American Muslima Writer -Daring to Work Towards Jannah

There is so much to share I almost don’t know where to start.


You see I have this secret.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

When I wake up and feel like it might be a bad day or things might not turn out so great or run smoothly, I only have to think of my precious secret and suddenly I smile or even laugh with joy. (No I'm not preg!)

When people piss me off in the world I draw a deep breath and put things in perspective by remembering my secret. If someone praises me I always remember any goodness I do or am comes solely from Allah and at any moment He can change me into something else. One ill-intentioned action here, one bad action there, and I'd be slipping back into the chaos that engulfed my life as a teen. I can never allow myself to think I'm safe from the threshold or the brink of it. Always we all teeter on that edge, some closer than others. I'm hoping by this point in my life my actions and intentions have lead me to have a foot solidly implanted on the safe side. The side leading to Allah and severely away from Shaytan and his ilk.

___________________________________________________________________

Who you share your journey with in this world affects that position on the edge. The Prophet's (SAW) is correct 100% saying to the summarized effect: "Be careful who you are friends with, the bad will bring you down, the good will raise you higher."

I've struggled for years to find and keep friends. I take my job as a friend very seriously and have my deep loyalties. I try to be the one that does not bring their friend lower but only encourages them to the higher.

When I had moved away from my parents to another city my friends from the teenage years would come visit. But sometimes though I loved them dearly I felt their topics of conversation would bring me down in a religious way yet raise me in their general support of my life. They are good people and always accepted me and my changes in life. And they still do, Bless them for that. But I needed to be raised higher religiously.

I went to the masjids and tried making friends with the sisters in the community. Sadly the only one I really hooked up with was one sister also American Convert. She was going through a rough patch in life and when we met we would raise each other higher. I was there for her sudden marriage to my husband's close friend and there for the quick divorce that followed only months later as the cultures were incompatible. She moved in with me and we both would strive harder in Islam. Praying more and trying to find our calling. Poverty was eminent in this time of my life more than any other time. We were both struggling to pay rent and deal with this problem. She started turning to easy fixes while I maintained my high road. Looking back I can see where she started to fall but neither of us was clear seeing enough then to help prevent her. Sadly after I left America and she had re-married, she left Islam from lack of Community Support. It was a crushing blow to me. We had prayed together. We had fasted together. We had read Qur'an together. I felt I had failed her somehow. I should have seen the signs, but I was too wrapped up in the drama of my life then. And I will tell the truth that in those last months I was beginning to fall with her but I couldn't see that, I could feel it in the back of my heart but I didn't know what to do about it. I was trapped in it just like her. I only prayed for my swift release from the prison I was in.

_________________________________________________

In Lebanon things were very lonely at first. Until I got immersed in the "married to Lebanese" clubs. Meeting sisters who just like me came from all over the world and had embraced Islam and had fallen for the passionate Lebanese. We bonded and I was enthralled with the goodness they had to offer. Sisters so intent on bettering themselves. But there were too many sects. I had three different sets of friends from different sects and they all preferred not to be with the other groups. I was torn to choose one group over the others. How can a person do such a hard task as to WEIGH their friend's worth. I finally had to decide to stay mainly with the ones that lead me higher in Islam. Offered me the most knowledge and practiced with the most God-Fearing Sincerity. I still had the other friends though and would keep in contact and good spirits with them and every other friend I'd met in my life through emails or phone calls and visits and such.

My three closest friends were Swedish, Latvian, and Taiwanese. These three souls really helped broaden my knowledge and practice of Islam. The Latvian sister brought strength to my heart and taught me never to apologize for being myself. The Swedish sister taught me the joy of continual struggle despite the demands of life. She always gave me excellent advice on how to get through those prickly situations and stay on top Islamically. My Taiwanese friend showed me the real spirit of generosity in not only helping me if I was ever in real trouble but by always having her house open to those who searched for the truth. She always gave her time and energy and never accepted base excuses for laxity. She one of the few in life who always pushed me to do more than the obligatory and always strive for the greater reward of adding extra Sunnah and also learning Arabic to read Qur'an.

