American Muslima Writer -Daring to Work Towards Jannah

Long ago before I was Muslim I used to dabble a bit in Witchcraft with some of my friends.

My family and I moved in with my grandfather and I temporarily got to have the library as my room. There was nothing better than waking to a room stuffed with books everyday. But I had a lot of nightmares and scary feelings always in that room. Sometimes I'd wake up screaming. A few times I'd wake trying to scream but nothing would come out. Those were the worst.

Finally I was moved down the hall to the former office room (which used to belong to my Aunt when she was younger). It felt very peaceful and wonderful. I painted it a beautiful color of blue called Blue Flame with African Jewel Lavender trims. Pure relaxation. But when I'd walk down the long hall towards the green bathroom at the end, I'd have to pass the Library. A sudden dread out of nowhere would fill me and my hair would raise off my skin and I would get so scared and creeped out. If other people were around this wouldn't happen. If someone was sitting in there reading or something I never felt it. Only when it was empty.

Many nights I refused to go to the bathroom so I wouldn't have to pass that room. If the door was closed I didn't feel it, only when it was open and my family had a habit of leaving it open a crack at night.

When I badly had to go I'd creep slowly down the hall and glide along the wall furthest from the door until I could see if it was closed or not. Many nights that inky black crack glared out at me filling me with unknown dread. I do have an active imagination but this was different, I wasn't trying to imagine anything. I was purposely trying to clear my mind to enhance reality but it wouldn't help. There was something evil in that room.

I'd take a few breaths to steel myself then reach my hand closer and closer to the doorknob to pull it shut. Every inch seemed to be wanting me to be sucked back into that land of nightmares. Finally I'd manage to touch the cool knob and firmly shut it. But I could still feel it seething behind the door. I would quickly go to the bathroom then rush back to my peaceful room to sleep.

Eventually my Maternal Grandmother's health was deteriorating and it was decided she would move into my Paternal Grandfather's house with us. They emptied the floor of the Library to prepare for her to move in. I was horrified. I went to my favorite Wiccan (witchcraft) sites and was madly browsing how to rid the room of evil spirits. Finding the perfect solution I rummaged my room for the previous Halloween's 2 black tapered candles as the spell required. I knew they would come in handy when I bought them on a whim.

My family had gone out shopping to get her furniture then to pick her up. I entered the Library filled with sunlight but still felt the gloom of evil hanging around. I did not want that thing to effect my grandmother's health and give her nightmares too. I placed the two candles on both sides of the room and then lit them. I recited the opening spell and began to speak directly to the unwanted spirit.

I informed it as the spell required that it was no longer allowed to live here and had permission to leave and was banned from returning. (The spell said it more eloquently but I've forgotten the words now --alhamdulillah--). Then i finished the incantations and brought the lit candles together in the center of the room and on the last word of the spell blew them out together. I used my Gift for Feeling to test the room. It had gone. The spell had said either the spirit would leave the house through the walls out into the world to find another home or it would have been sucked into the candles and would remain therein until they were lit again. I felt the far wall and didn't feel anything odd. I picked up the candles and they seemed heavier than before. I felt a shudder holding them. I threw them on a shelf out of sight.

But it had seemed to work, the room felt happy and clear again. When my family returned and set up the room for my grandmother I was satisfied her health would not be effected by the room ever again.

The next day I took the candles to school in my backpack and showed them to my friends and explained SHORTLY what I had done. Jen (over at A Day in the Life of a Struggling Artist) said she'd take them. I warned her though never to lite them. Years later she said she did so I don't know what happened with that. Perhaps she can finish the tale for us here in comments...

Now I'm Muslim it's hard to know what to think about that. Was it a bad Jinn? Had it really left through the magic I had used? We Muslims do believe Magic exists but we are forbidden from using it and dealing with those who do as All Power comes from Allah. Many times after this I tried at night to go past the library and use my Gift of Feeling to test it but nothing ever felt bad again. I even tried imagining it but it didn't work.

