American Muslima Writer -Daring to Work Towards Jannah

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Scream of Fear or Happiness, could be both.

I realized National Novel Writing Month 2010 will begin in a few weeks!!!!

I SAID....

YES!

Have you ever wished time did not exist?

Have you ever felt there were just not enough hours in the day?

Me too. I think I'm in the middle of a quarter-century life crisis. My previous "Bad Mother Award" Post was just the tip of the iceberg. There is sooo much more. And it all has to do with time.


I've heard about some people having mental breakdowns. I'm not sure what that entails but I sure do feel I've had one everyday this week. I feel I have 50 million projects on my head and they all need to be done simultaneously and thus they all get half-done. Everything in my life only gets half my attention. I have no more time to give it except for that. Thus my mental breakdowns. I'm sick of everything being halves and not wholes. I just can't handle it anymore.

The problem starts with what I perceive to be an, immodestly put, Brilliant Idea. I MUST do this Brilliant Idea NOW! Thus I push everything else back to the waiting shelf while I tinker on it. But that darn shelf is sooo overloaded already with shelved things and people that things start popping off and bonking me on the head forcing me to deal with them and interrupting my present tinkering. Well today as I threw cooking stuffed tomatoes and bell peppers onto the shelf while taking down the vacuum cleaner, because Hubby popped off the shelf bonking me on the head to remind me to do it, the whole freaking shelf gave a mighty groan and broke to smithereens. And let me tell you, the crap that came rolling off that shelf was not a pretty picture. Now I am chin-high in all the ideas I've ever had for my life and no where to put them.

Are you with me now on the level of my mental breakdown?
I spent the day lolling around not knowing what to do with myself. Every time I looked around at the pile I'd pick up something interesting and turn it around in the gleam of my eye but then with everything piled around it it no longer seemed to hold it's appeal. My kids of course having their own labeled stairs and slide up and down that shelf could tell it was broken and were happy to run amok no longer having to be told to wait a moment while Mommy does this or that. So they ran amok throwing my shelved items hither and thither. My friend here in Al-Ain called in the middle of this shelf collapse. Wanted to know if I wanted to meet her at al-Ain Mall. I looked around at my invisible mess, my physical mess the kids made, and the fact that it would take us a half an hour to get there and told her the truth about the time. She said by that time she would have left the mall so there was no point to bother for now. *sigh* ahh...alhamdulillah said my mind as I hung up. It would have been awkward anyways with me so messed up mentally to make good conversation. I don't think I would have withstood the pressure of acting normal. I would have broke down crying in the middle of BabyShop's Super Sale bemoaning my broken shelf for all and sundry to hear. Yeah soooo glad I was able to keep it in the house.
I messaged my husband a few times about the state of my mind: not good. In the evening he finally called me and offered to take us out for dinner since it was an emergency day.

Mentally for me this was like I just went shopping for new shelf supplies, stronger brackets, bigger screws, a power drill, a slab of steel for the shelf instead of wood. I now had the tools.

So Hubby surprised me with taking us to Pizza Hut. Better yet was when my son fell asleep for the entire meal! Those of you with kids, yes I hear your hisses of envy. Daughter contented herself with discovering the joys of the Parmesan Cheese shaker and trying to copy her father's eating habits. Which left Hubby and I to start building my shelf. Deciding what should go back on the shelf and what should be tossed in the trash, what needed to be organized into boxes and put to sit, and which priorities should be on the actual to-do list. I guess it was almost like a Spring Cleaning of my life.

I have to focus first and foremost on Islam. Because first I am a Muslim, plain and simple.

Next I am myself. I have to take care of myself as in clothes, showers, grooming, weight, etc...

Third and Fourth tie as I am a Wife and Mother. I have to do what wifely things need to be done like the ever difficult for me cleaning and cooking etc... and for the children the Homeschooling and playing and giving love etc...

Now Fifth and so on are where it became hard to make decisions and I felt like that power drill just wasn't gonna be able to fix my shelf after all.
Who am I?
What am I?
A writer?
A designer?
A landscaper?
A blogger?
A business CEO?
An Artist?
Which ones goes to #5?
WHICH ONE!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!
AAARRRGGGGGGGG!!!!!!
The choices!

