Followers

9:08 AM

More Natural Life

Wrote: American Muslima Writer |

Where on this whole earth would you want to live if you could go anywhere for free and live there? What's your dream?


In my Queenly domain of Al-Quoz Industrial, covered in sand and a few paved roads. A lone tree on the side of the road attracts many world-weary men to crouch under it in the heat of the day. It is the sole source of shade between an intersection of hot asphalt and the remainder of the journey across dusty sand. There is no sidewalk to ease the journey to the local market. If you can't bare another trip through the sands you can walk on the road, at your own hazard of being hit by speeding cars or large industrial trucks hauling their goods.

Once you finally reach your haven of home and the shade of the buildings there is relief from the heat for the skin, but what of relief for the eyes? The eyes grown too accustomed to the tan color of sand, the beige buildings that cry for color. Here and there a shirt hanging or a window left open provides a hint of brightness to a stark landscape. Sometimes I used to wonder why the native desert people had such garish taste in color patterns for their clothes. Now I understand. It's so damn dull to see sand color day in and day out, you need something garishly shocking to make you feel a bit happier.

There are sections placed in our area for plants and even black hoses to water them installed, but where is the greenery? There is nothing here to cool our eyes. There is no leafy tree for our children to climb and feel the amazing texture of bark. There are no flowers for young girls to pick and tuck behind their ears. There are no worms for young boys to dig up and explore. There is only sand, sand, sand, and asphalt. These companies that own these properties make billions and billions of dollars a year and they can't even put in a few trees and flowers!?!?!

Sure this is the price many must pay for city life. You get to be close to a Metro, Malls, Money-opportunities...all those "good" things that begin with M. But what is it doing to our children? I grew up for a few years in a poor neighborhood just off the ghettos of South Tucson. There were trailers and poor people galore, but AT LEAST THEY HAD TREES AND FLOWERS!!!! My best friend had an awesome climbing tree in her own yard! Man the joy we had on that! I'd wander the neighborhood collecting flowers and plants I liked. Sometimes I'd get told off in Spanish but it was worth the price. I helped my parents take care of our little garden. Enjoyed running my feet through the grass. With such richness to explore what does a child care about poverty? What do my children have? Sand, lots of it. They have become excellent diggers. If I let them bring water they can make mud and build things.

Sure there are parks in Dubai. But for many families these aren't feasible to reach. Especially daily as kids need to get out and get rid of built up energy. It takes a long walk across aforementioned sand with the lone tree to reach the buses to take you to the park or you have to pay an arm at least to take a taxi. If you want to take the free shuttle to Mall of Emirates you cannot bring bulky items that you will be forced to haul around like scooters and such. Trying coordinate times to catch the next shuttle back home without missing the last one or having to sit for an hour or more with two fidgety kids is a tricky feat.

I want more for my kids. I want them to have their own space full of greenery. I want this for all the other kids suffering here forced to play with asphalt and dirt. Maybe we are better off then most but even many impoverished people have trees around them. When I get a job I was planning to save up and buy a lot of plants to put on our balcony and make it our own private garden. But when they go downstairs to play there will still be roads and dirt.

Sometimes the life of a farmer or nomad or anyone who gets to live off very close to the wildreness pulls at my heart. I'd love for my kids (me too) to be able to frolic through a forest searching for mystery around every tree. Jumping over a creek or climbing on rocky slopes. Feeling fresh and natural. Like life was supposed to be lived. Allah created plants for our use and for us to recognise His Greatness in the creation of Beautiful things. That is one of His Names: Al-Musawwir, the Shaper of Beauty. One of my favorite Names.
We weren't meant to be contained in a concrete jungle like we live in a zoo. Everything artificial and dull.
How do you gain such a life? How do you find means to live?


Where on this whole earth would you want to live if you could go anywhere for free and live there? What's your dream?

4:38 AM

The Balance

Wrote: American Muslima Writer |

Family first has always been my motto.
If you are having children then you should be ensuring they get the best care possible.  The care that matters because it comes from YOU. Leaving children for a Nanny or Governess or DayCare to deal with while you go wax your legs or shop til you drop (for non-essential things) seems like cruelty to me. I'm not talking the parents that do this once in a while to relax a bit but the ones that chronically do this.
Another alternative to this is parents who work when they don't really have to. They spend gobs of time away from their children and family and in the end is the money they are bringing home going to fill the void the child might be feeling? Of course I'm not talking about parents who need to work to put the Halal-Turkey-Bacon on the table, but those who work because that is what they are programed to do by society no matter the end result it has on family.
There are Sooooo many factors though to this all and it's hard to make open faced judgements like these because everyone's situation is so unique. I see too many families split across the globe. Philipina mothers slaving away as maids or sales clerks with their 2-5 kids back at home with grandma. They need to work, they have mouths to feed. Yet some of them work for sheer ambition... it's hard to draw the line.
I see wealthy Arab mothers flitting from one store to the next in a large group of women, maids and babies training behind them. I have seen children literally left in carts with AND WITHOUT nannies in the middle of the Mall while the mother pops into a store for a good ten minutes.  The child without the Nanny kept staring around her looking so lost and forlorn, sitting dolefully in the shopping cart stuffed with bags as if she were no more than an inanimate object herself. I stared in horror thinking sure NOW the mother would turn around and go back to her child...okay and NOW she would?...and Now?...I guess that shoe sale was just so irresistible to wipe the memory of your child from your mind!  Finally after ten minutes or so she stuck her head out of the shop and waved the maid who had followed her into the shop to bring the shopping cart so she could place the new bags into it.  They walked onto the next shop. I stopped watching lest I vomit or commit murder.
What and where is the Balance to this?
The lines are so blurry it's hard to find which is right or wrong.
How much time Should you be devoting to your family/children?
How much time Should you allot for necessary work?
How much time Should you allot for personal improvement/relax time?

As a non-working mother I was finding it hard to separate my personal time from my family time. If I spent too much time on one thing I became cranky that I was over burdened and never saw the light of day. The whip was cracking 24/7 and there was never enough time to finish everything.
My creativity was dying and manifesting itself into other ways...like mass organizing...re-decorating.... etc...
For a long time I put off writing my novels all together, sure and 100% certain family was more important and my novels could wait.  Yes they did wait. But I found myself writing inane stuff like in depth shopping lists for food. Finally I began this blog, I had to release my stress and somehow get my words back out. I had used LiveJournal and MySpace to vent and keep up with friends but it puttered out and I wanted MORE.
As I posted and posted I began to realize my time was importantt and I needed to allot myself time for my creativity and making more friends.  So I did, and my family life suffered a bit more. Things got less clean, meals got less tasty, children got less quality time.  And the guilt would start again.
I'm being selfish using time I could have spent with my kids.
Then on top of this began my working career, with publishing projects that took up huge chunks of time, and then getting my job. Now everything seems to be hanging precariously by strings.  No one item seems to be getting enough of the time it deserves.... especially my kids.  And it cuts me to the bone.
I love my family and it will always be number one. That is how Allah created me and that is what I've learned from living a difficult life. Every time I see my kids playing by themselves I think why am I not with them? Memories always come to me of times when adults didn't have time to be with me, and that is all I wanted, more attention, more time.  I told myself I'd be different, I'd sacrifice EVERYTHING, to make sure they got that extra attention.  And for years I did. I refused to work unless it was absolutely necessary. I put aside my dreams and aspirations (or at least toiled on them when the kids slept). We lived mostly in scraping-by-poverty. But it was worth it, watching the bond grow between me and my kids.
It stopped being worth it when I was self destructing mentally, emotionally, maritally, and physically.
It stopped being worth it when my kids wanted more to eat and there was nothing else.
I don't regret those years, but now as things are changing there had to be a new balance.
I know I need free relax time
I know I need creative time
that keeps me sane.
I know I need time with my husband separate from the kids
that keeps us stronger.
I know I need time with my kids
that makes them stronger.
I know I need time for work/society
that makes us able to live.
I know I need time for family and friends
that makes us connected.
Above All else, I need time for Allah.