Later when I met my Muslim Roommate and we were about to move into a new apartment she said she had learned we read certain ayahs from the Qur'an to protect the home from Jinn. We had her ex-husband come over and read the proper verses since we both weren't well versed in Qur'an. Also when I Feel something odd I always recite Qur'an now. If I wake from a bad dream I do the same. Oddly enough sometimes in my dreams I'm battling evil forces by loudly reciting qur'an and they are always shrinking back from the power of it and I wake feeling invigorated.

*UPDATE* -Jen finished the story of the Black Candles in the comments so check it out!!!

Have you ever experienced something like this? Let us know either through comments or link me on your blog.

My Canadian friend gave me a whole MP3 (2CDS) set of Shiek Hamza Yusuf's Purification of the Heart and I began listening to it intently and masha'Allah it has opened doorways in my mind and have seen a whole new way to look at things. I'm not taking him as my own personal Sheik but his CD definitely moved my mind. Then the next day I get a message from the local New Muslims Help Place "Dar Al-Zayed Al-Islam" from my friends saying that Shiek Hamza Yusuf will be in Abu-Dhabi and will be holding a lecture. "We have to go see this together!" I told my friend and eventually we made plans for it.
A Brother she knew drove us there in his minivan, may Allah reward him. I have two kids and she has three so a total of 5 kids, two ladies, and two Brothers were in this van. Men in the front, Ladies in the middle with the babies, other kids in the back. All the kids were acting crazy and were fussy and being soo difficult (including mine, I'm taking full blame here) and we had to stop and pray twice along the way. At the Maghrib prayer my daughter needed to use the restroom and I couldn't ask these brothers (since they had already left to pray) to take her to the potty and the woman's area was a far walking distance away from the masjid so I took her to a secluded place far from where anyone would sit or walk and tried my best to have her go in the nature way but small kid, small bladder equals problems and most got on her pants and so I had to change her and wash her down in public, Ugh talk about everything going wrong at once. So finally we settle in for the rest of the ride to AbuDhabi and still the kids are all being difficult but we get to the National Theater where the lecture was being held. Women of course go upstairs to the balcony seating.
I HAD called ahead and asked if children were allowed to this function and was assured it was ok. Me and my friend and our two strollers and five kids all entered the darkened theater and my mommy radar went off that this was not a kid friendly environment and we were in for some real trouble. We took seats as fast as possible and tried to get our kids munching on snacks to keep them quiet but this only lasted a few minutes. The babies became fussy and the three older kids (3,4,6 yrs old) started hopping seats up and down the theater and of course these Emeratian Ladies who I guess were the Quiet Police all started hushing our kids and causing more disturbances than our kids were. Finally I gave up trying to take notes on the lecture. Which was about Islamic Influence on the World. LIke how Arabs were the first to make stained glass and then the rest of the world started doing it and esp the churches and now some muslims think we can't have stained glass windows in masjids when in reality we were the inventors. Subhan'Allah. We took the kids outside of the theater doors where there was room for them to run around on the carpets and not disturb anyone. Then we took turns watching the kids and then trading off to listen to the lecture. The Emeratian Ladies were kind enough to bring us tea or juices so I thank them for that. I got to see the ending of the lecture which was some of the best part where he talked about more open dialog between religions. Then a group of Shiekhs and one Shiekha came up to greet him and give him some kind of plaque (the ceremony was in Arabic of course) and he shook hands with them including the Shiekha and she was whispering many things to Hamza Yusuf while pictures were taken of them lined up and the plaque. Finally they finished and left and a mob swarmed him. I rushed to get our strollers ready to face the mob downstairs and called for my friend to grab the kids and lets go meet him. My husband demanded I not leave until I get a picture of Hamza Yusuf holding our son. I don't know why he wanted this but I was determined to win my husband's praise. So we went downstairs and it took a long time for us to get through the throng. At first we didn't think it was going to happen to talk to him because my camera died and so did her camera phone. Then one of the sisters offered to take the picture and send us it in e-mail.

Hamza Yusuf's back of his head behind my son.

