to-do list but still... at least we get to see his kind face more... :D Also money has been even more tight without him having a boss to fall back on in times of need. So we are just struggling along making sure we have a roof over our heads and a food from each step of the food pyramid to eat everyday, well for our kids to eat everyday, we tend to miss a few steps everyday...but that is life, sacrificing for your children. Alhamduliallah.

My parents were worried because I haven't been bloggin for so long LOL. So Mom this update is for you too :)

So I'm doing overall pretty well. Some days better than others but still... I'm here and that is better than the alternative :D

As for all of those wonderful sisters waiting for me to add them to the All Muslimah Blog Directory, thank you for being patient, it's been crazy these last few months. I'm working on setting down a day to add everyone (en mass). So bare with me and keep checking out other sister's blog and supporting them.

I appreciate all the comments' I've gotten on my blog recently! masha'Allah. I apologise I don't get much time to comment back but I appreciate reading them and posting them for others to read.

For my beautiful sistas on Ivory Rouge, bare with me too hon, I'm trying to get time set aside again to get back into the blogging swing to read all your blogs again. I see sometimes titles you posted and it makes me smile but I haven't gotten the chance to get around to comment properly :( forgive me. Well that goes for all of you bloggers really too, I'm trying to find time to comment more. Fro some weird reason my PC shuts down access to certain blogs. Rudely the ones that are my favorites. ARG! So it takes ages to load and then get through the messed up graphics it loads and the error signs, then finally I get to read the post and then i gotta run off and do something before I get to comment.....pssshh the computer world is so crazy sometimes.

As if I didn't have enough stuff to do with my time, FaceBook has caught me and sucked me into it's depths. it's been nice meeting old acquaintances I knew from Tucson again, and meeting up with new people I know from writing, blogging, and the Islamic Writer's Alliance group (IWA) that I joined. You can add me under the name BRANDY AZ CHASE ... which is the new pen name I've decided to have, the AZ standing of course for Aminah-Zahira, my islamic name.

So that's what I've been up to recently and I had to just gush it out or it would never get said, I have dozens of post ideas waiting of the time to write them and post them but for now they must wait int eh back of my mind on my mental to-do list :p

Love ya All and miss going to your blogs.
Brandy AZ Chase ;) :D

Have you ever wished time did not exist?

Have you ever felt there were just not enough hours in the day?

Me too. I think I'm in the middle of a quarter-century life crisis. My previous "Bad Mother Award" Post was just the tip of the iceberg. There is sooo much more. And it all has to do with time.


I've heard about some people having mental breakdowns. I'm not sure what that entails but I sure do feel I've had one everyday this week. I feel I have 50 million projects on my head and they all need to be done simultaneously and thus they all get half-done. Everything in my life only gets half my attention. I have no more time to give it except for that. Thus my mental breakdowns. I'm sick of everything being halves and not wholes. I just can't handle it anymore.

The problem starts with what I perceive to be an, immodestly put, Brilliant Idea. I MUST do this Brilliant Idea NOW! Thus I push everything else back to the waiting shelf while I tinker on it. But that darn shelf is sooo overloaded already with shelved things and people that things start popping off and bonking me on the head forcing me to deal with them and interrupting my present tinkering. Well today as I threw cooking stuffed tomatoes and bell peppers onto the shelf while taking down the vacuum cleaner, because Hubby popped off the shelf bonking me on the head to remind me to do it, the whole freaking shelf gave a mighty groan and broke to smithereens. And let me tell you, the crap that came rolling off that shelf was not a pretty picture. Now I am chin-high in all the ideas I've ever had for my life and no where to put them.