I miss them so deeply. May Allah reward them and their goodness.

_________________________________________________________________

Coming to UAE was also very lonely. I was pregnant and was dealing with the most difficult part of my life I had ever faced. I had no one to go to, no one to help me, to sound things out with. Friends in USA couldn't help me more than the basic support because religiously they weren't at the same level of understanding. But at least that much support helped me when i felt totally alone that at least there was someone out in the world besides my family that cared I was in pain. Friends came slowly and in stages here.

The first ones through a link from Lebanon who knew sisters here and had given me their numbers. Each one of these new friends proved a special role in my life May Allah Bless them 100 fold for their goodness.

Then I met more and more and word would spread and new contacts were made. Perhaps I made a few wrong moves and wore my heart on my sleeve a little too much and thus was backstabbed a bit but I came out of it wiser. Open your mouth and heart to the sincere few who take the time and energy to stay in your life. At this point I gained my next closest friend from America with Euro roots that I blogged about here in 2009.

We were swept in a wave of friendship, love, and companionship. She never accepted excuses for me to be less than the best Muslim I could possibly be. And I supported her emotionally through her troubles and offered the most sincere and loving and loyal advice I could. And as many long term friends do we've had a few fights that were ironed out eventually.

But after I moved to Dubai we've drifted. Phone calls and texts becoming fewer. I wish her the best in life for her and her family wherever she is or whatever she is doing now. She also gave me a strength in Islam that has lasted me into this new stage. She helped guide my prayers on track and always reminded me of gaining those moments of extra blessings when they are in their time. Like the time between Asr and Maghrib on Friday. My other friend very close to me from Botswana(white African) I met through work in Al-Ain was a recent convert and her freshness to Islam and her need of companionship and knowledge allowed me for once to be the one helping another. To help guide her through those sticky issue that pop up first for a convert. I tried to raise her higher and her excitement for Islam was a breath of fresh air. She hadn't been in it long enough to know the realities of the Muslim world and hadn't yet seen the Sects or the Muslim Hypocrites that tend to sour one's faith a little bit. She reminded me Islam IS ONE.

________________________________________________________________

Also she taught me how easy it is to give your time and energy to a good cause. In Ramadan she decided to make trays of food to send to the masjid to feed the hungry men there waiting for Iftar. She was in connection with others doing the same and Bless her a 1000 fold for her willingness not to just think but to DO. She showed me the power of ACTION. Now she's in charge of the Sister's Network I set up in AL-Ain to keep the sisters there close and always in contact with one another.

Also both of these close friends in Al-Ain taught me the importance of self-improvement through reading religious books besides the Qur'an. The first friend I mentioned gave me a book called DONT BE SAD (and a few other wonderful ones) but this book DONT BE SAD helped me really get over my depression for good and not return to that energy sucking maw of darkness. May Allah Bless her and her family a 1000 fold. The second friend gave me two special gifts that have changed me. The second gift I have not finished gaining from yet as the 10 Book Set of English Translated- Tafsir Ibn Kathir. I have started with the first book and I am slowly pouring through it to gain every pearl I can. Tafsir, for those that don’t know, is an EXPLINATION of the HOLY QUR'AN. So it not just translated the Quran but tells you what each part of every Suraha and Ayah means and how and why it was revealed. I KNOW this will lift me higher in the future and I'll keep you informed on that.