But it needs to be Balanced.
Crazy rushing from one areas to the next or bypassing some areas completely leads to burnout.


The amount of work I'm doing sometimes feels worth it when I'm helping people out in the world.  Other times when I get home to find my kids asleep and only get a few hours with them in the morning it feels like utter HELL. But then when they are sleeping peacefully in their beds and I have some alone time or creative time it's refreshing. When I get that paycheck it feels good to have helped out my family and be able to take the kids out for a special treat.  But I worry and feel guilty that the special treat is a bribe for taking away their quality time with me. I love the extra time I get on the metro to write my novels or read books, but it's transport time away from my family. I adore teaching my kids and have placed the responsibility of their education on my shoulders, yet if the day gets scrambled and there is no time for that, the guilt falls to me.

It's all a giant balancing act.  Everyday there seems to not be enough time. Everyday something new happens to tip the time scales. Routines get disrupted or slightly unbalanced and the whole system must begin again.
I've wrote two long posts this week and sacrificed my Nano Novel.
I've spent yesterday recuperating my mind and heart and contributing to society and sacrificed my Nano Novel and my family.
Today I spent really quality time with my family but sacrificed my work.
Now I will sacrifice my sleep (and thus tip the scales awry for the next 12 hours) to catch up my Nano Novel.
Without my Nano Novel I'd be fluttering aimlessly creativly which would make me go mental.



It may seem madness, but this is my Balance Beam.  I'm glad I was in gymnastics so I wont fall off, but I was never in the circus to learn juggling.

12:49 PM

Back on the Clock

Wrote: American Muslima Writer |

It's been a crazy time in my life the past few months.  My husband has been out of work and money has always been tight but more so these last few months. You all know what a firm position I take on staying home with my kids and dealing with household tasks and Homeschooling my two kids.
Now things are flipped around and I got a job.

Alhamdulillah it's part time for now so I still have time for my kids when I get home.
But gosh how it's been tormenting me having to give up staying at home. I've been just unable to think about it for long without getting upset so I have just zoned out on writing one of my stories every spare second I get in the day to cope with not having to think about it.  It's much easier to deal with plot lines and character's issues than my own. I'm getting a lot written but still the day has come and in an hour I'm off to work.
I have many posts to make about the adventure I had getting a job but that will wait for another day.

My business suit is ironed, my pumps dusted (it's a country filled with sand, shoes always need dusting), and my new notepad and pens ready.
My husband will watch the kids for my six hour shifts until he gets a job, where then we will try to figure out another solution like a Nanny or DayCare without schooling involved. I'll have to fit in the homeschooling on my days off or after work.
It's a big change for our family and it's not without it's Price but I try to see life as an adventure and this is something new for sure. I'll just take it one day at a time.
At least with all this worry I may finish this novel :D
Where am I working? Well that will come in another post :D  I'll keep you updated!

12:44 PM

Attempted Kidnapping at Al-Ain Mall, UAE

Wrote: American Muslima Writer |

Mid-afternoon my phone rings and I see my friend's name pop up and look forward to a plesent convo about our lives when her words chill me to the bone.

"My kids were nearly kidnapped just now, at Al-Ain Mall."

She was upstairs (those that know AL-Ain and the mall here can easily visualize this) in Mega Mart the local Mega Grocery Store.  At the front there is a large TV display set up to attract kids into dragging their parents in to see the cartoons they always put there.  Those parents then start wandering the electronics of washing machines, TVs, DVDs, Stove, Fridges, etc...
So my friend's 3 kids pause to watch the cartoon and their mother casually browses the washing machines near-by still within sight distance.  After a short while she notices this man glancing furtivly at her kids and then the escalator (leading to the mall exit).  He continued to mill at the entrance of Mega Mart near her kids.  My friend said her Mommy Radar went off and she rushed over to her kids and the man saw her and ran oof towards the escalator.  She pursued him but he was very fast.  Shaken she took her kids home and called me up.

"It can happen in a split second.  Keep your kids right next to you and never out of your sight."
She warned me and I totally agreed. Later she called security at the Mall and they caught the whole thing on video and freeze-framed the man's face so his picture is now in all Security stations in the Mall.  Insha'Allah he wont be able to strike again.

I often go to Al-Ain Mall since it is 10-15 minutes walking distance from my house to just window shop and get my kids to let off steam.  I make sure they are not only in sight distance but grabbing distance, meaning if I need to get to them I can make a short fast run and be by their side to help them in an instant.  I know the evils of pedophiles and their tactics.  My goal in my children's life is to ensure they never get harmed by one.  My kids are obvious tragets with their curly blonde hair and blue eyes which are highly desired in these Arab countries.  But these pedophiles will attack any child that is grabable.  Do you know how mnay times I've been harassed by security asking if these are my children because some children with their descriptions have been lost or have dissapeared.  It gives me chills.

  Let us not forget what happened to poor Musa, a 5 year old boy who was brutally raped and murdered by an Emirati man IN E'ID MUSALLAH!!!  I was sick all day I heard about that.  May Allah help his family recover.

I have heard true account stories from people who will remain unnaimed, about local Emirati children getting raped repeatedly and harmed repeatedly by drivers and maids who want to get even or to antagonize their Employer.  NEVER EVER LEAVE YOUR CHILD WITH ANYONE YOU DO NOT TRUST WITH THEIR LIFE.

  Sad to say that even family members can harm your child.  Everyone knows stories of "Uncle Georgie" getting fresh with his niece. "Grandpa Joe" having a little snuggle under a blanket etc.....
absolutly sickening.  SO be vary careful who you let spend time alone with your child.

You think the Catholic Priests molesting young boys is sick and think "well they are Catholic, we are Muslim it wont happen to my boy off learning his Qur'an every morning at the Sheikh's house."
WRONG!
I know factual happeneings of exactly that happeneing.  It has been covered up over and over again of Sheikh's (meaning scholorly and knowledgable not just royalty) molesting or raping the boys they teach Qur'an to.  Go with your child to their class.  If you can not manage this then at least LEARN TO TALK WITH YOUR CHILDREN about these kind of dangers!!!!  Let them be prepared! Tell them what to do if there is an emergency.

But first and formost Parents BE AWARE AT ALL TIMES.
May Allah have Mercy on You and Your Children

7:02 AM

Confession: My Drug Addiction

Wrote: American Muslima Writer |

I am out of my mind with depression and misery and anxiety, waiting for that next hit. Trying to hold it off as long as possible. Yearning for that mad rush every time I take a bit. "I'm not a heavy user" I claim, yet there I go sneaking hits here and there. Sometimes I've gone a few days to a week without it... was I miserable? You betcha. Does my family realize the extent I go to get my drugs? Not at all. I hide it in different forms. I sneak it into the house under false pretenses. Sometime I even get my rush outside the house. Taking the kids out somewhere and I know they wont notice my purchase. They love their mother's sudden rush of energy and excitement.