I talked about each subject with my Husband and even asked my daughter's input. I got a few leads but will have to continue this on another post....

For now I will just say the shelf is THERE again, waiting......

Think hard:
"Hypothetical Question":

There is a new law in all first world and second world countries stating you can only have one child. In the next 72 hours armed government officials will be coming to everyone's house and taking all but one of your children. Unless they were born as twins. Which must be documented.

Do you choose to be a law abiding citizen and give up your children? If so how do you choose which one to keep?

Do you choose to run from the law and take your children and family away where no government officials will find you? If so where will you go and how will you keep the gov from finding you?

Don't make fun of anyone who chooses something different that what you'd pick ok. This is open to all points of view. Let's hear them....

Women's Silent Tears

How many tears have been shed,
because of few words said,
by voices low and deep,

how many more must weep,
withhold them, they cannot keep,
down faces very pale,

through grief; the silent wail,
battling emotions, they fail,
yet inside they harden,

though they beg for pardon,
hearts locked up by wardens,
who really has the key?

A lioness all will see,
selflessly, protects her family,
yet inside a mouse,

rocking numbly in her house,
always pining for her spouse,
those escaping little tears,

exposing all her fears,
subjecting her to jeers,
but her soul's strong,

though they do her wrong,
she'll bite her willing tongue,
bottled in her head.

Many more tears shed,
ringing her eyes with dread,
underneath they simmer,

resolving with a glimmer,
blurring smiles with a shimmer,
they fall without sound,

fresh throughout the rounds,
pacing the same ground,
so soft she was made,

but, she must stand brave,
his mercy does she crave,
Women's silent tears.

~(c) Brandy A. Chase -2009
~[do not reprint without permission]

I was laughing and chatting online with my sister-in-law H when she suddenly took me by surprise.
"So what's new in the stories?" she asked. I blanked out a moment while memories rushed to my heart.
I always share my latest pages scribbled about any of the current books I'm writing with this sister. She always listens and gets properly excited about my characters which in turns fuels my writing passion. I haven't been able to write for a very long time now. Her question brought back the hunger. The mad insatiable urge to pick up my sculpting pen and carve out a tale, a tale the likes that have never been told before. My heart wrenched with grief that my pen lay idle.
"Nothing new yet, you know, two kids and all." I weakly laugh trying to rid myself of this burning pain in my heart. I tried to describe to her how much I miss my writing and I know that she knows but does she KNOW MY HEART IS ON FIRE!?!?

Why WHY! am I forsaking my passion? WHY! Sure I have the normal excuses any woman has... 2 kids, a house that needs Arabized cleaning, a big list of to-do. But the sad reality is my writing is no longer even ON the to-do list as it used to be. I really did actually put on a calender before: "Write on *** story". Maybe I don't even know which story to write now if I even wanted to dig out my pen.
It's calling me back to it, the great Sculpting Pen of the ages. Calling me to make my mark on history. Calling me back to my passion of the written word. Calling me back to the days where I'd sit writing a poem and take at least an hour trying to find that elusive perfect word to describe an intense feeling. Calling me back tot the days when I'd manage a good six pages in my latest book while my teacher waxed on about the importance of learning American History. Calling me back to the days when I read for my friends during lunch the latest in my plots.
What agony I am in.
Why do we let our passions fall to the way-side? Why can't we let our sculptors within free? My inner passion has been chained down, tormenting my inner soul with the feelings of being lost without remembering what it was I lost. The distant call of my sister has it all rushing back, and in doing so, has fueled my life back into brilliance.
The soul is happy when following it's passion to the utmost.
I need my soul to be happy again.
It's my torment that I don't know how.
I don't know how to manage the already overwhelming task of taking care of my duties and still have time for the time-consuming task of getting my head back into the writer's mode and my heart to follow the lives of my characters. But if I don't think of a way I'll continue to feel this hollow ache in my chest where my heart is slowly withering.
The beat slows... wash the dishes... slower... vacuum the floors... slower... take out trash...
"So what's new in the stories?"... stutter... ! ... faster... a pen... faster... a blank paper... faster... a story!... Faster... MY STORY! ... BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
THAT is living !~ Feeling your heart pound blood through your body.

