American Muslima Writer -Daring to Work Towards Jannah

Some may wonder from the last post why I have this problem with letting people in my life.
It has to do with all the old friends I used to have.

First growing up I didn't have many friends though the few I had were the ones that I still have now 10 to 15 years later. When I gained weight around 5th grade I had a few friends and I used to be popular but suddenly I wasn't popular and sometimes people pretended to be my friend then a few days later wouldn't be. For 6th grade I moved across town and since i was the new kid no one wanted to really get close to me. I spent that whole year without any close friends. Only once did this girl try to be friends with me and I was so excited that everyday when we walked home from school together I would invite myself to her house thinking she wanted to always have me at her home. One day I was like do you want to go to your house or mine and she was like neither i don't like you and never have. She just wanted to know my secret thoughts about the people in class. She spread everything I said around school and then i had even less friends. The next two years I finally found a clic of kinda nerdy/music/artist/loners. We were pretty close but I was really nervous to invite myself to anyone's house after what happened in 6th grade. From 9th to 12th grade I really mainly kept to my clic and we added and subtracted friends now and then. After school finished and I was involved heavily in Islam and meeting with my fiance (now hubby) I didn't have time to really deal with friends too much. I had my roommate and her issues and that was plenty for me. Eventually I got to Lebanon and it took me about 6 to 8 months to find the Muslim Foreign sisters there.
They were very welcoming. They were all Asian and were in a group called Sahariat. I learned Fiqh Shafi from them and started learning the Companions of the Prophet. Soon after that one sister invited me to a new group of women who were all westerners (Americans, Europeans, Hispanic) and they had lessons each week too! So I began to go to their lessons too but I didn't have a best friend only two groups of acquaintances. One sister from Sweden invited me a few times to her house after classes and soon it became a weekly thing for maybe two years. Yet nearly each week I wondered if she really wanted me to come or if she was just being polite yet each week she'd invite me again so I'd assume she liked me. One of the Asian ladies and my Swedish friend we found a NEW group of really mixed Muslims from the world but all the sisters followed one ideology- Habashi (Association of Islamic Charitable Projects). SO now I had three groups and really they didn't all HATE each other but they kinda back-bited each other constantly and it was really stressful to have to choose between each group. They eventually at one point had all their Halikas on the SAME DAY at the SAME time. So I was forced to choose. I chose religion of course and had to go with the Habish because they were teaching me the fundamentals of the beliefs of Islam. So the other groups were a bit miffed at me and I wound up not calling them for a while. I was happy with my friends but I only got close to the Swedish woman and a Latvian woman.
When the war started in Lebanon 2006. I left for a few months. When I came back everything was mixed up. A lot of people had left the country for good. Others wouldn't return for a few more months. I stayed away from all groups for about 4 months. Then slowly I began visiting my old friends one by one and they would invite me to the lessons and I started going to a mix of lessons again. It was then I was preg. with my 2nd child and I started wearing niqab too. My Swedish friend had stayed in Sweden and wasn't coming back so I felt very lonely again. Though I visited other friends and enjoyed my time I didn't have a best friend. Through the Western group I met one of their daughters who was 17 at the time and she loved books like me and we hit it off. But i was to leave for UAE within a month. We visited each other a lot and she even helped me pack up. I was sad to leave everyone in Lebanon but I was a bit relieved too that I wasn't torn between groups.
In UAE I was given contact numbers for meeting new sisters and it took me a while before I called a few of them. Of course things went well and alhamdulliah they are still in my life. But they live far from me so I only can see them every few months for a dinner. I didn't contact any of the habish here because I wanted to concentrate on my troubled marriage (which is better now) and taking care of myself with the preg and then my two kids. I didn't want to be torn again between choosing friends based on geography or sects. So I've met a few sisters here and there and they've given me numbers for more sisters to meet but once again I'm to scared to all them. As you can see from my last post this Canadian Sister is the one who really brought me more out of my shell but I will always have this problem not just with meeting people but of trying to decide if they are bothered by me visiting them a lot or trying to become best friends with them. Now I must decide whether to take the next step and continue to meet with these sisters who I went to the Moulid Party with. They are Sufi, but I'd be visiting them more to just be friends. I'm just worried because the only one who I felt my soul connecting with was the Canadian who might be leaving soon. They were all nice but I didn't feel that tug on my heart to embrace them. I've always tried to follow my heart and I find myself a very good judge of character and can usually spot someone I'm going to be friend with a long time just by the first look we exchange. Should I use the other contact numbers I had gotten and try to contact more people who I might be more comfortable with or should I just keep trying to embrace this group?
The old friends of my past continue to stay with me and effect my future....

I've had a moving experience lately.



I was called one day suddenly out of the blue a few weeks ago about a Canadian Muslimah with three kids who needed help finding a hosue and a job here in UAE. Immediatly I did my best to call people and see about getting her a job but subhan'Allah everyone turned me down. Next I thought about the housing problem. Next door to me they were building houses and so I told my hubby to find out more info. He did and so finallyI had something substancial to tell this sister. But something held me back from calling her right away. I hemmed and hawed a few days and everyday my husband would say have you called her and I'd make stupid excuses why I hadn't.