Lebanon has some beautiful buildings but most are plain concrete usually painted white or cream at one point maybe with tileing for decor, older buildings are riddled with bullet holes, a constant reminder of how fragile Lebanon's times of peace are. Nearly every building though has a series of balconies for each house and are anywhere from 3 stories to 20 stories. Some are long and wide others are small and narrow but nearly every home has one balcony.
They serve a variety of purposes. Sometimes stairs and doors are too narrow to get in plush couches and large fridges so using pulleys and ropes they haul them right up the side of the building through the balcony. Other times balconies are used as a storage for extra supplies that want to remain unseen to proper guests. A third option is for a clothesline set up since Lebanon's weather is usually mild and warm so air drying clothes is least expensive. You can either string wires to walls or have a collapsible one OR BOTH (like I used to have at one point). A fourth option would be to enclose the balcony and make it another room for a maid or child or for more storage that is rain proof. The best option of all though is to have some patio/plastic chairs and table outside and drink tea/coffee and eat fruit or nuts in the morning or evening. The Lebanese are very social people and love sitting together as families or with guests (who visit unexpectedly and often) on the balcony and discuss life, politics, and religion. Kids weave in and out of adults grabbing drinks and snacks on their way. Randomly an adult will pull a child who is looking too far over the edge back away from danger of falling.
In the city I lived in the longest called Haretil-Naime/Naime (NA-AM-MAY) was south of Beirut for about a 15 minute drive on clear traffic days and 30-45 minutes on heavy moderate traffic days. Masha'Allah I loved my house even though it was in a poor section and it wasn't very big. Why because it had THREE balconies. The largest unfortunately was facing South East towards three factories (full of men of course so I'd always have to be sure to wear hijab). My daughter used to be able to sleep through the daily pinging of steel hitting steel all day. Eventually you just tune it out. The second balcony was used for storage and laundry since it was off the kitchen and faced all the other residence's balconies (where they had their clothes and storage). My third balcony was the reason i chose this house. I was on the top floor of the 5 story building (6 stories including ground floor). Remember this height for i will refer to it later. It had a beautiful North West view of the Mediterranean Sea.
In summer you had glorious sunsets and a cool sea breeze (though we weren't really close to the sea- a good 20 minute walk) and in the winter stormy clouds and lighting over the sea. In the mornings I used to love to make coffee or tea and sit with my husband and watch the sunrise dawning on the eastern mountains and reflecting on the western clouds and sea. Our neighbor on the top floor of the neighboring building kept trained pigeons so they would be released at dawn to fly in majestic circles. Everything was fresh and calm. Then my daughter would wake and we'd lean carefully over the navel high railing and wave goodbye to my husband as he walked down the sloped road to catch a shuttle van- that runs from Naime to Beirut's Cola intersection- for work. After he was out of sight we'd go in and I'd make breakfast and start the day. It was so wonderful to have this time to reflect on nature and life.