I've been hooked on this drug for a long time and this past few weeks I've really had to come to terms with what it does to my body and mind. But naturally the more I realize what is wrong with me the more I crave my drug to ease the pain of stupidity. "Oh I'm a druggie eh? Well that's depressing, I need another hit."

But having found out my weakness has lead me at the same time to a solution to fixing it. It's sure as hell not gonna be easy. After all this drug is EVERYWHERE!!!! SERIOUSLY! You have to spend MORE time and money to AVOID it than it takes just to get it.

It's so common these days that they wrap it up in fancy packages and you can even have it served to you like royalty. Ahhhh, just typing about it is making me want some more NOW!

I'm sure you are wondering what is this drug I'm desperate to get everyday at least seven times a day. I will tell you. I don't fear Police Reprisal for my Confession but I do fear your mocking laughter. Promise me right now you're not gonna laugh at me. This is not some joke or prank I am pulling.

I am seriously addicted and you just might be surprised to know you might also be too......



I am addicted to Sugar. I have a sugar sensitivity to where my body craves it as deeply as any narcotic drug. If I don't get it I have wretched withdrawal symptoms. When I get a hit, I get a sugar high Ecstasy users would dream of. And I found out recently just how much it is ruining my life. Every time I get a bit of sugar my body becomes accustomed to the effects requiring me to need more and more over time until now it's come to the point large doses don't affect me and I have to seek out more high sugar content. A spoonful of pure Brown Sugar, or Honey, or sneaking in a juicy oozy Extra Large Kit Kat Bar with dribbly caramel. I save the KitKat for days when I'm super low. Or when I've saved up enough for my habit a large Iced Coffee with Mint Chocolate flavor with whip cream and caramel on top with a rich super chocolate cake. Arg, I'm drooling on my keyboard now and wishing I had the money to pop up to the Mall...

But there is hope for me and for you too if you are sugar sensitive and call yourself a "Sugar Addict" or "Chocoholic". My friend lent me the book "Potatoes NOT Prozac" and BOY OH BOY! did it open my eyes! This is one book recently I've been reading to battle my depression and to help overcome my mental meltdown I had a few weeks back. We'll discuss the other books I read and things I implemented later lets get back to the Potaters. So I reluctantly and dutifully copied all the info I'd need from the book into my own Food Journal. I've been lazy as all get out to do it properly everyday. But slowly I'm trying to ease the sugars down and be more aware of my body's responses to it. It has been helping.

Along with the other books I've been reading I feel more peaceful and better about life now alhamdulillah. Things are definitely turning around and all is not lost or hopeless. I appreciate your comments and concerns in the last post, it really helped me to know there are so many caring poeple out there.

5:20 PM

Hijabi Hair: Going under THERE...

Wrote: American Muslima Writer |

Those who don't wear hijab, those that are men and wonder, and those who do wear it and can sympathise, here is a post for you. What is going on with women's Hair under the hijab?
I have been wearing hijab for 8 years now alhamdulillah and have been in many kinds of places of differing weather conditions.
Before I start though remember this disclaimer:
I have different hair than many women, I have limited funds to do nice stuff with my hair at a Salon, I am personally against myself going to a Salon for something I CAN do in my house (again, I'm not against others going to Salons, just myself, yes I have ISSUES)but I will go for something I CANT do, and as I have children my needs may not reflect many other women.
*sigh* ok glad I got that part off my chest.

Now I have been super bored out of my mind for ages now with my hair.
I have done coloring, perms, crazy cuts over the years but nothing catches my interest for very long and it all begins and ends with one very important thing. The hijab AKA Veil of Modesty.
Disclaimer #2: I love my hijab, never will take it off, and my rant on hair has nothing to do with my belief that hijab is Fard, and is beneficial for all Women, Muslim or not.

Lets be honest: it totally messes up your hair! Lets start with the basics eh? When placing your hijab on you MUST do something with your hair. You have two options: up or down.

Let's go with down first. Either you leave it hanging down your back or you braid/plait it and let it hang. Depending on the length of your hijab and your hair either it can remain outside your abaya or under it. If the weather is HOT it will stick to your neck and back and create a rivulet of sweat trailing from your hair line down your spine to your bottom. If the weather is cold it might feel nice and keep your neck warm. Either way though when you take off your hijab it will be a frizzy mess unless you use a hair product against frizz. Along with helmets and hats, the hijab too will cause your hair to do amazing things that will most likely NOT flatter your features. Future spouses of hijabis be warned, give her a few minutes to make it look nice okay. Don't think this glamorous wave of hair will tumble down for you to run your hands through.....you'll catch your fingers in lots of knots and create more tangles.

So if you want to prevent tangles there is the other option of putting it up.
Now here is a great debate on how to put it up. You can use a claw clip to flip it up off your neck. You can braid it and fix it up somehow with clips or ties. Or you can do as most women do since the beginning of the Human Race, pull it up in a bun. Buns though come in dozens of styles. Some do a simple one, some to a wavy one, some do a floppy one. Some use special clips or ties, some even use flowers or clips that give the hijab a bump or puffy look in the back. For an explanation fatwa and discussion on the bump I refer you to Aalia's Chasing Jannah.

As this is my personal rant though I will tell you my personal style. I collect my hair back as if I'm making a pony tail then begin to spin it around tightly clockwise until I have a thin line of twisted hair then it naturally twists on itself and I wrap that twist around its self clockwise until I have a a swirly bun. I then secure it with a single medium sized scrunchy directly on the back of my head. Not on the nape of my neck and not up higher on the crown area. This keeps the hijab material away from my neck and doesn't look silly or make me hot.

The thing about me though is I wear my hair pretty much 24/7 like this. I have two young kids and the thought of them pulling my hair is enough to make me want to rip my hair out. ;) So I HAVE to keep it up. My hair being pulled or my hijab being tugged on is like nails on a chalkboard to me. So I always feel like a cliche librarian. Very dowdy and boring.

Even though the style is HARAM and I HATE it, you have to admit these Emirati girls with their bangs hanging out of their hijabs have interesting hair even when it is piled up in a bun or clip. So many different style you can do with bangs. Even when your hair is up 24/7 like mine you still got hair flipping about your face looking awesome and fashionable. I was determined to have bangs. So I informed my husband and he had his reservations about the idea of me chopping up my hair (again). I carefully combed my front hair around in different ways until I figured a style I wanted. *Snip Snip* Voila now I have bangs. YAY! Now yes, even with my hair severely tied back out of my way, I too can look fab.

Or so I thought until I left to the Mall last night and tried to squish them back into place under my hijab. Let me tell you about my hijab first. I wear an under cap of cotton that keeps my hair from slipping out and in hot weather soaks up any sweat that dares try to drip down my neck. Gross detail but true. Over that I wear a variety of regular hijab that cover properly. Well last night my bangs were refusing to be pushed back and kept trying to peep out and check out the world. I had to continuously push them back into place but they were sticking up funny under the hijab material and itching like crazy. I was miserable. I had to escape to the bathroom finally with my kids in tow to fix it all. I flattened them straight to the sides with a good quantity of water before tugging my cap back on and adding the top hijab. Seemed to work better.