Have you ever had that urge?
That urge to travel far and wide and see the whole of the Earth?
Ever thought of how beautiful it must be to just be able to roll up your house every day and go forth into a new day not knowing what new things you might see or experience?
Do you ever feel your blood comes from Bedouins? Gypsies? Nomads?
Do you ever think that we only have approximately 80 years to live and only one chance to view the whole world?
Do you ever feel like these four walls weren't meant to be all you see of life?
Have you ever wanted to wander an Irish field, dip your toes in an Australian Ocean, eat an Italian grape, smell Florida orange blossoms, eat a taco in Mexico, live in an igloo in Alaska or Canada, walk the streets of London, sail the seven seas, touch the south pole, pray at Mecca, walk through a Chinese rice patty, sink your fingers deep into foreign soil and know that you exist here and now and four walls can never keep you from the world?

I'm going to post a small part of a post I put on my private blog because I feel it needs to reach wider and everyone neeeds to take the time to appreciate their children more.

*I yelled alot at my daughter today and finally she's getting sleepy after three hours of trying to get her to sleep*.........My mind is working frantically though as she starts to wear down. WHere is this coming from all this hate and anxiety towards my own daughter whom I love so much and would go to great lengths for? Obviously Shaytan is messing with my head. So I begin reading Qur'an for us both and it calms her down to sleep and me down to clearheaded. Finally she drifts off and I march here to the PC to do some major research. I've had it. I'm sick of yelling at my kids and feeling like al-Qaida surrounded by "Kuffar". (ie hot blooded). ..... I feel like crap and they feel like crap and this is all not healthy at all and it has to change NOW not tomorrow. So I'm googling things now and I will post it to both sites the links though not the full story of course. I already hear your critisim beleive me I know what a poophead I'm being. I'm the one who has to look into their hurt blue eyes and trembling lips and so I AM trying to find a way to stop this. I know it all stems from the chaos of life right now but it's such a visious cycle. Kids up all night sleep in the day eat irregularly etc,.. it all ties together but I don't know how to get it to re-adjust itself..... ugh.... ok let me get these links going:
http://www.babycenter.com/400_how-can-i-stop-yelling-at-my-toddler_500774_1000.bc
How to Stop Yelling
http://daddybrain.wordpress.com/2008/05/20/stop-yelling-daddy/
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080111132054AALB4qR

Oh my god. I really am literlly crying now because I just read this aweful poem about child abuse and it's so terrible and yet so real and true that it kils me all over again that I even shout once at my kids. Ya ALLAH, please have mercy on me and stop me from doing this horrid thing to my kids.... PLEASE!
http://www.babycenter.com/400_how-can-i-stop-yelling-at-my-toddler_500774_1000.bc?pageSize=10&startIndex=10&questionId=500774&ownerId=1000
(about fifth or six comment down on this last link I found this)
"I too yell at my littl girl. Sometimes it's so fustrating and when shes yelling and crying and whining all morning, I feel like I'm not good enough and I'm not a good mom. Then I just break and yell back at her really loudly, and sometimes I start crying after because i feel so bad.. When I yell at her she gets scared and jumps and starts really crying, I just want to die after it happens but it's already done. I want to be more calm and patient, she is only 13 months but I feel so stressed out sometimes. Today was one of the few days that i really yelled back at her and I put her down for a nap, and went and relaxed for a while. When she got up I was trying to be really patient and calm and nice to her cause I felt so terribly auful. I then came to work today and a friend of mine sent me an e-mail called Blue Ribbon Against Child Abuse and I read it, it goes like this:
my name is sarah I am but three my eyes are swollen I cannot see I must be stupid i must be bad What else could have made My daddy so mad? I wish I were better, I wish I weren't ugly, Then maybe my mommy Would still want to hug me. I can't speak at all, I can't do a wrong Or else I'm locked up All the day long. When I awake I'm all alone The house is dark, My folks aren't home. When my mommy does come, I'll try to be nice, So maybe I'll get just one whipping tonight. Don't make a sound, I just heard a car My daddy is back From charlies Bar. I hear him curse My name he calls I press myself Against the wall. I try and hide, From his evil eyes I'm so afraid now I'm starting to cry. He finds me weeping He shoults ugly words, he says it's my fault That he suffers at work. He slaps me and hits me, And yells at me more I finally get free and run for the door. He's already locked it, And I start to bawl He takes me and throws me Against the hard wall I fall to the floor With my bones nearly broken, And my daddy continues With more bad words spoken. "I'm sorry!", I scream But it's now much too late His face has been twisted Into unimaginable hate. The hurt and the pain Again and again Oh please God, have Mercy! Oh please let it end! And he finally stops and heads for the door, While I lay there motionless sprawled on the floor. My name is Sarah And I am but three Tonight my daddy Murdered me.
I know it's too sad and very extreme, but we must try to stay calm with our children, because they sometimes know no better. After reading this poem, I know I will make an effort to try and understand my chilkd more, and get angry at her less. posted 3/29/2006 by Guilty mother canada "