Then my love of balconies dwindled a severe turn to loathing them...... They were a source of literally nightmares for me in day and night. My daughter learned how to walk and climb and suddenly that navel high railing didn't seem so high. All furniture had to be permanently taken off the balcony and kept inside. Only when I was outside could she go outside too. We didn't have an AC though so we kept this front balcony doors open for breeze. My daughter at this time not only learned how to climb but how to play hide and seek. She'd go somewhere while I was busy in the kitchen or cleaning the rooms and hide and as a mother knows when there is silence there is trouble. So I'd have to go find her and see what she was getting into.
Around this same time I started meeting the neighbors (after half a year--yeah I'm a little anti-social sometimes) and my downstairs neighbor under me had three children. So she used to come up and have tea or I'd go see her. One day I told her my love of the balconies but I'm worried now about my daughter climbing and her daughter was a climber too. She said this is a problem all over Lebanon of teaching the children not to climb or Jump off the balconies. "JUMP!" I squealed. "Oh yes, many children pretend they are Tarzan, superman, spiderman, take your pick, and wrap a cape around their necks and jump off a balcony to their death in attempts to fly." "YA ALLAH!" I teared up. "How many kids have done this?" "Oh dozens especially around here where the mother's might not have had much education (like my neighbor who married at 15) and don't know to always watch their kids." I was sooo distraught by this. "You can hear the mother's and family wailing (which is not allowed in Islam but is understandable) when a child jumps, for a week. It's something you don't forget." I shuddered. She left and I held my daughter so tight and prayed this would never happen to my daughter. I talked to my sister-in-law who has three kids and lives on the 7th floor in Beirut's busy section about balconies and kids. She told me her first two just obeyed her not to go on the balcony but her third she literally saved from death as she saw her daughter balanced about to fall and dragged her back by her shirt. The next day they installed metal bars across the whole balcony and on both balconies. It may look a bit jailish but her kids can safely play all day out in fresh air without worries.
This is a rental house though so I could not do this. So many times my daughter would be silent and hiding and I had no clue where she was and I'd tell her to talk to me but she wouldn't (lil tricky girl). I'd race to the factory balcony and look for her then with trepidation look down to see if she had fallen to her death. I'd then rush through the bedroom down the hall into the kitchen and to the balcony to look again over the railings. Finally back through the kitchen down the entry way to the living room/dining room to the sea balcony and look down. Alhamdulliah every time she was safe and just hiding in a closet or something like that and I'd hold her close and sometimes cry with fear of loosing her. It got worse when I would have to do this many times a day everyday because of course hide and seek while mommy is busy cleaning is a favorite game now. I would start daydreaming (remember I'm a writer with a VERY active imagination) and having nightmares about her falling and either I was there to see her fall or I was trying to hold her little slipping fingers. The worst was when I'd dream that she had JUST fallen and I jump after her and try to throw her onto my neighbors balcony and let her live while I die trying to save her.
I was so happy when I got to UAE and my house was on the 1st floor(2nd with Ground Floor included) and there was no balconies and the windows opened to a woodshop factory's metal awning so finally I could rest with peace of mind that there would be no more falling. My new house is Ground Floor so I have NO worries PERIOD. For sure if I ever live in Lebanon again I will get super high railings or jail bars. Living everyday like that was hard on my mind. Once I did hear a family wailing somewhere down the labyrinth of houses and streets that is Naime and it gave me chills and I wondered if their child had jumped. It is something you don't forget.
So though I dearly miss my Sea view I don't miss the pain of thinking horrid things.

SubhanAllah. For the longest time I've had trouble praying on time. It is my biggest islamic fault and the one i hate the most about myself. Always I ask friends and family for advice and for a while it seems to work then later it slacks off again. Recently though I have felt so bad and have been through so much stress that things have gotten really out of hand and my husband took me to task in a not-friendly way and I did take note of what he said but I didn't know how to improve. SO off to the net for the night to see what I could find. My close friend from Lebanon was online and I chatted with her about it and she recommened to schedule in my prayers right after athan and set all kinds of alarms everywhere to not forget. Good advice definitly. So searching more through blogs and everything for inspiration of what to do even more to feel the urgency in my heart again to pray better I fianlly check my e-mails and find this: SubhanAllah JUST when I needed it the most. I hope this helps you out and Encourages and Warns you as it did for me.
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--Forwarded Message Attachment--Date: Fri, 11 Apr 2008 20:04:07 +0300From: markazmaryam@gmail.comTo: markazmaryam@gmail.comSubject: "The prayer is better than the sleep"
"and recite the Qur'aan in the early dawn (i.e. the morning prayer). Verily, the recitation of the Qur'aan in the early dawn is ever witnessed (attended by the angels)".[soorah Al-Isra, v:78]
Praying Fajr reflects how much you love Allah the Almighty