When I fianlly got back home though, you guessed it I took my hijab off and it stood up on end like Edward Scissorhands was my stylist. I quickly scraped it down with my fingers until it looked decent. But I sighed frustrated. I wish I had glam hair like other sisters I see in their homes. Somehow, even though they have to stuff it up under hijab they still manage to look fab at home. I look like a cliche librarian with fab bangs, therefore I must have moved up the scale to McDonalds worker. You know how they look, buns and bangs....with a nifty McD's Visor.

So I come to you all for suggestions. How can you make your hair fab yet manageable even though you wear hijab? And not have it down for kids to grab and mangle. Is there a better, more glam , more fun way to put my hair up under the hijab and still let it be awesome when i take hijab off?

Do you have a trick or are you bored out of your mind too?

Some days I'd love to do what many women do and just get a pixie cut or cut it shorter then shoulder length. But I've had those styles before and they didn't ward off the boredom they were just easier to manage. I like my hair length and I want to keep it but I just want it to look awesome for once in my life. The only time I liked it was when i went to a wedding and had it perfect but then I had to wear a special protection around my hair so the hijab wouldn't mess it up and it made it look silly.

So again to clarify I want a look that does well without hijab on in the house, and a look for under the hijab so when I take it off it doesn't look aweful. Any ideas? Any bad hair stories? Any hair rants?

Here's 10 honest things you never knew about me...
Tagged by Minty from blog Married1234/Polygamy is it then?







1. I always knew I'd marry someone from the Mediterranean Sea area. I used to figure Spaniard or Italian man, heck even Greek, never figured I'd marry a Lebanese, but so glad I did.


2. I dream of seeing some part of the Arctic Sea from a European Country/Canada/Alaska/Greenland.




3. My heart is nomadic. I could totally live the gypsy/bedouin/sailor/world traveller's life. In fact I vote it should be an International Right that as we only have one life on this world we should be allowed to see it all. This is my ultimate dream in this life.



4. I want to be as famous an Author as J.K. Rowling and Danielle Steele. I wanna be on the front of a publication saying "Follow your dreams, they do come true."




5. I see myself as a person of many talents like a Renaissance Man, I try my hand at everything and see what pops up as roses and what pops up as weeds. If you're afraid to plant the seed or get your hands dirty you'll never find out what you can become.




6. I hate it when mothers say their children are boring to be with. I find it fascinating that every second they are learning something new that will effect their lives. That said, is it TRYING on the nerves to read Goodnight Moon for the 400th time in a row going on 237 days now.... or singing Wheels on the Bus repetitively with the same enthusiasm on the 400th song as you had on the 1st........ hehehe.... but worth it in the end when they finally say Goodnight or show the action for the Granny knitting on the bus....

7. I used to use barney targets at the shooting range with my family. Now you can hear me nearly daily saying "Hey Kids, Look Barney's on!!! YAY!!!!" So shooting Barney in the future will be a Crime Punishable by Death. The panel of Judges will be my children....
Presenting the Honorable Judge Mustapha-Lawrence


8. Johnny Depp is my favorite actor EVER. Seriously, not as in a crush. He's Brilliant! He's not afraid to be different where the world seems to seek "type casts" He always does the unusual and excels. No one will ever think of Pirates the same way without thinking of his role as the quirky Jack Sparrow. And you all KNOW how much I love Pirates... BUT..... My favorite role of his was that of Author James Barry in Finding Neverland..... which leads to the next ......



9. I HAVE a Neverland. I go there often. No one has ever joined me.... I doubt they ever will...









10. I love Masks. I think they are classically beautiful and there are nearly endless variations.
*11 BONUS: I have 160 e-mails waiting in my inbox waiting to be added to my All Muslimah Blog Directory.... the guilt eats away at me every day.... I promise I'm getting to you...


That is me

I tag:
Aalia
Pixie
Safiyyah
Hebayeb
and...
muahahaha
ALL the Bloggers from ALL MUSLIMAH BLOG DIRECTORY....
(*ahem* and those waiting to be added to the list....)

2:30 AM

Erasing Time

Wrote: American Muslima Writer |


Have you ever wished time did not exist?

Have you ever felt there were just not enough hours in the day?

Me too. I think I'm in the middle of a quarter-century life crisis. My previous "Bad Mother Award" Post was just the tip of the iceberg. There is sooo much more. And it all has to do with time.


I've heard about some people having mental breakdowns. I'm not sure what that entails but I sure do feel I've had one everyday this week. I feel I have 50 million projects on my head and they all need to be done simultaneously and thus they all get half-done. Everything in my life only gets half my attention. I have no more time to give it except for that. Thus my mental breakdowns. I'm sick of everything being halves and not wholes. I just can't handle it anymore.

The problem starts with what I perceive to be an, immodestly put, Brilliant Idea. I MUST do this Brilliant Idea NOW! Thus I push everything else back to the waiting shelf while I tinker on it. But that darn shelf is sooo overloaded already with shelved things and people that things start popping off and bonking me on the head forcing me to deal with them and interrupting my present tinkering. Well today as I threw cooking stuffed tomatoes and bell peppers onto the shelf while taking down the vacuum cleaner, because Hubby popped off the shelf bonking me on the head to remind me to do it, the whole freaking shelf gave a mighty groan and broke to smithereens. And let me tell you, the crap that came rolling off that shelf was not a pretty picture. Now I am chin-high in all the ideas I've ever had for my life and no where to put them.

Are you with me now on the level of my mental breakdown?
I spent the day lolling around not knowing what to do with myself. Every time I looked around at the pile I'd pick up something interesting and turn it around in the gleam of my eye but then with everything piled around it it no longer seemed to hold it's appeal. My kids of course having their own labeled stairs and slide up and down that shelf could tell it was broken and were happy to run amok no longer having to be told to wait a moment while Mommy does this or that. So they ran amok throwing my shelved items hither and thither. My friend here in Al-Ain called in the middle of this shelf collapse. Wanted to know if I wanted to meet her at al-Ain Mall. I looked around at my invisible mess, my physical mess the kids made, and the fact that it would take us a half an hour to get there and told her the truth about the time. She said by that time she would have left the mall so there was no point to bother for now. *sigh* ahh...alhamdulillah said my mind as I hung up. It would have been awkward anyways with me so messed up mentally to make good conversation. I don't think I would have withstood the pressure of acting normal. I would have broke down crying in the middle of BabyShop's Super Sale bemoaning my broken shelf for all and sundry to hear. Yeah soooo glad I was able to keep it in the house.
I messaged my husband a few times about the state of my mind: not good. In the evening he finally called me and offered to take us out for dinner since it was an emergency day.

Mentally for me this was like I just went shopping for new shelf supplies, stronger brackets, bigger screws, a power drill, a slab of steel for the shelf instead of wood. I now had the tools.

So Hubby surprised me with taking us to Pizza Hut. Better yet was when my son fell asleep for the entire meal! Those of you with kids, yes I hear your hisses of envy. Daughter contented herself with discovering the joys of the Parmesan Cheese shaker and trying to copy her father's eating habits. Which left Hubby and I to start building my shelf. Deciding what should go back on the shelf and what should be tossed in the trash, what needed to be organized into boxes and put to sit, and which priorities should be on the actual to-do list. I guess it was almost like a Spring Cleaning of my life.