Also just before I moved to Dubai she gave me a very interesting book called "THE BOOK OF THE END". It looked very interesting as it showed on the cover and on the telling on the back that this book featured Hadith about the End of Times, how the world will end and the major and minor signs of the day of judgement. I put it aside as I started my life here in Dubai. But one important Day I picked it up and began to read. And I couldn't put it down. Every waking moment free in my life I spent reading this and gaining SO MUCH from its pages. It not ONLY about the signs leading up to the Day of Judgment; It is complete Hadith and Qur'an about the entire process for creation until we are either safely in Jannah enjoying its blessing or wretchedly in Hell tormented in our pain from our own wrong-doings. May Allah give us the first and keep us far from the last. Amin. It goes in depth in order from Current time to the End of this World and the stages there-in, the Mahdi, the Dajjal, the return of Prophet 'Isa (Jesus), all the way til the end and destruction of our world. The moment it tells about how only Allah will be left after ordering Death to Kill itself is amazing. It just brings you to reality of Allah's Power. Then it takes you deep (and sometimes repetitively as many hadith overlap each other) into the Resurrection. It describes in intimate detail how we will progress from one stage to another. It reveals WHY we are given so much information in the Qur'an about other cultures of the past, as we Muslims will testify to the truth of their sins based on our knowledge of what Allah has given us in the Qur'an. It's amazing how everything overlaps and touches each other despite the differences of TIME. Because Allah is not bound by Time as it is His Creation. It goes into the area of what becomes to those who lived only for the frivolities of the world never seeking anything higher than the high they could get from the nearest vodka bottle or heroine. It tells the fate of those who transgress Allah's limits and oppress those around them. And to counteract this it tell the Blessings of those who strived hard and earned Allah's pleasure. Next it takes you deep into the world of Hell and what happens there and why certain people get certain punishments. Then to counteract that as you really start to have a deep fear of not being good enough to get away from that fate. It goes into the supreme pleasures of Heaven Jannah where everything will be delightful and your heart just fills with so much happiness you can no longer see even the smoke from the fire of Hell. I have never laughed with so much joy than when i read this Book. It cleanses your heart. My prayer while reading this book was so deep and full of closeness to Allah.

I have never felt so spiritually pure and high before. It brought me with acute awareness my limited time on this earth to earn my place in Jannah like nothing else has ever done.

_________________________________________________________________

Years ago I made a Promise to Allah. While reading this book it made me realize I only have to ASK whatever I want from Allah and He will grant it in this life or give it to me in the next if it would not be good for me now. One of the ways I learned this was through the hadith telling about when the Prophet would tell about jannah Companions would speak up and say to the effect, Wall I be of those with you there in Jannah? And the Prophet would reply, Yes, you will be of those. Then he continued to others in the Hadith after the first had left the scene that had others asked before those first Companions they would have received the good news. THEY ONLY HAD TO OPEN THEIR MOUTH AND SPEAK UP. To have that Hope! To have that desire that they will succeed enough to ASK for it. Some people don’t ask Allah for things thinking He will never give it to them. Well how will you expect anything in this world if you don’t ask for it? True Allah KNOWS our utmost hearts and knows already what we need and don’t. But part of receiving his bounty is trusting he WILL give it to you and that you only need to ASK him for it. And accepting the answer he will give you about it. Allah has so much Mercy and Compassion and Forgiveness beyond our comprehension. A Million fold than a mother gives Mercy to her tender baby.

________________________________________________________________

So I asked.

.

.

.

I realized my True Calling in the this world. It took me this book to see past this worldly life and what was really important. To move past the squabbles and petty arguments and fights of everyday existence and do something Better. Release that Anger into Forgiveness. Not let it get attached to you in your Heart. Learn to forgive and take the upper road.



So I have my secret now of what my future will hold. I have ASKED MY ALL-MIGHTY ALLAH. And He in His Mercy has begun to give me. He let my heart be purified. He has turned my face from pettiness (well as much as a Human can try to manage to get away from it). He has shown me a glimmer of my Future. It is up to me to do the work that will get me there. I have to keep being good, Keep striving Hard in my goals. AND I have to help others on the same path.



He has not given me this task to hold by myself as it is a weighty and immense task. I asked for such a high thing and I have to remain humble and straight-forward enough to complete it. He has given me new friends.