The happiness of that guy was tremendous when a well-known company accepted him to work for it. He was over the moon as he was the only accepted candidate. He signed the contract that implies that he should agree on respecting the company working hours, delivering weekly reports about his work and activities, and accepting to be punished for any delinquency.
Soon later, the guy met his manager and said to him, "From tomorrow onwards, I will not come in time. And I will not deliver my weekly reports in time either; instead they will be delayed for a while. In spite of all that, I will not allow you to punish me, and you don't have the right to kick me out from work." If we imagine such a situation, we will laugh at the behaviour of that guy. No-one will see him but an insane and a fool person. How come can someone want to take his rights whereas he is not committed to his own obligations?! So, why most of us do the same strange action or even worse?
(As we commit a worse sin against the Law of Allah the Almighty.) How can a sane person allow himself to enjoy all Allah's graces: such as food, drink, clothes and life pleasures; whereas he doesn't offer Allah the simplest obligatory He obligates him to do, viz. Praying?!And even if he prays, then he doesn't pray in time or he prays like a rooster (i.e. he prays too hastily and carelessly). He neither complies with his praying nor apprehends what he says. According to our web site visitors survey in the arabic section of IslamWay.com that included more than 4000 persons: 14% of them never pray Fajr in its time16% of them rarely pray Fajr in its time33% of them often pray Fajr in its time35% of them always pray Fajr in its timeSubhan Allah!! We are not talking about jurisprudence about which scholars disagreed or even a Sunnah that one has a choice to do or not. We are talking about ABC Islam. We are talking about praying that Allah Almighty obligates on all Muslims - whatever their conditions are. When Allah the Almighty ordered Muslims to pray He warned those who delay the prayer after its designated time, saying:
"So woe to the worshippers Who are neglectful Of their prayers" [Surat Al-ma'oon 107:4-5]
The interpreters said that what is meant by this verse is delaying prayer after its designated time.They also said : "woe" is a very deep sheer black valley in Hell. Don't we believe in Allah's Words? A lot of Muslims nowadays neglect Fajr prayer as if they it was not there. That's why they pray it much later than its time. In addition, some of them pray it immediately before the Noon prayer. Others may never pray it even for compensation (Qaddaa). So why all this laziness against what Allah the Almighty deserves? Don't we proclaim that we love Allah the Almighty more than any thing else? Once one of us loves someone a true love, he will be willing to meet him. He may keep thinking of him most of the time. Once he has a date with him, he can NOT sleep until he meets the one he loves. So, do those lazy prayers who do not pray Fajr prayer really love Allah? Do they really respect His Orders? Are they willing to meet Him?. Let's imagine that a multi-millionaire offered one of his employees $1000 every day, just on one condition, viz. the employee must call daily at his employer's house in the morning as to wake him up then leave. Such a simple task may take the employee 10 minutes only. This marvellously generous offer will be valid as long as the employee keeps awaking his employer regularly. On the other hand, this offer will be cancelled permanently, and the employee will be asked to return all the money he received, if he neglects to awake his employer once without an excuse. So, if you, my Muslim brother, were that employee , will you neglect to call at your employer's house? Won't you carefully intend to wake up daily to get the one thousand dollar? Won't you - once you failed one morning - try with all means to prove that you were truly unable to wake up?. Allah has the higher example, so what about you my dear brother towards your Lord, Allah the Almighty? He is the ONLY ONE who gives you your means of living and who bestowed you with every thing, whose blessings on you are utterly much more than millions of dollars daily. It is Him Who says:
"...if you try to count the blessings of Allah , you will fail...." [Surat Ibrahim: 14 : 34]
Doesn't this Lord, the The Most Merciful, the Most Generous deserve that you wake up for Him every morning at about 5.30 a.m. so as to thank Him just in 5 or 10 minutes for His great blessings and his generous favours? The judgement against those who neglect praying Fajr Prayer in time: Allah the Almighty says:
"...for such prayers are enjoined on Believers at stated times." [Surat Annesaa: 4 : 103]
· Islam is a comprehensive way of life… It is like an agreement between The Great Lord and His humble servant. According to this agreement, the servant commits to certain obligations before Allah. With respect to these obligations, Allah would grant the servant rights and privileges. It is insensible that you agree to this contract, then, soon afterwards, you do whatever you like and neglect whatever you do not like. Allah Almighty says in the Quran: " O ye who believe! Enter into Islam whole-heartedly; and follow not the footsteps of the Evil One; for he is to you an avowed enemy." [Surat Al-baqara: 2 : 208]The interpreters said: this means to accept Islam with all its legislation and rules. Allah got exasperated with the people of Israel when they performed what they liked from His religion and neglected the rest. That's why He addresses them saying: "…Then is it only a part of the Book that ye believe in, and do ye reject the rest? But what is the reward for those among you who behave like this but disgrace in this life? And on the Day of Judgment they shall be consigned to the most grievous penalty. For Allah is not unmindful of what ye do." [Surat Al-baqara: 2 : 85]
As far as one's punctuality on attending prayers is considered, The Prophet (peace be upon him) sees those who do not punctually attend Fajr (dawn) and Ishaa (night) Salat in congregation as being sheer hypocrites "Munafeqeen". So what do you think of those who do not pray Fajr at all, neither in congregation nor alone (at home)?
· The Prophet (pbuh) said: "There is no prayer more difficult to attend for hypocrites than Fajr and Ishaa. And if they knew what's in them (i.e. the good reward - thawab) they would attend them even if they had to come crawling." (Narrated by Bukhari)
· Allah Almighty mentions that He disavows whosoever neglects the obligatory Salat. Besides, The Prophet (pbuh) said: "Do not ever leave Salat on purpose because whoever does so then he is disavowed by Allah and His Messenger." (Narrated by Imam Ahmad)
So do you like, Oh Muslim brother and sister, for the closest one to you to disavow you? So how do you neglect the Salat and cause Allah to be disavow you? Well....now what have I to do?
· Every one us should set an alarm clock to wake him for Fajr Salat daily.
· We should give Salat its status in our lives, and we should discipline our jobs according to the Salat regular times. (Unfortunately, we simply do the opposite!)
· We should sleep early and wake up for Fajr and then leave for work. Soon after Fajr, Allah distributes people's sustenance (Arzaq).
· Each one of us should seek a good companionship that would call to wake him at Fajr Salat. Moreover, they would help one another to adhere to such a good deed.
· We should keep on saying our nightly Duaa (that we say just after before going to sleep) asking Allah to help us do our Salat.
· To feel guilty if we missed a single obligatory Salat. Furthermore, we should vow never to repeat this big sin. And make it up.
May Allah make us all be among those who truly love Him. May He give us sincerity in both words and deeds. (Amen) Finally, whatever is right in this article then it is a gift from Allah. And whatever mistakes or shortcomings then they are due to myself or Shaytan (Satan).Taken from Islamway.com
some practical steps that will help to pray Fajr regularly inshaAllaah:
· Sleeping early
· not talking after Isha (as it is disliked)
· To be taahir(clean) & saying the adhkaar before sleeping
· Having a sincere intention & being determind.
· Seeking help from one's family & friends
· Setting alarms for fajr (on phones, mobiles, clocks)
· Throwing water in the face of sleeping person.
· Switching on the lights to dispel sleep.
· Not eating too much before going to sleep.
· & most importantly making duaa to Allaah subhanahu wa ta3aala, as it is one of the greatest source of strength & success in all things.
Extracted & summarized from the book by Shaykh Salih Munajjid
.-- "جئنا هنا رب لترضى""We are here our Rabb to please You"
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So let me hear your feedback about if you pray on time and how you manage to do it. And if you don't pray on time let me know what you've tried in the past to do. Don't be shy or nervous to admit your sins even though i know it's hard. The point is not to admit it for to be scolded but to admit it so you can move on past the guilt and learn how to improve yourself. We must support each other.

