10:10 AM

Like a virgin!

Wrote: American Muslima Writer |

From Madonna to many Muslim men, they have the same thing on their minds; Virginity.

The word itself congers up a blushing young maidens free from sexual taint with unknown appetites waiting to be learned and explored. Many symbolize virginity as a white sheet freshly put on a bed, pure. Others a newly blooming white rose. Along with the symbolism of white there is the unsaid mindset that virginity is clean. Someone untainted by sexual diseases or problems. Many men are only interested in marrying virgins but how many women are interested in this same mindset. Some women prefer a men to have some experience so at least one of them knows what's going to happen the first time or to be taught properly. How many young men actually last until marriage fully pure? Probably not many in today's society. Many if they are virgin's don't flaunt it. So I was shocked to learn of a certain man who I know through my husband who is PROUD of his virginity and actually tells people about it. I thought good for him! I wish more were like that. With movies like 40 Year Old Virgin where they mock a man who's in his 40's and still a virgin (hence the title duh), and the reality of, at least as far as I know (but I'm sure others), American Society where nearly all boys loose theirs around 13-17 years old (And also the girl they chose of the same ages).... how can we foster a sense of pride in our men and boys to keep their virginity until marriage?

Now say a man is a virgin and he chooses his first bride. What shall he choose a non-virgin or a virgin? For some it depends on Culture. PM wrote a very interesting post about a man being deceived about his wife's lack of virginity after consummation and divorced her. Other's follow their hearts and accept either way. We'll say this man takes a virgin bride and grows old with her when suddenly when he's in his 40's she dies. He needs another wife to help him look after his 5 sweet kids. Should he choose the blushing virginal bride or perhaps a non-virgin who perhaps has a few kids of her own and has experience in raising children?

What about the lady? Reverse roles for a moment and now it's a young lady in her mid twenties seeking marriage and she's a virgin and does she choose a virgin husband or not? If later he dies and she has children to take care of should she marry a virgin man or a non-virgin man? With these simple questions you can see how societies all over would strongly differ with the issue of virginity.

Some people think Muslims are obsessed with virginity. They constantly take the reward for martyrs out of context about the 72 Virgins in Jannah he'll receive. They fling it in our faces. Even my own grandfather said once to me (when I was ignorant enough not to know how to respond) "You see the mOslims running around blowing themselves and others up in the name of their God or worse for their 72 virgins in Paradise." *rolls eyes* Somehow I bet it has more to do with radical beliefs than looking forward to 72 virgins for MOST of these guys.

There is a hadith Qudsiya (sp?) about a man needing to re-marry and the Prophet (SAW) advises him to marry a virgin three times so he can take pleasure there-in. He says no I need an elderly woman to help me care for my children and their needs. I sometimes think about this Hadith. Is it better for a man when he wants to re-marry to marry a virgin? Or should he choose based upon his situation and appeal?

Is it better for virgins to marry virgins and non-virgins to marry non-virgins? Or mix it up? I'm just throwing thoughts out about this and you can come to your own conclusions.

10 intelligent thoughts:

Anonymous said...

In an ideal world, virgin women would marry virgin men at a young age. Let's face it, the hormones are strongest during adolescence.

Later, in the case of spousal death or divorce, neither man nor woman would be concerned with this matter.

And I, too, believe that Muslims are obssessed with virginity.

Najeeba said...

Assalamu alaikum,
I don't think there is such an issue of virginity in our part of the world - 'coz most of them are virgins. Both males and females. And I don't think Muslims are the only ones obssessed with virginity. Almost all people in India, regardless of reliegion, are obssessed with virginity, even though it is a Hindu majority country.

Anonymous said...

well, personally, if i'm going to marry a born muslim, i would expect him to be a virgin. hey, i've kept myself pure until marriage and i think he should too. however, if i were to wed a convert, depends.....

Safiyyah said...

Salaams Sister Najeeba:

What part of the world are you talking about?

Najeeba said...

Wassalam sister safiyyah,
I'm from Kerala, a small state on the northern tip of India. By saying our part of the world, I meant that place. Also, I don't think virginity is a problem in most eastern countries (although I'm not sure about it) and the middle east. May be in urban cities people tend to forget their morals, but in the villages where the majority lives, people don't often cross the limits.

Anonymous said...

I think all men in general are obscessed with virginity. Although I have to agree that if I were raised in a culture that says I, as a woman, should stay pure until marriage, I would expect to marry a man that believed that as well and upheld himself to those ideals.


UmmLayla said...

There was just an article in the NYT about this topic... Specifically, women in the Muslim world having surgery to give the appearance of virginity. It is an interesting topic.

I think you can argue from all angles. I DO think men would like to try a virgin once in their lives... And at the same time all men would like the pleasure of a woman who knows what she is doing.

And for women, I don't remember giving it much thought. But DH was and I wasn't (I'm not revealing anything he and I wouldn't say to anyone here). I think we are a little unusual in the Muslim world that way. My concern when looking for a spouse was that the guy didn't have kids or previous marriages... The rest was between him and Allah.

Lets face it, virginity doesn't exempt people from sexual hang-ups... We all come with our baggage. But I think we should all strive to help our children understand that it is a question they can ask and expect an honest answer to when meeting potential spouses. Which is what makes me mad about these "restorative" operations is that people are going so far out of their way to lie about it. Give me a break.... If you did it, you did it and you should be honest.... IMHO

youngMuslimah said...

to each his own..personally I echo anonymous's comments..

Anonymous said...

Kerala's in the southern part of India:)

Yasmine said...

Actually, I just had to comment on the hadith you quoted. Its not Qudsi as a hadith qudsi is from Alla stating something from Allah reiterated by the prophet (sallahu allahy wa salam)...

Anyways that hadith you are referencing to is about Jabir bin 'Abdullah who married a matron instead of a virgin because he had 9 or 7 sisters his father had left behind and he needed them to be cared for. You are correct the Prophet (sallahu allayhi wa salam) asked him why he did not marry a virgin so that he could play with her and she could play with her.

anyways... personally, I would want my husband to be a virgin too. I also want him to be unmarried. If had never been married but was not a virgin I would probably freak out and believe that despite him being a virgin would have some jahiliyah in his heart and could relapse... I dont know why i think this but only Allah knows best... this is just my thinking :)

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