Oh MY, are you crying too? Can you just feel the girl's wanting to love her parents? Don't you look at your own children and think how often they just want our love too? Why am I doing this too my kids? Because I'm stressed about the hosue and marraige and life and everything? It's not even worth one tear from my baby. Maybe this poem affects me more because I have been in abusive foster homes and all I wanted was parents to love me and they wouldn't. We have so much love to give our children and we waste time doing other things. Ya ALlah.
Here's the last link: http://actagainstviolence.apa.org/specialtopics/yelling.html

I actually had time last night because my kids had fallen asleep easily and husband too. My stomach was hurting badly making it imperative that I relax in a way that doesn't make it hurt worse. I stared blankly around my house wondering what to do with my time. Can't do dishes requires too much work and standing. Can't even do computer because my pathetic little folding chair requires a hunchback squish stomach seating which will cause more harm. My eyes then fell upon my disheveled bookcase. The plastic pins holding up the shelves have bent under the enormous weight of my books and they fell being held up only by the books under. This is what I get for buying cheap bookcases. Since half the paperback books had fallen under the crushing pressure of my Islamic books (on top shelf naturally) I could pick a book out from the floor (which is where I'm leaving them until hubby fixes the bookshelf) or from the few remaining on the shelf. I spotted the top book on my "to be read still" pile and saw it was a book that my husband had read. I picked it up and read the back. It didn't grab me but I didn't want to hem haw all night when my precious time was normally limited. A baby waits until you're comfy to wake up. I shrugged and took the book to my couch and poured myself a glass of mixed berry juice to help ease my aching stomach. The book is James Rollins' "Sandstorm". The first sentence really grabbed me into the book that I thought might only mildly interest me. I read two character's Point Of Views until the next one was to begin on page 15.

Then I did the unbelievable. I put the book down and went to bed. Without being dragged there by my crying baby. My thoughts were in turmoil though despite the calm state of body. After only 15 pages my heart was crying out to write again. The natural flow of words I read so elegantly stated had reminded me of how much I loved the written word and how much I had missed reading. It has been months since I read a fiction book. Should I pick up my pen again? How cruelly I had cast it aside for other goals. Leaving my beloved characters hanging in their trivial problems until a further date when I could go and help them again.
This morning when I woke up I roamed the house. I felt better so I could do my chores but the pull of Sandstorm yanked my heart to the couch where I had fallen in love again last night. To return to the lover's tryst with my book would mean things might not get done in the house, thereby sparking my husband's disapproval. Yet I couldn't resist. I set up as I had done the night before even down to the glass of mixed berry juice. I started at page 15 and read until the Chapter 2 break. Then I did another incredible thing. I put the book down.

It was too good. Reading again. Feeling words that my own heart ached to write. I have to take this slowly. Like a smoker who quit and has to build his three pack a day habit back up slowly. I'm afraid of my writing addiction. Afraid it will consume my life. I will forsake cleaning just to write one more page. Forsake playing with my daughter to write just one more paragraph. Embrace baby's feeding times and stretch them out to be able to write just one more word. Life which has begun to finally organize itself will fall into disarray as I scramble to get things done and still have time for my addiction. So I'm hoping that by reading slowly it will take me longer to read the book and longer to start writing again, thus delaying the inevitable chaos.