I have to focus first and foremost on Islam. Because first I am a Muslim, plain and simple.

Next I am myself. I have to take care of myself as in clothes, showers, grooming, weight, etc...

Third and Fourth tie as I am a Wife and Mother. I have to do what wifely things need to be done like the ever difficult for me cleaning and cooking etc... and for the children the Homeschooling and playing and giving love etc...

Now Fifth and so on are where it became hard to make decisions and I felt like that power drill just wasn't gonna be able to fix my shelf after all.
Who am I?
What am I?
A writer?
A designer?
A landscaper?
A blogger?
A business CEO?
An Artist?
Which ones goes to #5?
WHICH ONE!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!
AAARRRGGGGGGGG!!!!!!
The choices!

I talked about each subject with my Husband and even asked my daughter's input. I got a few leads but will have to continue this on another post....

For now I will just say the shelf is THERE again, waiting......

9:50 AM

The Morning Glow

Wrote: American Muslima Writer |


My kids took a long nap in the evening and woke up around 9pm refreshed and ready to rock, stayed up all night playing to the max. After Fajr, Hubby stayed awake and decided to take me and the kids for a ride to do an errand, since we were all awake. As we went outside the cool air hit my face full of morning mists. It felt incredibly refreshing and beautiful. I had forgotten what mornings felt like. With my kid's unpredictable sleeping schedules I rarely get to see a morning and I rarely get outside during the day hours. So this morning freshness took me absolutely by surprise. It gave me that amazing feeling that I was preparing to go on a journey of some length like to an airport for 6 days of traveling and flight catching kinda feel. Exhilarating!!! All around me I was absolutely shocked by the amount of people up and about. I do admit it made me feel worthless and lazy that I was not like them but then again they don't have MY kids... People dressed for business heading out everywhere. Truck drivers out on morning deliveries ready to re-stock stores. We reached our place of errand and did what we had to do but I was sitting there admiring the morning the whole time. It was amazing that early glow gives you such energy. Just before we left the kids were getting cranky and dragging and we thought they would fall asleep in the car hence why we wanted them to go for a ride. But that morning glow revved them up too! As we drove around and headed back home the kids and I were still terribly alert. I watched out the window almost non-stop seeing all the different people awake. We were mainly in the Industrial area of Sanaiyya, Al-Ain so mostly we saw Pakistani-Asian-Indian workers. Many were just squatting by the side of the road waiting for something.
How do they sit like that anyways? They look so comfortable! I'd just sit on the ground cross legged. We finally reached home and we made the kids sandwiches. Back in the darker interior of my house time caught up to me, the surreal beauty of the morning had faded to day and with it my sleepiness returned. Sadly though my children were still fired up and now had nourishment in their bellies. They didn't fall asleep until 9am and that was with some strong orders they they get in bed and STAY THERE! Finally FINALLY they slept! And OH HOW THEY SLEPT! Not even a toss nor a turn. I fell asleep around 10am just to make sure they didn't re-awaken. It was a beautiful morning though and It really made me pray that one day their schedules will normalize and I can get to take them out early in the mornings for some fun. I really felt like I wanted to run for miles straight into the sunrise. I recalled hearing how blessed this time of day was. How the angels were most active during this time of day. Makes sense because how many times do we succumb to Shaytan's Laziness to sleep in and waste a perfectly good morning. Yet when one does wake up early they get like a thousand more things done than normal. Subhan'Allah.
***
And to add for those curious when my Hubby got home and woke me at 2pm I couldn't bear to wake the kids after they only had 5 hours of sleep (though I only had 4) and let them linger on til 4pm. Then woke them and they were still groggy but I couldn't let them sleep a full 10-12 hours since that would end us back at square one of them waking at 9pm. Both were cranky all day which explains my previous depressed post and I got my son to go back to sleep from 6-9pm. We then went to bed last night at 1am after a movie and popcorn to soften them up to sleep. I woke up today about 9:30am. I think I'll wake them at 10:30am see if they are receptive...
I do wish though we could all wake at sunrise and go to the park to play for the mornings.
....If wishes were fishes.....

9:00 PM

Bad Mother Award

Wrote: American Muslima Writer |


"You're the best mommy in the world." says my daughter as I help her down from standing on the desk holding her toy box for her so she wont drop it. As her toes reach carpet I release her and wish I were so badly the best mommy in the world.
I recieved the Best Mom of the Year Award from two wonderful bloggers but everytime I go to post about it I shake my head and feel like a hypocrite. How can I accept such an award when I know I don't deserve it?
There are times my kids want to play with me and I don't.
There are times when they want me to make them the best snack in the world and I don't.
There are times when they ...*sigh* I can't even go into it all I really can't... I'm so miserably depressed lately when I think about my mothering skills.

I love them absolutly to death and would do anything for them but the real definition of love is what you do for them daily, hourly, even every minute. It's there I feel I'm failing. There is so much I want to do with them. There is so much I want to say. I want to be free to just deal with life in my own unique way but I can't. So everything gets jummbled together and nothing gets done to my satisfaction. There are people above me to answer to. My whole life I've longed for freedom of restrictions of obeying others. I love my parents dearly but they know as well as I that I wasn't meant to live under someone's roof. I was meant to live under my own. I have weird and strange ways to go about doing what needs to be done and sometimes it's the rest of the world that gets in my way.

I love my husband and my kids and everyone in my life I honestly do and I understand the roles we are all assigned but deep inside sometimes I wish I was at the top of the ladder dictating my life..... I really can't go on much more right now, I'm very upset. Don't even know why I put this on AMW instead of my private Ivory Rouge but perhaps to let all you wonderful poeple out there see life is not always peachy and why I haven't blogged about the "Best Mom of the Year Award".

10:22 AM

IWA Poetry contest -a snippet of my poem...

Wrote: American Muslima Writer |

Yesterday I finally got a few minutes to myself in the early morning and was staring at my big book of poems and then started to read it to get the meter in my head again. (Do you writers do that too have to read a book to remember how to write? LOL) So after reading I got my little memo pad and fav pen and began writing...and scratching off a lot... and finally got myself a new poem. I'm not gonna post the entire thing right now but just a small stanza:

...So my fellow Poets,
Hold your pens still.
And be vary wary,
Of the ink they spill.

To Allah, Reverance, is due,
So dot your prose with dew.
Let it not be said,
At Him, you threw your shoe.
.....

But the last two lines I had a small debate Islamically about the wording with my husband. I had written "Created perfectly by Him, The Criterion." My husband said that No it's not created and there was a big debate on this issue with scholars. I said well isn't everything created by Allah, he said YES BUT... the Qur'an is also called the Speech of Allah and a part of Allah is not Created as Allah is not Created. So therefore you cannot say that it was created technically. Very deep issues here people! So I changed it to: "Perfectly said by Him, The Criterion."

I will type it up today and insha'Allah work on the Short Story today too as I don't have much time left for writing it and editing it before Submission deadline!
_____________________________________________

Also in other news I'm trying to wean my son as of yesterday. His naptime went ok with a few tears but bedtime was crazy, he wouldn not sleep for hours and kept rolling around and crying no matter how much I rocked him. This little boy loves his milk. So I gave in and will wean him from day feedings and only if he really needs it at night. Please make du'a this will be easy for him and me.

