"You're the best mommy in the world." says my daughter as I help her down from standing on the desk holding her toy box for her so she wont drop it. As her toes reach carpet I release her and wish I were so badly the best mommy in the world.
I recieved the Best Mom of the Year Award from two wonderful bloggers but everytime I go to post about it I shake my head and feel like a hypocrite. How can I accept such an award when I know I don't deserve it?
There are times my kids want to play with me and I don't.
There are times when they want me to make them the best snack in the world and I don't.
There are times when they ...*sigh* I can't even go into it all I really can't... I'm so miserably depressed lately when I think about my mothering skills.
I love them absolutly to death and would do anything for them but the real definition of love is what you do for them daily, hourly, even every minute. It's there I feel I'm failing. There is so much I want to do with them. There is so much I want to say. I want to be free to just deal with life in my own unique way but I can't. So everything gets jummbled together and nothing gets done to my satisfaction. There are people above me to answer to. My whole life I've longed for freedom of restrictions of obeying others. I love my parents dearly but they know as well as I that I wasn't meant to live under someone's roof. I was meant to live under my own. I have weird and strange ways to go about doing what needs to be done and sometimes it's the rest of the world that gets in my way.
I love my husband and my kids and everyone in my life I honestly do and I understand the roles we are all assigned but deep inside sometimes I wish I was at the top of the ladder dictating my life..... I really can't go on much more right now, I'm very upset. Don't even know why I put this on AMW instead of my private Ivory Rouge but perhaps to let all you wonderful poeple out there see life is not always peachy and why I haven't blogged about the "Best Mom of the Year Award".