The other special friend is even more dear to me because she IS Muslim, from Indian/Arab origins. She is not like my other Muslim friends. They were all more conservative. She is definitely liberal in Practice BUT her heart is pure Gold. She has this inner beauty and charisma that shines like bright rays of sunlight. So powerful it is like looking directly at the sun, it hurts the intensity but it makes you so warm. She has so much energy to do good and to become good. She encourages it from others. She spreads her hope around her like a fuzzy blanket in the winter storm. Whatever good I have she magnifies it. And her goodness inspires me to reach higher and higher. She shows me that even though we are all struggling sinners in this life we have to keep trying to reach beyond ourselves.

She is the backbone to supporting me and my future secret plans. Without her I'd be almost all alone with my dreams, besides my Husband who is of course encouraging me. She makes it seem like it is just around the next bend and I had better hold onto it tightly. SubhanAllah how Allah gives us just the right friends at just the right time.

I have lent her my copy of the Book of the End to help her lift higher too. I really recommend you ALL read it. You can get it from Magrudy's if in UAE, order from any branch, or INTL: HERE or HERE or HERE or HERE

____________________________________________________________________



So here I am and my life feels FULL. I was torn last month in November wanting to get started on my secret but wanting to complete NaNoWriMo. I managed to finish it and excelled at reaching 51,000 words by the end of the month on my new story "A Lira for Lebanon"! YAY! I didn't think I could do it as at first I was writing by hand and that was slow but finally I gave in three weeks after hand working to type on the computer and managed to make it all up right on the last day.

My job is going well at Magrudy's. My family is healthy and happy. My marriage is strong and unified. We managed to FINALLY find a Nanny after so many tries the past few months. I hope she stays and it works out. She is also the key to my life working in synch, without her it will fall apart again. I treat her as a close friend and a part of my family.

_________________________________________________________________________

Today I took the kids, our Nanny and my Christian friend to the Burj Al-Arab beach on my day off.

It was soooo peaceful and lovely. Just the absolute prefect moment in life where everything feels right and everything is going right and the worries of tomorrow will wait.

Tomorrow we will add the Indian friend to the group and go to the park. I can imagine a perfect moment ahead. Insha'Allah.

________________________________________________________________________

I have my secret. It warms and purifies my heart.

It reminds me to keep:

.

.

.

He laughed.
"That is Dubai, the most expensive city in the Middle East."
We've lived here for 4 years now. I love Al-Ain, seriously.
I'll be transferred from the Bawadi Branch here in AL-Ain to Deira City Center in Dubai.
I went there and checked it out and its a bigger shop so that makes me happier.
I get to do ALL of this JUST BEFORE RAMADAN!!! YIKES!

So Sisters in Dubai...looks like you'll get a new Blogger moving in.  ;)

i will not FAIL

This past weekend I actaully spent the whole day feeling like I was being partially brainwashed except I liked it.

The opening and commemoration of the World's Tallest Tower happened on January 4th.  The event took place on the same day as the aniversary of His Highness Sheikh Mohammad bin Rashid Al Maktoum taking assenssion to the Throne as Dubai's ruler 4 years ago.

To celebrate this mighty occassion they spent the entire day from sun up til probably about midnight on all local Dubai TV channels covering different aspects of the day and how the Burj Dubai was built. Inbetween talking about the Burj there was extensive coverage of the Sheikh himself. How he helps humanity and how humble he is to even sit on the bare dirt while speaking to an Elderly Emirati man who is also just sitting on dirt.  He built the man a brand new house and a whole community of houses in four months.  Masha'Allah.  He enjoys supporting the sports and camel and horse racing events.  BUT my particular favoritism for this man has to do with his involvement in the Literary world.  He largely supports Poetry and Literature.  His foundation has made the goal to translate 1,000 novels into Arabic language in the next three years, more than one novel translated in a day.  That is pretty awesome!  He is a poet himself and always attends literature events.  Now I'm not all googly eyed or anything like that as I'm well aware all people have flaws especially Rulers.  But as far as rulers go he's a lot better than MANY.
One of the weird things though was in the middle of Opening the tower Sheikh Mohammad RENAMED the Tower!!!  I was stunned.  There went years of advertising revenue aimed at imprinting the NAME of BURJ DUBAI into people's minds.  it is NOW BURJ KHALIFA.  Named after the Ruler of UAE, based in Abu DHabi.  So me and Hubby speculated why the name change and the best we could figure is because ABuDHabi just bailed out Dubai finacially and thus they are grateful?  AS I said it is speculation, don't sue me. I'm sure the real reason is out there if I wanted to take the time and google it... erm which i don't.....
But it's another excuse for me to go to Dubai and see something new.  I'm definitly going to go to the top someday and see the world.