6:36 PM

Bruised Knees

Wrote: American Muslima Writer |

Many times I have received injury to myself to save my children from harm. It's all part of being a mother. But the recent bruises were worse than usual. I was washing all the pillows for the beds and the bathroom floor was getting soapy and slippery so when my son came whining at my legs in bare feet I worried for his safety. "Oh no you don't, You're gonna fall!" I said picking him up from under his arms with his back against my tummy and his feet a few inches off the ground as I carried him from the room. Right as I was turning to set him on the carpet my slippery feet slid out from under me. The edging on the door is sharp metal so i knew I had to prevent his body from contact so as I fell I pulled him against me. My right knee hit the floor first taking the most impact followed by the right side of my left knee. Then my son's 12kilos of weigh came crashing down on my wrist which smashed right into the tile floor. I let him go and he rolled off onto the carpet upset but alhamdulillah unharmed. As I cradled my knees and wrist. My husband came running and my undignified yelp of surprise and helped me to my feet. I spent the next two days holding an ice pack to them every chance I got to lay down. They started swelling and that ice felt soooo good! Now they are tender to touch and still have pretty deep bruised marks still after a week. At least I don't have to ice them now though. It's just amazing the way a mother can sacrifice her own welfare to ensure her child comes to no harm. SubhanAllah.

7:12 AM

My garden

Wrote: American Muslima Writer |

has been a peaceful place for me! My neighbor did some free labor and planted all the flower seeds he owns. The result is a big wild crazy mess of beautiful flowers. Especially sunflowers! Every week I go out with my clippers and using a newspaper to hold them I cut myself a random bouquet. I put it in my single open mouthed vase and place it in a cheerful place in my living room. Thus on the days when I don't get outside I can still see flowers. I LOVE flowers! There is no reason why someone can't have beautiful flowers in the house. It just softens and brightens up any room! Yesterday we went out playing in the garden and as I clipped the kids played with our two stray outdoor cats. They all had a blast. Then I found a weird bug and proceeded to capture it. I'll have to blog more about the bug on the Homeschooling Blog because now it's part of Rajaa's life and she's become very attached to it. I was happy to find in the middle of the night it eating the sunflower's leaves (behind the yellow petals) as I was afraid it was a bug eater and would starve and was about to free it today. Now I can keep it happily fed easily.

I also finally got some honey called Acacia Honey that is a light golden color and it's soo sweet even more so than regular honey because the acacia flowers have a beautiful fragrance! So I've been randomly spooning some full strength into Mustapha's eager mouth. It seems to be helping with the coughing but I still had to give him syrup in the night because it intensifies... ahh so much for pure home remedies... i can't stand coughing. such a wicked sound. Poor baby can't spit out the phlegm either so it's like torture hearing him cough and swallow every few minutes at night. Too much info? well welcome to my life....
I made chicken soup...with a whole chicken and potatoes and carrots and noodles..... no one barely ate it, the half pot left finally went bad.... I tried Honey and warm water in his new sippy cup but he didn't' go for it at first. I'm not sure if it was the warmness or the newness of the cup. Finally I manged him to drink some and he guzzled it but it was hardly warm then. Maybe I will try sweet lemonade today...

I was gonna try making a cake today too but with a sick boy all night I think I'm too tired to try and control them and bake again. Looks like Tuna Casserole for dinner because I'm too tired to make anything fancy and everyone will eat the tuna casserole. Thanks mom for the recipe. It was always a smash when you made it and it's always a smash here.

We've been having a bad sleeping schedule the last two nights in a row. Not going to sleep until 3-4am and then sleeping til 1pm then waking up playing then sleeping a nap at 6-8pm then Up wild til 3-4 am....ugh! Enough to make any mother miserable.
The good thing about homeschooling is though if she's gonna be up in the wee hours of the morning she's gonna be doing school projects. Or reading books as a family. So at least we get some one on one time more. The hard part is keeping them quiet so hubby can sleep in the next room. I really gotta figure out how to get them to sleep properly. It's hard enough working around hubby's work schedule but trying to make them sleep at right intervals is annoying! One day i got it the next it's whacked. The following day is adjustments and the third day is back ok....etc infinity... that's my life the last few years....

I had misplaced my homeschooling calendar this past month lol and so i was very behind schedule until I found it and realized I only planned for half a month in March and left two week window open, ah clever me. Now we are two weeks behind and have the space needed to catch up!

1:10 PM

Choose one?

Wrote: American Muslima Writer |


Think hard:
"Hypothetical Question":

There is a new law in all first world and second world countries stating you can only have one child. In the next 72 hours armed government officials will be coming to everyone's house and taking all but one of your children. Unless they were born as twins. Which must be documented.

Do you choose to be a law abiding citizen and give up your children? If so how do you choose which one to keep?

Do you choose to run from the law and take your children and family away where no government officials will find you? If so where will you go and how will you keep the gov from finding you?

Don't make fun of anyone who chooses something different that what you'd pick ok. This is open to all points of view. Let's hear them....

1:04 PM

TWINS MABROUK!!!

Wrote: American Muslima Writer |


(random photo not her babies)


My friend called me last night to tell me she gave birth to her beautiful twins!!!


A boy and a girl fraternal.


Masha'Allah!!!! I'm sooo happy for her!!!


I hope she will get lots of support from her family and friends because lets face it she's not going to get sleep for the next three years LOL!





My heart goes out to her!!!


She was sooo strong too declining pain meds. May Allah grant her great rewards for putting her children before her own needs.





ARG I wish I could fly out thre and help her right now!!! Make du'a for her family.





Love you my dearest Muslim Sister.


XOXOX

9:20 AM

A sound in the night

Wrote: American Muslima Writer |

*to the song "The Call" Song at end of Narnia2:Prince Caspian"*:
It started off with a tickle which then grew into a cough
which came off and on, into the night, as all tried to sleep.
Then that cough came more often and often,
through out the day, It comes back, just when we think it's gone.


Aww my poor son was tossing and turning all night coughing sporadically and now it's worse so I'm on germ detail looks like for this week.

Hmm my throat feels a bit scratchy too......

I found these natural remedies for cough/cold especially good for small kids who shouldn't take certain medicines and also because who wants to cram medicine down a cranky baby's throat? Not me....

Classic Chicken Soup: Noodles, Whole Chicken, Veggies ahhh... classic...
Hot Water and Honey (honey not for babies under 1)
Traditional Arab Recipe Husband taught me: Quarter a Lemon and boil all in hot water squeezing with fork or spoon every few minutes. Add honey (or brown sugar or white sugar) to sweeten. *also you can add a dash of cinnamon, it's know for it's healing properties*
Suck on a Peppermint Candy (either candy cane or little mints) make sure you know if your child wont choke on it first.
At night a dab of VapoRub (i heard there was one for Babies) on chest.
Alternativly I also read if you put VapoRub on Feet then cover it with cotton socks all night it will help. Many smells and medicines can be absorbed through the feet AllahuAkbar.
For stuffy nose use saline drops for kids/babies or spray though i find drops are less traumatising for both parents and kids.
And if all else fails a good old steamy shower. (make sure you don't burn your kid) Run hottest water for three minutes into a bath/shower. Then add cold water to feel then let baby play in water, no need for soaps, just water fun.