After thinking really hard about life and how short it is and how I need to consintarate on the spiritual matters of life more and encourage my family to do so. I really thought about how TV is the root of many problems in my house. What does hubby do when coming home? Eat and watch the hilarious Conan O'Brien. Ok we also watch CNN/Orbit news programs or comedy shows or a rare movie. What we are not doing is sitting down and reading qur'an as a family or playing games as a family or doing ANYTHING as a family. In the afternoons it's a TV war of who gets a turn. My 3 year old is obsessed with Playhouse Disney.

She will literally cry and put out all the acting stops to get her father not to have his turn on the TV so she can continue her marathon of DISNEY DISNEY DISNEY. You say it is my fault and you're right it is. I relied too much on the TV to amuse my daughter when I was pregnant and then after i had my son. I wanted her to leave me in peace to put the baby to sleep so I'd put on disney or a movie to keep her entertained because I didn't have the time to play interactive games with her. Now I'm paying the price and so is she. She's hooked day and night. The only way to get her excited about waking up in the morning is to say "Oh look Disney is on TV". She hops out of bed and runs to the couch to slump there-in until i get her dressed. Now Playhouse Disney does have excellent shows for pre-schoolers and she has learned a lot about life from these shows and I am happy she learns things not just mindless zoning but ALL DAY!?
This is time she can be pretending with her toys or interacting with me more and I think i need to lay down the law now to everyone in the house. No more TV all the time! I thought about cancelling my Orbit subscription but then I think about that what if i want to watch how the latest war is deveolping on CNN? Is this shaytan whispering in my ear so I don't ban my TV? You betcha. I have my workout DVD's so I can't just ban the TV altogether so maybe i should start limiting it for now and see how that works first. I want my family to be less materialistic (not that we are or can afford to be but what we have is not really needed for this life) but where does one draw the line? I want my family to spend time on Islam but does tossing all unnessisary things guarantee that this will happen? If I get rid of all the junk we've accumilated and all the stuff we haven't touched in months will life really improve? Where is the moderation between living with the bare essentials and getting by in today's world? Movies are fun especailly for kids and gives them a chance to flex their imaginations, thought they ceratinly aren't nessisary Islamically so how does one balance what to get and not to get in this life? I want my family to reach Jannah insha'Allah but I don't want to deprive my family of a "normal" life. I want us to be closer and to have quality time together. I want us to be as minimalistic as possible without being barren. Why waste our precious(meaning rare) money on things that will not benefit us in the next life? I want us to have experiences yet I don't want us corrupted. How do I achieve balance?
Sometimes I just want to smash all the unnessisary things!

Sometimes I feel like a sock that has been knitted over and over patching each patch with a new color. Sigh I'm re-torn about life and blogging.

I've been maddly commenting on blogs far and wide getting a feel for what I love and am passionate about. Yes still Islam #1! That's not gonna change!
But thanks to Angry Muslimah (see link on side bar) I've re-awakened another side of mine... the compassionate one. I love about Islam it's compassion to those in need. Never before have I seen people who will take in complete strangers just because they are in need.
I read posts where someone "finds" a baby and milks it and raises it as their own. I think where's my baby? I have milk! Why can't I be the one to find a baby?!?!?! I'd love to raise an orphan as my own milk child! I want to help!
I read post where women have bad domestic problems and need a place to recouperate and someone to encourage them to get the help they need. ANd to put it bluntly spell out for them their Right in Islam. I want to talk to these women and encourage them! I want to shelter them and their children! I want to make a difference in someone's life for the better in their need of crisis!
I read posts about ignorance of Islamic laws and those men and women who don't follow the laws and cause harm to others. I want to educate them! I know lots about Islam! I want to teach them what is good and bad and right and wrong!

I

WANT

TO

HELP

!