Although the whole time I'll be fearing Allah's Wrath on the city where Sin and CORRUPTION is RISING!!!  Although NewYork is still standing.....and L.A. ...... and London.....  perhaps the Burj "formerly Dubai" Khalifa will be spared?

So this is what's been on my mind for the past month, erm you people did miss me right? I could tell by the lack of comments how much i was missed ;)
But it didn't hurt really to be forgotten in blogworld because I hadn't really been on blogger to do more than check comments (lotta spam whats up with that!!!) and see if my best buds had posted anything.
But I have been on the Computer almost 24/7 the last few months.  Imediatly after NaNoWriMo in November ended (whew!) I completly ignored my story and turned to business.
I have been seraching for the perfect business project for ages now.  It's always been a toss up between Interior Designing, Landscape Designing, or actaully I can't remeber half the ideas that used to float in my head anymore. But everytime I made istikhara for it things would seem to go in the rigth direction but just "put on hold for now" and evertime this happened something else would enter my mind as soemthing better to do. Well after Nano I was really cracking down on figuring out if I wanted to do Interior Designing Firm.  But meanwhile in the Islamic Writers Alliance (IWA) message boards I was absolutly happiest when dealing with IWA matters and talking with people in this industry.  My heart longed to do soemthing meaningful with Books and Literacy.
After sending a hesitant question in my discussions with an American Muslim Publisher and hearing her enthusiastic response it was solidified in my heart.

Meantime though I still gotta keep up the house, kjeep off the weight, Homeschool, help friends, etc.... so that is why the month is now almost over and I haven't had time for blogging and haven't even finished my Business Plan.  But yesterday I got a lot of free time in so I worked hard and got a lot of good statistical figures about the industry and demographics of UAE.

I really feel the hardest part is the Business Plan. Getting it right and making it work and doing all the research.  Finding an investor i believe will happen with the Grace of Allah. He will either send me one or not. End of Story.

I may have a logo contest in the future so stay tuned.

Means someone's thoughts that are not yet FACT.

It is Darwin's theory of Evolution NOT Darwin's FACTS on Evolution. Yet everyone treats it as facts and forces us to learn it in school where Creationism is not allowed.

I spent a number of years as an Atheist studying Darwin's works and held great admiration for what he achieved with his life and was set to stick my Darwin Fish on my car when i first owned one.

There were number of questions though that I never found answers to. Answers that the "Great" Darwin could not answer. Some Questions for the curious like:


Why if we descended from Monkeys/chimps are their STILL monkeys and chimps that have not evolved? Surely they would have long ago changed too. What about all the other animals that have not evolved over the centuries and are still very similar to it's original?



Also the ever present, What was there before the BIG BANG? How did it "randomly" spark? There have been many THEORIES about it but nothing that holds water for long unless, get this, YOU JUST BELIEVE. Yes, you have to BELIEVE in Darwinism to just accept that molecules and atoms randomly sprung together to create this ordered and well maintained universe. It's a leap of Faith in science.


