American Muslima Writer -Daring to Work Towards Jannah

I decided last night to finally make a cake after a month of begging from hubby and kids. So last night while they slumbered peacefully I stayed up looking over recipes. I found a plain cake mix from scratch. Sounded easy enough. Despite the fact I've never worked with yeast -which smells bad... I saw an old favorite of mine Lemon Poppy Seed Muffins. YUMMY. But I wanted to use up some of the extra fruits I bought for Rajaa's Schooling. So I decided it will be a Lemon Poppy Seed Clementine Mango Cake. Erm and I don't have Poppy Seeds but I got some great Black Seeds. Nice substitute. So I thought.

This morning after spending way too long on the net...how do the hours fly? I got up and delt with the kids. Took the butter out of the fridge to warm. And started collecting the ingredients. It may say 6 basic ingredients but you have to deal with each one. i started off withthe nasty yeast. Then the flour and sugar, eggs, and baking powder. Then time for the flaviorings. I brought out the lemon and grated it and juiced it while Rajaa and Mustapha watched a movie. Every few minutes I'd call out warnings as they started fighting. Mo likes to turn off the TV at random and Juju was trying to play a DVD game. After the lemon i grated some clementine zest and then segmented and slices in thirds the clementine. More yelling out warnings as the screaming escalates. I'm halfway through the half mango now peeling it and chopping it into tiny slices when all war breaks out. I rush to intervien. Rajaa is screaming at the top of her lungs and trying to block Mustapha from gaining access to the TV. I tell her to stop screaming and Mo to leave the TV alone. She continues to push and fight with Mo and he pushes and hits back. I try to seperate them...but did I mention I was still holding the half mango and knife? Not an easy task. Finally to punish her for yelling I just pull the plug on the TV and declair tv time-out until she calms down. SHE FREAKS O U T . Starts a rampage. I let her blow off steam for a few minutes while I deal with the mango. Slippery &^&**%#%% things. As I lean over to put the half mango in the fridge she just runs into the kitchen and hits my back and starts trying to scratch it viciously. WTF!!!!! I grab her fast by the hand and quickly say, "No we don't do that to our mommies Rajaa. It's very rude and it hurts! You need a time-out to cool off! Now!" I have to physically hold her down to get her to sit with her feet touching the wall (as is our time out ritual) She's screaming her head off like there's no tomorrow. I ignore it and jsut go back to the kitchen to chop the mango to diced bits. Mustapha of course meanwhile is yelling and freaking out too. This stupid cake is totally not worth all the trouble. So in the middle of chopping I see her ripping my fake flower vine to bit. Whatever I think, let her vent in time-out. She keeps mouthing off trying to make me angry though saying "Look I'm destroying everything, nothing can be beautiful ever again. I'm going to break All your pretty flowers." "That's fine honey. They are your flowers anyways. You're just breaking your family flowers. Break them if you want to I don't care." I say not letting her goad me. She gets more furious and keeps shouting and of course little Mo is still running around making mischief. So as I finish the last slice and have collected all my ingredients I suddenly hear her say,

Oh Ya Allah. She just crushed my heart. Absolutly smashed it. She could have cussed herself blue without really fazing me. But this! Ya Rabb save me from this. i put down the knife and washed my hands. i sat down on the little pink step stool in the kitchen.

"Come here Rajaa." She came all fury faced, sneering her mouth and furrowing her brow. Wild curls just adding to the deshevled look. I made her sit on my knee and Mo vied for the other one. "Why did you say that? Do you really want a new Mommy?"

"YES! I want one who wont be rude to me."

"How was I being rude?"

"Shouting at me."

"Why was I shouting?" I whisper.

"Because you're rude."

"Why was I rude?"

"Because you're yelling. you keep yelling Don't Hit Me, Don't hit Mustapha, Don't hit Baba, Don't hit Rajaa. Don't hit ANYBODY!"

"Well is it good to hit people?"

"No."

"Do you want me to tell you to hit people?"

"No."

"Then why are you mad I told you not to hit me, it hurts my feelings when you hit me."

Mo proceeds to hit me everytime anyone says the word hit, making the conversation very frustrating.

"You're yelling."

"Well I'm sorry for yelling but it's very serious to hurt someone that you love. Do you still want a new mommy?"

"Yes."

"But a new mommy will never love you as much as I love you. No one loves you like I love you."