So subhan'Allah it's increadible that maybe I can get a job (though a friend) at a government sponsored charity project for New Muslims, and those in Need. OHHH what a dream job and getting paid for it too! MAKE DU'A MY HUSBAND AND I GET THESE JOBS!!!!!
But this is why I'm so torn. Haven't i writen post after post about art and the need for a store here in Al-AIn and then in a blink I abandon my pet project for this strong calling I have to help others in need. Not only abandoning my arts and craft store but my writting as well! I've even put off meeting with an influencial investor for my store just to await word that I could get this job. Not only do my hubby and I need this finacial assistance but it is in a field we are both dedicated 100% to. Helping others in Islam and giving Da'wa.
But say I get this job then what about art store and writting and WHAT ABOUT MY KIDS!!! I've never been a working mother and I'm loath to do it because I love being home for my kids and taking care of them totally. Of course the ease of breasfeeding not done publicly and where will I put my babay while working?!?! I CANNOT PUT HIM IN DAYCARE HE"S A BABY!!!! I really really dislike putting kids in daycare without there being a strong need.
Oh man the ironies of life. My life has been stay at home wife/mom for past 4 years and suddenly in the begining of one year all these oppourtunities happen! It's amazing, subhan'Allah. I was just thinking what will bloggers think about this new job oppourtunity? WIll they think I'm fickle? Hmm let me make a poll lol...... But after reading about some women's plight I would love to help people make a difference that matters. So do I have a new goal? You betcha! Goal: Help people in need....

I feel like that old song by Natalie Embrulia (sp?) TORN... "Nothing's right I'm torn..." but unliek her I'm not "all out of faith". I read Muslim blogs and it makes me scream at myself that why aren't you being a better Muslim and promoting Islam, Qur'an, Hijab etcetera. Why do you just whine about business and politics and spend so much pointless time reading "controversial" blogs. Sure it's interesting to see them fighting their opinions out but does it really matter? DO they change their opinions? Nope. The same A-holes keep slamming Islam. Ignorant of what it REALLY IS. Sure some are corrupt and don't follow it but there are SO MANY who do! In Lebanon I used to get my weekly deen lessons and not only that I learned from my friends who were so good. One friend especailly I miss. She IS strong and mash'Allah so sure of herself and her role in this life. She's a convert too so I know where she's coming from. She doesn't accept to be lazy at all in Islam and I always looked up to her but now I'm so far away. I was better when i was around her.
So now I'm so torn should I yet again change the style of my blog? It must be pathetically confusing for anyone reading this. First I'm a writer, then business wanna be tycoon(or just lady), then arab news blogger, then? then? then? Being from USA means I see the other's point of view so easily but sometimes I'm missing the biggest part of my own life. I'm Muslim and a strict one at that. Strict doesn't mean I'm alwzys good though. I have my lazinesses and weak spots. My friends in Leabnon used to help me with these. Masha'Allah I had THE dream about PROPHET MUHAMMAD (sallahu alayhi wa salam-sp?) the night before i was to see my friends and ask them for guidance about missing prayers. This dream has always given me strength to remember I can do it.
My blog doesn't stand out and say READ ME. If I wanna whine I should do it on my other blog but this blog needs to be something special. And most the time i feel it's sadly lacking. I saw a really good blog which posts nothing but self-improvement Islamic things and i was so happy. I felt better after reading her blog. DO people feel better after reading mine? I doubt it. SO I must ponder things more and decide what I will do. Maybe it would be better if I had a larger fanbase.... I could poll them hehehe. But the only way to get the huge fan bases like i see on these political blogs is to get everyone all fired up and fighting and then that doesn't make anyone feel good either. Is it a catch 22?
DaVinci says I should be following my impulses and I try to. I did chase a marching parade. But I want to be impulsive on my blog too. Should I reveal more of who I am? Should I reveal more opinions or facts or passages or or or or or!!!!!!?
*sigh* this is what I get for blogging in the middle of the night...nothing but questions and a headache.....if I had an investor or a book contract I wouldn't be in this mess ebcause I wouldn't have time to blog I'd post one of those "I'm too busy being rich and famous to blog today" remarks I see someties and my audience would sigh and go I wish I could say that instead of BLOGGING AT 4AM!!!
hmm maybe I should reveal a strange quirk about me everyday.....
this is besides the point all this!!!!!!


I have a duty to Allah to spread my knowledge far and wide, all of it! What is the point of gaining knowledge is you don't apply and then teach. Example: We learn to pray, we pray, we must then teach others to pray. There are dozens of websites out there about each topic and I feel lieka copy-cat if I try to be like them but inside I'm so many different things so it's hard to label my blog to one thing.... off topic again... should i change something? if so what? Or do people like my quirky blogs the way they are?