Know any other remedies? I'll keep you updated which ones worked the best.... as I feel I might join him soon...

5:46 PM

Crazy Nights

Wrote: American Muslima Writer |

The other night was just soo weird!

Thursday night the kids trashed the house (what I call it when they make huge messes for me to clean where you can hardly see the floor) and they took the bed half off to make a mattress slide. So inbetween watching cartoons they went mattress diving. Til 2am~! Then of course the next day Jummah Friday they were sooo sleepy. We had a lazy day cause I wasn't feeling good. That night we were supposed to go out to have some family time but Husband was tired. i was tired too beyond so. SO I just turned off all the lights int he house at 9am, forcing the kids to bed. Rajaa went down really fast but Mustapha who is used to regular bedtime at 11pm stayed up tossing and turning in the dark for 3 hours. (till 11pm.) then he fell asleep. Husband woke at 3am and so did I. So did Rajaa. ugh! So we stayed up a bit, I made oatmeal. Then we went back to sleep at 7am and woke at 8! We all got up and had some fun. Mustapha took an early nap at 11. And we all took another nap at 3:30. They are still sleeping now it's 6pm. I think tonight will be another late night arg! Wish I could get things re-shifted better. Insha'Allah!

6:05 PM

Lemon Cake: How Bitter you are.

Wrote: American Muslima Writer |



*sigh*

Probably going to go more in depth there. keep things lighter here.

4:31 PM

Lemon Cake: How Bitter you are.

Wrote: American Muslima Writer |

I decided last night to finally make a cake after a month of begging from hubby and kids. So last night while they slumbered peacefully I stayed up looking over recipes. I found a plain cake mix from scratch. Sounded easy enough. Despite the fact I've never worked with yeast -which smells bad... I saw an old favorite of mine Lemon Poppy Seed Muffins. YUMMY. But I wanted to use up some of the extra fruits I bought for Rajaa's Schooling. So I decided it will be a Lemon Poppy Seed Clementine Mango Cake. Erm and I don't have Poppy Seeds but I got some great Black Seeds. Nice substitute. So I thought.

This morning after spending way too long on the net...how do the hours fly? I got up and delt with the kids. Took the butter out of the fridge to warm. And started collecting the ingredients. It may say 6 basic ingredients but you have to deal with each one. i started off withthe nasty yeast. Then the flour and sugar, eggs, and baking powder. Then time for the flaviorings. I brought out the lemon and grated it and juiced it while Rajaa and Mustapha watched a movie. Every few minutes I'd call out warnings as they started fighting. Mo likes to turn off the TV at random and Juju was trying to play a DVD game. After the lemon i grated some clementine zest and then segmented and slices in thirds the clementine. More yelling out warnings as the screaming escalates. I'm halfway through the half mango now peeling it and chopping it into tiny slices when all war breaks out. I rush to intervien. Rajaa is screaming at the top of her lungs and trying to block Mustapha from gaining access to the TV. I tell her to stop screaming and Mo to leave the TV alone. She continues to push and fight with Mo and he pushes and hits back. I try to seperate them...but did I mention I was still holding the half mango and knife? Not an easy task. Finally to punish her for yelling I just pull the plug on the TV and declair tv time-out until she calms down. SHE FREAKS O U T . Starts a rampage. I let her blow off steam for a few minutes while I deal with the mango. Slippery &^&**%#%% things. As I lean over to put the half mango in the fridge she just runs into the kitchen and hits my back and starts trying to scratch it viciously. WTF!!!!! I grab her fast by the hand and quickly say, "No we don't do that to our mommies Rajaa. It's very rude and it hurts! You need a time-out to cool off! Now!" I have to physically hold her down to get her to sit with her feet touching the wall (as is our time out ritual) She's screaming her head off like there's no tomorrow. I ignore it and jsut go back to the kitchen to chop the mango to diced bits. Mustapha of course meanwhile is yelling and freaking out too. This stupid cake is totally not worth all the trouble. So in the middle of chopping I see her ripping my fake flower vine to bit. Whatever I think, let her vent in time-out. She keeps mouthing off trying to make me angry though saying "Look I'm destroying everything, nothing can be beautiful ever again. I'm going to break All your pretty flowers." "That's fine honey. They are your flowers anyways. You're just breaking your family flowers. Break them if you want to I don't care." I say not letting her goad me. She gets more furious and keeps shouting and of course little Mo is still running around making mischief. So as I finish the last slice and have collected all my ingredients I suddenly hear her say,

"I don't care anyways! I want a new Mommy and Daddy who aren't Rude to me! I never ever want to be here again. I want a nice Mommy who will always be nice to me and never ever Rude!"

Oh Ya Allah. She just crushed my heart. Absolutly smashed it. She could have cussed herself blue without really fazing me. But this! Ya Rabb save me from this. i put down the knife and washed my hands. i sat down on the little pink step stool in the kitchen.

"Come here Rajaa." She came all fury faced, sneering her mouth and furrowing her brow. Wild curls just adding to the deshevled look. I made her sit on my knee and Mo vied for the other one. "Why did you say that? Do you really want a new Mommy?"
"YES! I want one who wont be rude to me."
"How was I being rude?"
"Shouting at me."
"Why was I shouting?" I whisper.
"Because you're rude."
"Why was I rude?"
"Because you're yelling. you keep yelling Don't Hit Me, Don't hit Mustapha, Don't hit Baba, Don't hit Rajaa. Don't hit ANYBODY!"
"Well is it good to hit people?"
"No."
"Do you want me to tell you to hit people?"
"No."
"Then why are you mad I told you not to hit me, it hurts my feelings when you hit me."
Mo proceeds to hit me everytime anyone says the word hit, making the conversation very frustrating.
"You're yelling."
"Well I'm sorry for yelling but it's very serious to hurt someone that you love. Do you still want a new mommy?"
"Yes."
"But a new mommy will never love you as much as I love you. No one loves you like I love you."
"Everbody loves me"
"No, no one loves you so so so so so much like Mommy loves you. You think another Mommy will love you that much?"
"ummm..."
"You really hurt me Rajaa. You really make me soo sad when you say that you want a new mommy....*voice cracks and throat constricts*... i love you so much Juju and..*tears flow*..... I don't want you to go to a new...mommy.... you're the best baby girl ever and I love you too much."
"I'm a big girl though not a baby like Mustapha."
"You're right. Yes you're my favorite big girl in the whole world. Come give me a hug please cause I'm so sad." She comes and hugs me and I cry so much and stroke her wild curls til they are tamed. I'm still so heartbroken.

She sees I'm still upset and she goes and makes me a hand-drawn red heart to cheer me up. I'm still crying though so she makes three more and then thunderstorms. Then says:

"look I'm saving you from the thunderstorms cause I love you and I made you hearts cause I want to make you happy and Red is your favorite color." I smiled weakly.

"It's beautiful, see it made me smile, it did make me happy. lets put it on the fridge." So we go and put it on the fridge and then the kids go off and play and I look at my stupid miserable Lemon cake. I sigh and start pouring the ingredients together. it doesn't look right but I'm beyond caring now. I mix the batter and fill some cupcakes and then pour the rest into an oiled pan. i dab on the fruits in a design as hubby gets home. I'm still too upset to talk. Everytime I think of mentioning what she said my throat wells up, silencing me. Finally hubby gets it out of me and i tell him what she said. He is comforting telling me it's just kids mouthing off no big deal. But it was a big deal. I had been with lots of mommies growing up and I never said that to any of them. How can I teach my daughter how bad it is to her her parents?