"Everbody loves me"

"No, no one loves you so so so so so much like Mommy loves you. You think another Mommy will love you that much?"

"ummm..."

"You really hurt me Rajaa. You really make me soo sad when you say that you want a new mommy....*voice cracks and throat constricts*... i love you so much Juju and..*tears flow*..... I don't want you to go to a new...mommy.... you're the best baby girl ever and I love you too much."

"I'm a big girl though not a baby like Mustapha."

"You're right. Yes you're my favorite big girl in the whole world. Come give me a hug please cause I'm so sad." She comes and hugs me and I cry so much and stroke her wild curls til they are tamed. I'm still so heartbroken.

She sees I'm still upset and she goes and makes me a hand-drawn red heart to cheer me up. I'm still crying though so she makes three more and then thunderstorms. Then says:

"look I'm saving you from the thunderstorms cause I love you and I made you hearts cause I want to make you happy and Red is your favorite color." I smiled weakly.

"It's beautiful, see it made me smile, it did make me happy. lets put it on the fridge." So we go and put it on the fridge and then the kids go off and play and I look at my stupid miserable Lemon cake. I sigh and start pouring the ingredients together. it doesn't look right but I'm beyond caring now. I mix the batter and fill some cupcakes and then pour the rest into an oiled pan. i dab on the fruits in a design as hubby gets home. I'm still too upset to talk. Everytime I think of mentioning what she said my throat wells up, silencing me. Finally hubby gets it out of me and i tell him what she said. He is comforting telling me it's just kids mouthing off no big deal. But it was a big deal. I had been with lots of mommies growing up and I never said that to any of them. How can I teach my daughter how bad it is to her her parents?

While Hubby eats Lunch I finish putting my cake and cupcakes into the oven. I go sit down and just chill for a sec cause my headache is growing from crying and sleepyness. After ten minutes I check ont he cake. Nope still gooey. Another ten minutes just mindless zoning wondering about my worth. Finally the cake is done. I Pop it out and it looks pretty. That cheers me up. All yellow golden and doted daintily with black seeds. Very pretty. The Mango and Orange adding some pretty tropical feel. I peel off some cupcakes onto a plate and sprikle with powdered sugar.

I serve to a waiting crowd. They huddle around the plate. I pass around the forks. Hubby bites and grimaces. He was never a fan of lemon. "The black seeds don't go with sweets." He says

I explain the poppy substitution. Rajaa over hears and from that bite on refuses any with seeds. (umm they ALL HAVE SEEDS). Mo likes it at first but after two bites goes away to play. he's not to fond of the mango or oranges. leaving me with 7.5 cupcakes to finish off. I eat my first one. The kids start fighting.. i eat another.... and another as I rethink the day... man these are good cakes. Kinda bittersweet. Like my day.

Finally I coerce Rajaa and Mo to eat a few more bites and then the plate is empty. I go to the kitchen and try just one more forkful. Of the main cake which has lots of fruits. Yummy. Then I do some stuff around the house. But I have such a headache ther is no happiness behind it. Just a dull misery. Finally off Hubby goes for second shift of working and kids start their antics. I go for another cake. This really wasn't worth it at all. I made this and I'm the only one eating it. Which will mess up my scale weight later I'm sure. I try another piece to Mo to appease my guilt of eating too much cake. he wants to squish it between his fingers. I sigh and eat his piece. (mind you they are as thin as my pinky like a pizza, so not liek I'm downing a wedding cake here people). Eventaully I give up on them letting me nap today and just decide to blog this all out.

What a waste of time this cake turned out to be. I wish I hadn't made it. The only part of it I enjoy is pulling something beautiful out of the oven. thats it. I hate eating it knowing it will go to my tummy, I hate the time it takes to prepare it all since I have to ignore my hosue and kids for liek an hour. And at first i tried to let them help me but I had jsut cleaned the kitchen floor the day before and Mo was trying to spill and eat flour everywhere. No thanks. I wanted a cake not a powdered kitchen.

i was thinking to try and bake bread next time but who am I kidding with the bad moods today should I even bother with a next time? SHoudl I just scrap my baking efforts which if you LIKE Lemon Black Seed Clementine Mango Cake went well... or should I just call it a bad day and try again another?

I suppose we'll see in a few days... when i don't feel like such a bad mommy.