One I no longer share. Alhamdulillah. Don't get me wrong I DO understand that some animals and some things change with time just like a river carving it's way through the Grand Canyon. But I do not believe WE HUMANS started out from monkeys/chimps. The river remains a river, the rock of the canyon remains rock. They each change a little but are THE SAME...It has been clear from my studies on Islam in these matters that Allah created Adam and he was huge compared to us. And in Jannah we will be given back larger bodies. So I do see things from two sides really kinda a blend of Darwin/Creation. I believe Allah created everything with set scientific rules. As things reproduced and changed slowly it is by HIS WILL and PLAN. Take my husband and myself and our children, each child looks exactly like half of each of us. They are the blending of two distinctly different races of HUMAN. They will later reproduce with different features creating completely different people with measurements different from me and my husband. These are known facts. But they will remain shorter or taller examples of HUMANS not anything else.
Now I have seen some deeply inbred people with thick brows and chunky heads that if dressed in a monkey suit could pass for monkey or neanderthal but yet they remain human and if married to someone of lighter browed, higher foreheaded person, would produce different children etc... my point of all this is though we humans do change looks and style depending on location or breeding patterns we still remain human and I truly believe we always HAVE been all the way back to Adam when he was Created by Allah. After all Allah created the other forms so why should Human be any more difficult? We have a different soul perhaps but that is another Post to ponder on. The point is that no one on this earth is the gigantic portions of Adam because of the way we've changed but none of us is any closer to changing into a different species.

So a few years after becoming Muslim I realized I cannot BELIEVE the theory of Darwin and although I totally BELIEVE Allah's Creation, I do see some Middle Ground I think scientist should focus on to improve knowledge instead of fighting all the time.


{By the way I do know all the Darwin sided points about the old "Who created God stuff" after all I used to battle Christians on it long ago so don't bother to fight it out with me ok. I'm just putting out my THEORY of ALL of Creationism and PART of Darwin.}

Have you ever wished time did not exist?

Have you ever felt there were just not enough hours in the day?

Me too. I think I'm in the middle of a quarter-century life crisis. My previous "Bad Mother Award" Post was just the tip of the iceberg. There is sooo much more. And it all has to do with time.


I've heard about some people having mental breakdowns. I'm not sure what that entails but I sure do feel I've had one everyday this week. I feel I have 50 million projects on my head and they all need to be done simultaneously and thus they all get half-done. Everything in my life only gets half my attention. I have no more time to give it except for that. Thus my mental breakdowns. I'm sick of everything being halves and not wholes. I just can't handle it anymore.

The problem starts with what I perceive to be an, immodestly put, Brilliant Idea. I MUST do this Brilliant Idea NOW! Thus I push everything else back to the waiting shelf while I tinker on it. But that darn shelf is sooo overloaded already with shelved things and people that things start popping off and bonking me on the head forcing me to deal with them and interrupting my present tinkering. Well today as I threw cooking stuffed tomatoes and bell peppers onto the shelf while taking down the vacuum cleaner, because Hubby popped off the shelf bonking me on the head to remind me to do it, the whole freaking shelf gave a mighty groan and broke to smithereens. And let me tell you, the crap that came rolling off that shelf was not a pretty picture. Now I am chin-high in all the ideas I've ever had for my life and no where to put them.

Are you with me now on the level of my mental breakdown?
I spent the day lolling around not knowing what to do with myself. Every time I looked around at the pile I'd pick up something interesting and turn it around in the gleam of my eye but then with everything piled around it it no longer seemed to hold it's appeal. My kids of course having their own labeled stairs and slide up and down that shelf could tell it was broken and were happy to run amok no longer having to be told to wait a moment while Mommy does this or that. So they ran amok throwing my shelved items hither and thither. My friend here in Al-Ain called in the middle of this shelf collapse. Wanted to know if I wanted to meet her at al-Ain Mall. I looked around at my invisible mess, my physical mess the kids made, and the fact that it would take us a half an hour to get there and told her the truth about the time. She said by that time she would have left the mall so there was no point to bother for now. *sigh* ahh...alhamdulillah said my mind as I hung up. It would have been awkward anyways with me so messed up mentally to make good conversation. I don't think I would have withstood the pressure of acting normal. I would have broke down crying in the middle of BabyShop's Super Sale bemoaning my broken shelf for all and sundry to hear. Yeah soooo glad I was able to keep it in the house.
I messaged my husband a few times about the state of my mind: not good. In the evening he finally called me and offered to take us out for dinner since it was an emergency day.

Mentally for me this was like I just went shopping for new shelf supplies, stronger brackets, bigger screws, a power drill, a slab of steel for the shelf instead of wood. I now had the tools.

