After reading over my reply to Lisa/Yasemin's latest Post I thought perhaps others who don't always visit her blog may gain something from my comment. Perhaps it might help one other person look a the world a little differently today.
American Muslima Writer said...
Boy do I feel your depression and pain coming through oh so clearly.
Boy do I feel your depression and pain coming through oh so clearly.
Look my dearest Yasemin.
You wrote"I can weather these storms all I want, but all I do is just keep surviving. Never really living. I'm not really even alive anymore."
You have choices in your life.
You are living. You hit rock bottom and this is what it feels like to dig your way up. It hurts it sucks but its what you have to do.
YOU CAN AT ANY SECOND OF ANY DAY DECIDE TO PACK YOUSSUF A BAG YOURSELF A BAG AND JUST TAKE THE CAR AND DRIVE TO ANYWHERE IN USA TO LIVE FOR A WHILE. EVEN IN YOUR CAR.
you have choices Yasemin.
If your Plan is to stick with the plan then do so, but know you do have other options that would bring you happiness in the short term that would make you free.
It would be a hard road. But it's a road that is open to you.
"And it hit me that my gut instincts have always told me why, but I've been afraid to pay attention. That deep down I'm convinced of one thing above all. That I can't have another baby with anyone, because of where the future is going.That maybe I'm just destined to die young."
Only Allah knows the length of someone's life. For all we know you can die this afternoon. I could too. It's beyond our control. So try not to think about when it will be but concentrate on getting as much OUT of life as you can.
"I'm saving money to try and take Youssef to New York, and see the remnants of Coney Island while he's gone. That is if the plan doesn't overwhelm us first."
WHAT! I'm gonna admit I'm shocked. Don't you have a lot to be saving up for instead of a vacation? He's 4 it's not gonna clearly stick in his mind long term right now. I'm sure he'd remember more a 1$ ice cream at McD's.This might sound odd but I want you to think about it deeply:
Where do you go when you're sad? Where do you take Youssuf when you are both sad?
Answer: Shopping, spending money, eating out. I know these are typical american ways to deal with pain. I do them myself sometimes. But realize what you're teaching Youssuf about how to channel his pain, into material possessions. If everytime Daddy gets him upset he goes out to eat he's going to associate food with pleasure which in the future could mean emotional eating disorder.
You keep comparing yourself to bigger and better. Reminds me of a hadith that says if you want to be happy look at those who have less not at those who have more. Look at the ghettos, look at the homeless. Look at those with life debilitating diseases.
YOU HAVE A LOT.
You are still young dear Yasemin.
Another thing to remember:
it is written at the entry of our soul to our body in the mother's womb how long we will live and part of what is written is if we will be poor or wealthy. Perhaps you need to start thinking that you will never be rich because Allah is keeping you from something that will harm you in your future and it will ham your soul.
What if you had that biggest house that biggest car that biggest world trip vacation? Would it make you whole inside? Sure they would look at you with envy but then what? They would love you for what you have not who you are inside. Your mother and sister will brag: That rich person is related to me! Look how fab I am to be related to someone so rich! They are not saying: I am related to Yasemin who is poor and still a wonderful person who strives hard to give love to the world and takes care of her hurting son every day.
And before it makes you despair that you MIGHT (Allahu alim) be one of those destined to be poor the rest of your life remember this: Those who enter Jannah first will be the poor and the needy. They will be the first to see some of the most beautiful things Allah has created. Before their richer friends.
But when your faith increases i believe so does your rizq from Allah. As you become a stronger person and you prove yourself to Allah he makes it easier for you to continue to be strong.
I never thought I'd have the money to get to Lebanon. But I knew if I wanted to finalize the details of getting my passport finished and packing things, because my husband had already bought the ticket but I was trying to scrape enough money together in time for a quick service passport, then I had to quit my job NOW. A job that had taken me 3 months to get in the first place. I job I had finally gained 53 hours a week at. And the exact day that I just put my life in the "hands" of Allah trusting Him to take care of me as I quit my job to start packing, I received an unexpected $500 from a friend of my husband's out of nowhere so i could do the passport. My husband didn't call him. The very next day I had the means to do my passport stuff and finalize my packing. My passport arrived the day before my plane was to leave.
Sometimes you have to prove to Allah that these worldly matters mean less than your faith in Him. I was shaking as I left my work. Shaking that everything would fall into chaos as it usually does in my life and I'd soon be homeless without a job to pay my part of the rent. But as I walked away shaking I kept saying:"Ok, Allah, it's all for You. I'm sacrificing it all for you. So I can make a better life as a good muslim with my husband, and fulfill the duties a good muslimah should. I'm placing my path with You to be guided by You how You have destined it to be."
Alhamdulillah.
Allah granted me wonderful things. Sure it's not all been roses but each thorn has been a test for me. As I squeeze my hand tighter around the rose that is Islam and the thorns dig deeper and hurt more I keep squeezing harder and harder holding tight to the beauty of Islam and hoping to gain the beautiful smell of Jannah. Where in the end I can See the Creator of that Beautiful Rose.
I love you for the sake of Allah Yasemin. You have a lot to offer the world still. Don't sell yourself or your life short. Continue to look forward to a long life but prepare your soul and your son's for the unexpected.
XOXOX
7 intelligent thoughts:
Awe....I have so much to say about this Brandy. Tears* thank you for your kind and spirited friendship. I will be back in the morning, it's 1:34 am (!) with a better response. I love you so dearly.
I can really relate to hitting **rock bottom** sometime Allah gives us these situation so we will find Him again...
I remember when I converted to Islam, the person I was living with kicked me out on my butt and I was alone in a foreign country.. but I kept hearing this voice telling me, if you do something for Allah HE WILL HELP.. HE WILL NOT LEAVE YOU, and whatever you give up for the sake of Allah He will give you something better.
I am here for you too ukhti, I am a little annoyed with blogger world but if you ever need a friend you can email me at ummtravis at live dot come.. I dont comment much on your blog becuz there are just so many other ppl doing it for me :)
And I agree with Brandy - the cure for these pains IS and always be a spiritual one... the correct one. Islam :)
Take one step for Him and He will take two for you.
Great post, sister. :)
Singamaraja reading your blog
Hey! I wrote the same thing in a comment to her earlier I didn't however have the analogy about purely surviving but surely the ice cream and the house
Genial post and this post helped me alot in my college assignement. Thanks you as your information.
Sorry for my bad english. Thank you so much for your good post. Your post helped me in my college assignment, If you can provide me more details please email me.
Post a Comment