While Hubby eats Lunch I finish putting my cake and cupcakes into the oven. I go sit down and just chill for a sec cause my headache is growing from crying and sleepyness. After ten minutes I check ont he cake. Nope still gooey. Another ten minutes just mindless zoning wondering about my worth. Finally the cake is done. I Pop it out and it looks pretty. That cheers me up. All yellow golden and doted daintily with black seeds. Very pretty. The Mango and Orange adding some pretty tropical feel. I peel off some cupcakes onto a plate and sprikle with powdered sugar.

I serve to a waiting crowd. They huddle around the plate. I pass around the forks. Hubby bites and grimaces. He was never a fan of lemon. "The black seeds don't go with sweets." He says

I explain the poppy substitution. Rajaa over hears and from that bite on refuses any with seeds. (umm they ALL HAVE SEEDS). Mo likes it at first but after two bites goes away to play. he's not to fond of the mango or oranges. leaving me with 7.5 cupcakes to finish off. I eat my first one. The kids start fighting.. i eat another.... and another as I rethink the day... man these are good cakes. Kinda bittersweet. Like my day.

Finally I coerce Rajaa and Mo to eat a few more bites and then the plate is empty. I go to the kitchen and try just one more forkful. Of the main cake which has lots of fruits. Yummy. Then I do some stuff around the house. But I have such a headache ther is no happiness behind it. Just a dull misery. Finally off Hubby goes for second shift of working and kids start their antics. I go for another cake. This really wasn't worth it at all. I made this and I'm the only one eating it. Which will mess up my scale weight later I'm sure. I try another piece to Mo to appease my guilt of eating too much cake. he wants to squish it between his fingers. I sigh and eat his piece. (mind you they are as thin as my pinky like a pizza, so not liek I'm downing a wedding cake here people). Eventaully I give up on them letting me nap today and just decide to blog this all out.

What a waste of time this cake turned out to be. I wish I hadn't made it. The only part of it I enjoy is pulling something beautiful out of the oven. thats it. I hate eating it knowing it will go to my tummy, I hate the time it takes to prepare it all since I have to ignore my hosue and kids for liek an hour. And at first i tried to let them help me but I had jsut cleaned the kitchen floor the day before and Mo was trying to spill and eat flour everywhere. No thanks. I wanted a cake not a powdered kitchen.

i was thinking to try and bake bread next time but who am I kidding with the bad moods today should I even bother with a next time? SHoudl I just scrap my baking efforts which if you LIKE Lemon Black Seed Clementine Mango Cake went well... or should I just call it a bad day and try again another?

I suppose we'll see in a few days... when i don't feel like such a bad mommy.

*goes in search of a fork...*

9:41 AM

Making a Home: The Table

Wrote: American Muslima Writer |


While making my new Home Personalized Organizing Notebook (more about that later) I was browsing link-offs. Don't you ever do that and get lost like 50 link from where you started? Anywhoo... So I reached this wonderful blog (link later) about a Christian Mother who Homeschools. At first I was looking at her examples of her Notebook. But as I clicked on and on into her blog I was struck by something. And it kinda hurt. I thought I was over those feelings but as I thought more and more about it for a good while on this early oddly foggy morning the pain turned into determination. My pain was the pain of nostalgia.

She had lovely pictures of her home. A large wooden dining table was the center of most of these shots. Sometimes there were candles sometimes kids doing work. Sometimes a book or two. This made me really long for my home. This has a two-fold meaning.

I long for my parent's home which is also my grandparents home in Tucson, AZ,USA. I was very comfortable in that house. It's a large one floor house with a LONG hallway leading to many rooms. It just had that homey feeling. The dining table is large and wooden with my paternal grandma's (who passed away) finishing touches decor on the walls. My mom revamped the Kitchen and it looks lovely and workable. But I had to think hard about why this blog made me feel such pain. It was the feeling that this is missing from my life. Why don't I feel my HOME that I live in is Homey? Do MY kids think MY house is Homey? I thought deeper about that dining table. When I sat at it at home it was just a comfortable very nice wooden table where we ate family meals, stretched it out for Thanksgivings and parties, played my favorite family games, talked over life decisions, did my aggravating math homework, and just sat staring out the window at passing hummingbirds. The point is I saw it as a whole. It was a place I used to be with my family in our Home. But when I look at MY table I'm thinking, I gotta wipe it down after each meal and sometimes I don't want to so I leave it and it is messy, then I wipe it and the nooks and crannies make it frustrating and I wish i hadn't bought this type of plastic table and i daydream about my fantasy table one day i will buy, and the table is always in my way of making the room look larger and having more room in my small house and it gets in the way of my vacuuming. You see I'm looking at the details. Perhaps this is what life is like looking at a new point of view. Before i was looking as a child. That was our table. End of story. Now I'm looking at mine through the eyes of the mother who chose it and works with it everyday. Did my Grandma and my Mom spend so much time thinking about the table's details. How they hated that middle crack and would have preferred a seamless table but couldn't save enough money so they chose this one as a second best?

For me the dining table is the middle of the Home. It is where you have the chance to best bond with your family. Families that do NOT sit down for a meal together and don't sit together for a game or two or don't do their homework or any work or crafting with the company of the other family members are loosing out on something special.

Suddenly I'm wondering if I'm doing enough to make my house HOMEY.

Maybe it's the fact that we are not settled here. My grandparents' house is a settled house. My father's mother's father bought the house. i love the fact that they dedicated it as a safe haven for all family members. No matter what the troubles of life brings, there is always a place you can call Home where you will be welcome and have a roof over your head. I didn't know that growing up though. My mom told me that on her trip here when I had my son. I knew the house had been passed down and insha'Allah will always be passed down but I didn't know it had such an awesome dedication.

My house though is a rental. It was not be passed down. It was built swiftly so the landlord can make more money by having more tenants on this property. It's dedication is money. It will not always be my home (insha'Allah). I cannot customize it to my whims. It must just serve my needs until we decide where we will go next in our lives. It's like a road stop on our journey to our real home. Insha'Allah HE has prescribed for us a final Home and not just many road stops before we die.

I want that cozy feeling when I come in and take off my hijab and throw my abaya on the coat-rack and sit down at my table. I want that you-have-all-the-time-in-the-world feeling.
In Lebanon I was very close to having that feeling. In Nai'me, I had my Mediterranean View off the Balcony. I could sit in the morning and drink my coffee with Hubby and talk about life. I could spend the day playing with my daughter.


I had a dining table I loved.


It was a foldable kind that cost 60,000L.L.($40) but the top had a dark grey/black color with gold and red stripes and was smooth and shiny. It matched my decor. And it was almost homey. I was planning on making a table cover for it. But we moved and I never got the chance.

It was a homey house though with fond memories of singing and rocking my daughter to sleep in the hallway since it was the quietest part of the house.

For a few bad moments as I was looking at this blog I wanted Home so badly and I thought why isn't Allah giving me a Home? But I know He has His plans and so I'll wait. I just hope in the meantime I'm giving my kids a Home no matter where we are. I'm determined: Even on my plastic grooved table.

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