So Hubby surprised me with taking us to Pizza Hut. Better yet was when my son fell asleep for the entire meal! Those of you with kids, yes I hear your hisses of envy. Daughter contented herself with discovering the joys of the Parmesan Cheese shaker and trying to copy her father's eating habits. Which left Hubby and I to start building my shelf. Deciding what should go back on the shelf and what should be tossed in the trash, what needed to be organized into boxes and put to sit, and which priorities should be on the actual to-do list. I guess it was almost like a Spring Cleaning of my life.

I have to focus first and foremost on Islam. Because first I am a Muslim, plain and simple.

Next I am myself. I have to take care of myself as in clothes, showers, grooming, weight, etc...

Third and Fourth tie as I am a Wife and Mother. I have to do what wifely things need to be done like the ever difficult for me cleaning and cooking etc... and for the children the Homeschooling and playing and giving love etc...

Now Fifth and so on are where it became hard to make decisions and I felt like that power drill just wasn't gonna be able to fix my shelf after all.
Who am I?
What am I?
A writer?
A designer?
A landscaper?
A blogger?
A business CEO?
An Artist?
Which ones goes to #5?
WHICH ONE!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!
AAARRRGGGGGGGG!!!!!!
The choices!

I talked about each subject with my Husband and even asked my daughter's input. I got a few leads but will have to continue this on another post....

For now I will just say the shelf is THERE again, waiting......