I actually had time last night because my kids had fallen asleep easily and husband too. My stomach was hurting badly making it imperative that I relax in a way that doesn't make it hurt worse. I stared blankly around my house wondering what to do with my time. Can't do dishes requires too much work and standing. Can't even do computer because my pathetic little folding chair requires a hunchback squish stomach seating which will cause more harm. My eyes then fell upon my disheveled bookcase. The plastic pins holding up the shelves have bent under the enormous weight of my books and they fell being held up only by the books under. This is what I get for buying cheap bookcases. Since half the paperback books had fallen under the crushing pressure of my Islamic books (on top shelf naturally) I could pick a book out from the floor (which is where I'm leaving them until hubby fixes the bookshelf) or from the few remaining on the shelf. I spotted the top book on my "to be read still" pile and saw it was a book that my husband had read. I picked it up and read the back. It didn't grab me but I didn't want to hem haw all night when my precious time was normally limited. A baby waits until you're comfy to wake up. I shrugged and took the book to my couch and poured myself a glass of mixed berry juice to help ease my aching stomach. The book is James Rollins' "Sandstorm". The first sentence really grabbed me into the book that I thought might only mildly interest me. I read two character's Point Of Views until the next one was to begin on page 15.

Then I did the unbelievable. I put the book down and went to bed. Without being dragged there by my crying baby. My thoughts were in turmoil though despite the calm state of body. After only 15 pages my heart was crying out to write again. The natural flow of words I read so elegantly stated had reminded me of how much I loved the written word and how much I had missed reading. It has been months since I read a fiction book. Should I pick up my pen again? How cruelly I had cast it aside for other goals. Leaving my beloved characters hanging in their trivial problems until a further date when I could go and help them again.
This morning when I woke up I roamed the house. I felt better so I could do my chores but the pull of Sandstorm yanked my heart to the couch where I had fallen in love again last night. To return to the lover's tryst with my book would mean things might not get done in the house, thereby sparking my husband's disapproval. Yet I couldn't resist. I set up as I had done the night before even down to the glass of mixed berry juice. I started at page 15 and read until the Chapter 2 break. Then I did another incredible thing. I put the book down.

It was too good. Reading again. Feeling words that my own heart ached to write. I have to take this slowly. Like a smoker who quit and has to build his three pack a day habit back up slowly. I'm afraid of my writing addiction. Afraid it will consume my life. I will forsake cleaning just to write one more page. Forsake playing with my daughter to write just one more paragraph. Embrace baby's feeding times and stretch them out to be able to write just one more word. Life which has begun to finally organize itself will fall into disarray as I scramble to get things done and still have time for my addiction. So I'm hoping that by reading slowly it will take me longer to read the book and longer to start writing again, thus delaying the inevitable chaos.

Here we go merry-go-round, merry-go-round, here we go merry-go-round ALL FREAKIN DAY!!!!!!!! UGH!!!!

First it started out as an innocent cough from the far corner that is my daughter's bed at night. It moved up to a fever that kept her home from school for the day with some Panadol re-enforcements.
Now after Dr visits she's on anti-biotics for a full case of who knows what.
Then when we thought the ride was over the button was pushed again and it kept going...
Another more innocent cough started cuddled to my chest that is my son's place at night.
It moved faster to a full fever that started out my Jummah on a bad note
After Dr visit we thought it would be smoother like the first ride.
Then the merry-go-round started making odd noises and nearly threw us all off as son threw up anti-biotics twice no matter how I presented them.
All night with two kids fever and coughing that was barilly ebbed by beloved Captain Panadol, the hero of fevers.
After not eating all day because we were busy, hubby and I decided a treat to McDs would do to turn this merry-go-round ride from torment to fun.
Sure the food was good and daughter had fun on slides and climbing and son had fun playing with cardboard wrappings UNTIL!
Mommy nearly passes out from too much riding! I woosily get to the car and by the time we get home I'm beat and my head is throbbing. I weakly hold onto the merry-go-round and do my duty to my kids to make sure they are comfy in their beds as my body aches at every joint and muscle. My throat is particualrly scratchy and my head on fire. I down a ibuprophen and pray to Allah to make the ride stop just for a few hours so i can sleep. Allah answers my prayers and the ride is stopped but we are still chained to the merry-go-round. I wake up to three fevers, crying, now daughter yells tissue at the top of her scratchy voice every time her nose is a little drippy which is ALL the time. Also she says her eyes hurt as if she's about to go blind which frightens me a lot. The only reaon I'm able to blog on this merry-go-round that has lasted for a week now is because both kids are heat-comatose in fever and sleeping.
Ah but good things come to an end right? Please make du'a out there that we all get better soon and the merry-go-round will stop.