Are you with me now on the level of my mental breakdown?
I spent the day lolling around not knowing what to do with myself. Every time I looked around at the pile I'd pick up something interesting and turn it around in the gleam of my eye but then with everything piled around it it no longer seemed to hold it's appeal. My kids of course having their own labeled stairs and slide up and down that shelf could tell it was broken and were happy to run amok no longer having to be told to wait a moment while Mommy does this or that. So they ran amok throwing my shelved items hither and thither. My friend here in Al-Ain called in the middle of this shelf collapse. Wanted to know if I wanted to meet her at al-Ain Mall. I looked around at my invisible mess, my physical mess the kids made, and the fact that it would take us a half an hour to get there and told her the truth about the time. She said by that time she would have left the mall so there was no point to bother for now. *sigh* ahh...alhamdulillah said my mind as I hung up. It would have been awkward anyways with me so messed up mentally to make good conversation. I don't think I would have withstood the pressure of acting normal. I would have broke down crying in the middle of BabyShop's Super Sale bemoaning my broken shelf for all and sundry to hear. Yeah soooo glad I was able to keep it in the house.
I messaged my husband a few times about the state of my mind: not good. In the evening he finally called me and offered to take us out for dinner since it was an emergency day.

Mentally for me this was like I just went shopping for new shelf supplies, stronger brackets, bigger screws, a power drill, a slab of steel for the shelf instead of wood. I now had the tools.

So Hubby surprised me with taking us to Pizza Hut. Better yet was when my son fell asleep for the entire meal! Those of you with kids, yes I hear your hisses of envy. Daughter contented herself with discovering the joys of the Parmesan Cheese shaker and trying to copy her father's eating habits. Which left Hubby and I to start building my shelf. Deciding what should go back on the shelf and what should be tossed in the trash, what needed to be organized into boxes and put to sit, and which priorities should be on the actual to-do list. I guess it was almost like a Spring Cleaning of my life.

I have to focus first and foremost on Islam. Because first I am a Muslim, plain and simple.

Next I am myself. I have to take care of myself as in clothes, showers, grooming, weight, etc...

Third and Fourth tie as I am a Wife and Mother. I have to do what wifely things need to be done like the ever difficult for me cleaning and cooking etc... and for the children the Homeschooling and playing and giving love etc...

Now Fifth and so on are where it became hard to make decisions and I felt like that power drill just wasn't gonna be able to fix my shelf after all.
Who am I?
What am I?
A writer?
A designer?
A landscaper?
A blogger?
A business CEO?
An Artist?
Which ones goes to #5?
WHICH ONE!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!
AAARRRGGGGGGGG!!!!!!
The choices!

I talked about each subject with my Husband and even asked my daughter's input. I got a few leads but will have to continue this on another post....

For now I will just say the shelf is THERE again, waiting......

Pick your Captain, Any Captain! Make him or her yourself for a day, week, month (you know as long as it keeps working...) and then look around you. Your home has now been transformed into a sprawling pirate ship. With full rigging.

Imagine with me the billowing sails in the color of your dear living room curtains. Come on open the window! Let in that fresh salty sea breeze! Turn sprinklers on the front lawn for added effect of waves crashing. Your living room is now the main top deck, kitchen has been turned into a galley. Enjoy counting your plunder in the Captain's Quarters aka Master Bedroom. Computer Room or Hobby Room can become the Helm. Bathroom naturally is the Brig. Children's rooms are for the crew. Please choose your crew wisely.

Never can tell where loyalties lie and watch out for stowaways on slumber party nights. Once you have your mixed crew of imaginary and real people assembled. Assign them tasks.
Older crew members can swab the decks. Younger crew can tie down the rigging. If you're all alone in your home then order yourself around and don't be lazy with the whip. A good crack here and there will set them straight.
Don't forget in your Home Management Notebook you can set it up as a Captain's Logbook. With sections on Crew, Plunder, Treasure, Ship Maintenance, Treasure Map Locations, a listing of qualified doctors to see upon getting stabbed or shot, you know, the basics.
The best part of Pirating is searching for hidden treasure. Now I don't want you to go digging holes in your yards. I want you to clear out your junk and throw away the fool's gold and search for the crown jewels. Be MERCILESS! You're a Pirate!
For the higher imaginative Captains you can add your own scenarios while you go along, either of swashbuckling treasure hunting, make like you are a hidden spy on an enemy ship and are rooting for clues, or romantic escapades on the high seas... the choices are as large as your imagination...

Of course make any dawdlers walk the plank at sword point. Or better yet arm them with a swisher and mop and lock them in the Brig. HAR HAR HAR!!!!

The best is to have fun while making your home Ship Shape.