Masha'Allah I had the chance to meet this amazing Sheikh last week and my mind has been constantly turning since.
I was invited with a select few to meet him and his wife in their way home from USA. Masha'Allah I'm so glad I was able to attend. Of course it was segregated. As I went around the room I didn't even know which one was his wife. As I went one Sister had a beautifully strong grip and it surprised me in a good way. I used to have a grip like that but I softened it over the years for fear of crushing other gentler sister's hands. After a second for the handshake to sink in I abruptly made mine stronger too in appreciation. She asked my name and I responded Aminah, forgetting my name that I usually say is "Brandy, or if you want Aminah". She smiled warmly and I liked her immediately as I stared in her eyes. I wasn't expecting another question because I was concerned with making my greetings around the room and since I didn't know who his wife was I didn't want to accidently offend her by not saying Salam quickly. "Where are you from?" she asked. "Oh, Am-iari-ca." I said stumbling over the words. I gave myself a mental shake. "America." I corrected. She asked another question that I've now forgotten but I begged off answering more because I wanted to make rounds of Salams. I went around the circle making sure I got each and everyone. I sat near my friend who invited me and we made head bobbles. Me nodding 'Which is the Sheikh's wife' her bobble back towards the sister with the firm handshake. Masha'Allah I was hoping so. I sat back while she spoke to others and just studied her as I study all people I meet. SubhanAllah she really reminded me of an older version of myself. Her laid back friendly attitude and gestures were very similar to me. But beyond that I felt a pull in my heart towards her. Her character as she talked to all of the Sisters was beautiful. She would flip back between Arabic and English making sure we all understood everything she was saying. I was able to ask her a question and she answered it in depth and masha'Allah it really affects my hear tot his very moment. In one or two sentences she gives you words to live by. One quote from her I will say is "Sometimes when someone is holding a piece of meat dogs will come crowding around you. You try everything to get them to leave but they wont. You have to get rid of the meat." Then she explained this means in this life we are wrongly holding tight to worldly things that may keep bad things coming to us and sometimes the simplest things that is right to do is to throw it away just like the meat.
Deep eh?
In between rescuing my son from climbing the perilous stairs I was able to hear parts of other questions and answers. One such moment I managed to jump back to my spot (next to her YAY!) to hear among other words that I've forgotten(....parts....) and don't want to misquote... ".....we all have this fear.......not doing well enough....so we all come here with this fear in our hearts. To gather to better ourselves towards Allah. This brings great baraka to our gatherings together. The angels...... making blessings (or some similar word) all the way up."
SubhanAllah I got all teary. I have never gotten teary in a group just from a few sentences. She described exactly how I felt coming to meet her and the other Sisters. I wanted just even once word to help raise me higher in my deen. I was not disappointed. After we finished talking formally we kind of broke into smaller groups to chat and I spoke with another Sister who is a writer. She too was extremely sweet. After we went upstairs then the men came in from their walk. Part of attending this, I wore niqab, to make everyone more comfortable, so since I was veiled there was no harm in my lurking on the steps with the writer Sister so she could point out the Sheikh to me as he passed by to sit where we had just sat. Masha'Allah I could only see the side profile of his face. He had a calm expression though like one who is at peace internally. This was all I had a chance to study then I flitted upstairs to sit with the women. To make a long evening short, I again got to speak privately with her just before she prayed Isha' and subhanAllah the more time I spent in her presence the more ingrained in my heart she became. I hugged her warmly goodbye, flipped my niqab on, and went downstairs to catch up with my friend.
Sheikh Nuh was sitting in an arm chair with two brothers, and I asked my friend if I could just say Salam to him. She and another sister were unsure if it was appropriate but finally I just took a gulp and walked over half a rooms' length. My wonderful friend spoke up for me saying the first Salam. I felt the hesitation in her voice and I didn't want it to seem like it was her idea in case the Sheikh was bothered so I spoke up quickly. "Assalamu ALikum, my name is Aminah (again Brandy had left for the evening, never to be seen), I just wanted to meet you and say Salam ....." and so on. He watched me with his calm eyes never wavering or wandering as some eyes are prone to. I made it as short as I could. It wasn't the words that mattered anyway. His words were on many tapes if I wished for words. I wanted to SEE his character. And see it I did. Humble, Calm, Unhurried, Peaceful, Understanding, Inner Depth, Wise. Were what I took in, in less than a minute. I turned and went to get my kids' shoes on and since I have two kids it took time. I was four steps below the main floor level and the Sheikh was heading upstairs so he paused to talk near where I stood cramming little feet into little shoes. I ignored my kids focusing solely on seeing if anything in his demeanor changes when not talked directly to, and found nothing but re-enforcement to what I read above. As he walked off I finished the shoe problem outside not to disturb anyone further.
I was busy thinking hard and analyzing my evening and searching for my missing car key and feeling sheepish that the brother driving was waiting all this time for my key and I had lost it in my bag and keeping my kids in line. Rushing always brings out the un-smart in me. I found my key at last unlocked the doors and since we had to be first to load I mentally began planning the entry, hmm I should get in the back first and then someone hand me my son and then get my daughter to climb in but she's in everyone's way so let her stand in the middle section for now and I'll squeeze in past her...BAM! I banged my head against the top of the minivan.
I was so surprised to have not even seen it coming. I was then even more shocked when I fell from the blow. I laid there on the pavement in absolute shock and prayed no one would raise the alarm and have me sent back into the house to further disturb the Sheikh and his wife. Alhamdulliah one of the brothers travelling in our group is a doctor and advised me to take it easy. He advised me to check for bleeding and that proved frustrating because I wasn't used to niqab and couldn't figure out a way to feel under three layers to my head. I touched my head as best I could and figured it was ok. The doctor went on a bit about symptoms of concussions and honestly I wasn't all that much focusing though I tried to tell myself to repeat everything he says. Once I got carefully INSIDE the minivan and got my kids figured out then I lifted my niqab to check better if I was bleeding. Nope. Alhamdulliah. I tried to take care of my kids' dinner but my head was aching bad. Finally my son went to sleep and my daughter amused herself eating and playing. I was feeling worse but alhamdulliah we went back to Al-Ain (from Dubai) and I was taken to An-Noor Hospital ER for a check up and x-ray but it was all ok. I was given Ibuprofen and that's all. Alhamdulliah.
I had lots of time to reflect upon my evening. It was something that I didn't expect to be memorable but it was deeply so. I felt much different than when I met Hamza Yusuf. I felt on a threshold of something better to come.