That's the new name of my Arts and Crafts Business! Isn't it fab! Don't you just wanna pick up anything artsy and do something with it? Don't you want to buy my products!



Heh ok so back to the moment of inspiration! I've been thinking deeply about my goals this year and teh fact taht I've dared myself to complete them. I also looked at a site ina small mall where everything was fancy and had catchy names and i was like AMerican Quality A&C wont hold water here. Thus as I was feeding my son and daydreaming (the best part of breastfeeding) how to decorate my shop i thought about painting a slogan on the wall like Dare to Succeed, or Dare yourself then Dare yourself to create but create is a term used by Alah so taht was no good. So Creativity came in suddenly and BAM!!! Dare Your Creativity! Now I'm here 3rd night in a row i can't sleep from excitement. How am I living...i dunno but it's working. I haven't been so excited about soemthing since I had my babies and also fell in love with my Arab Hubby.


OK I've been up all night many times to do writing of books but never to the point of constant awakeness. I had to force myself to lay down yesterday afternoon and do hypnosis relaxation methods just to get rid of this feeling like I was hungry but stuffed to my ears at the same time. Maybe it's called strung out. I know about being Manic Happy (I used to be Manic Depressive) but this tops it all!


I read about Enrepernurials(sp?) and Business People on CNN INTL. and i was like man I'll never be like that and like them driven in the business world and LOOK AT ME NOW! I don't recognise this sudden drive! Arab Hubby will go put an ad tomorrow in GULF NEWS the english paper here in UAE. I am seeking afemale investor for a whole lota monaaay. A female so i can be close to her as friends not just finacier. Also I have a secret new partner who will suppiment my weaknesses.
GO GO GO!!!!

My poor head! I was not able to sleep last night thinking about my new business idea! I got up about 3am (having gone to bed at 2am -remember i'm a breastfeeding mother) and went internet exploring about my business. My mom came online and told me to do even more research about starting abusiness and so i did! Now my brain hurts more! But somehow in a good way like when i used to go to school and had to cram for exams. Lots of info in short period of time. I just learned how to make a Business Plan and use it to set up a profitable business and attract investors and how to make profit projections. I realized quickly how ignorant I was previously and how Ignorant I still am...Learning sucks in that way... just kidding please don't throw things at your monitors.
I went though a "start you business" checklist and defined the areas I'm the weakest at (uh mainly the fact I've never run a business and haven't a clue how to...) Halfway through the list I of course thought I should write about a character opening his or her first business in Arabia and it being such a nightmare and everything goes wrong but they meet the person of their dreams and come out successful in one way or another and.... ok back to reality.....(make mental note to jot down my cool book idea later)
Even though I'm way inexperienced I think i have a good shot of making this work because I really believe in what I'm doing and that it will work out in the end. Al-Ain BADLY NEEDS a Arts & Crafts Store and I'm the gal to do it! And being the first to hit the market means I get all the money right?! RIGHT!? R I G H T !!!??? I'm begging you to afirm not shouting...
SO far the only area unconquorable is TAXES. No way after looking at an IRS site will i ever figure out what that all says and incorporate it into my actual life. I will gladly hand over my info to a tax Professional, it's their job, let them figure out my mess.
Hmm my daughter is at school now so theoritically I should go clean my hosue while the baby is sleeping but considering I've been up all night I should do the good thing and go curl up with a soft and warm baby. Ah it's the best moment when he cries and I can just lay next to him to feed him and realize he's gonna sleep for a few more hours and i get to sleep too.
Then the moment wears off when i wake up and look at the clock and realize my husband and daughter will be home NOW (thanks to split-shift working hours in Al-Ain) and I haven't Made Lunch, Picked up the house, or even brushed my hair. TOO bad no excuse to wear hijab in the house heh. Then i Have to scurry around doing everything at once and inveriably the baby wakes and wants full attention!
Hmmm maybe i won't be going to sleep now then.... Well see ya later then no matter the choice!