The truth of the matter is I was scared. When you let someone into your life you have to expect your life to change. Either for the better or worse. Everyone you meet impacts your life in some way and I was scared of how this unknown sister in need would impact my life. Finally in the middle of dinner at the Mall I just took a few calming breaths and called her (after my hubby heckling me of course). I told her I had some info about houses and I'd like to meet with her when she had the chance. She sounded confused by my call and like she was too busy to deal with my call right then so I hung up feeling a bit sweaty but relieved i got the contact over with. Soon after I got sick and my family did too and every so often my husband and I would discuss her situation and we talked about the posibility of her staying with us if she needed. After I felt a little better I called her up to check up on her and she sounded more at ease and definitly interested in meeting me ASAP. So I arranged for her to come to my house and as soon as she stepped out of my hubby's car and onto the sidewalk and we exchanged kisses I felt this giddy feeling come over me. I welcomed her and her cute three kids into my home and we chatted non-stop. We tried to check out the houses near me but the owner was being shifty so it was a dead-end there. SO we walked up to Al-Ain Mall to socialize and get some dinner. It was a lovely walk and having someone to talk with while you walk is something I haven't experienced for a long time. We prayed together (my first time leading a woman for over a year) and ate together and shared experiences. We really clicked well together and had fun.

Finally it was time for her to go and so I bid her fond farewell after we relaxed in the garden for a while at my house. After she left I felt restless like I needed to keep talking. I needed to keep interacting. But I only had my kids to deal with. My huband was tired and hungry and just wanted to sleep soon after eating so I didn't get to chat much with him. We both agreed how nice she was though.

A few days passed and I called her to ask if I could visit her and she agreed at first but then she became so busy the next few days that I couldn't see her. I felt like i was walking on eggshells because I didn't want to seem pushy and I didn't want her to think I'm trying to stalk her or something. Sometimes I think someone likes me and then later I would find out that I like them more than they like me - so I'm cautious about overstepping boundries now. So I waited a few more days and it was finally Jummah(Friday) and I decided to cal her and ask her to have picnic with us in the park. She said she was busy because she was going to a gathering for Moulid (Prophet Muhammad's Birthday) then at the last second she asked if i wanted to come and then arranged for me to do so. I was excited. All these women's number's I had (who live in Al-Ain) for so long in my phone i was about to meet them and I got that scared feeling again. How would they impact my life?

I went to the party and had fun but the best part was really seeing how much I got along with this canadian sister. I felt drawn to her soul as I had been drawn to many of my closest friends before in the past. SO I insisted to take her home and she accepted and when we got to her house and I walked her inside we were laughing SO MUCH. She invited me the next morning (THIS MORNING) to her house and I agreed. I spent the night hemming over if she likes me as much as I like her. (this is a big issue for me)

This morning was one of the most relaxing and best days I've had since I came to UAE. We had coffee and hung out with our kids and let them run around on the grass, we laughed and chatted and had deep conversations abut life and meaning there-in. We affirmed how short this life is and how we need to think about the next life and how to get to Jannah (YA RABB!). It was the first time I felt like I really belonged as a friend since comming to UAE. She's the kind of person that you instantly become best friends with. I enjoyed my morning so thouroughly that when my husband came to pick me up in the early afternoon i was so sad. SO of course I'm worried about still if I like her more than she likes me when she invites me TOMORROW MORNING to come again. That settled it for me. OK she likes me or she definitly wouldn't invite me THE NEXT DAY. So now I will have to beg my hubby to drive me all the way again. It's amazing how much we have in common, though we grew up so far apart. She's even DaVinci like me (I let her read the book)! SO this afternoon I felt an emptyness as I wandered my house. Once again I had only myself and my small kids to talk to. I Missed having a friend there to chat with when something enters my head. It's weird for me this sudden need to socailize because I've spent the past year and few months pretty much by myself all the time and got used to it. I never knew how much I missed having friends and how much friends can be good for your life. I've been a better Muslim since I met her and I've tried my best to impact her life in good ways (insha'Allah).

The sad part of this is her time in UAE may be temporary and I might loose this friend (though there is always e-mail!) but next time I think I wont be as nervous to meet people. That I'm becoming more confident about letting new poeple into my life.

I've had this Goal for longer than I've had this blog. I've wanted to share but felt I had enough goals on the table without adding this one to it so I made a new blog for it.

http://sweatyhijab.wordpress.com

I'm still doing construction work on it because finding pictures takes time~!
Enjoy! It's all about my weight loss Goals.

Don't you just love the name Sweaty Hijab? Hehehe I bet odd images come to mind...
READ ON!

Ohh man, Last night I was up all night with two cuties who refused to sleep. It was a vicious cycle. The baby would cry for milk/diaper change/cuddling/rocking to sleep/playing all night. My 3yrs daughter wanted nothing but to lay next to me where ever i was. But she wasn't sleepy. 4 is definitly a crowd in bed so I kept having to go back and forth between the kids and try to convince the suddenly unattachable daughter to stay in her bed. She's just so clingy at night now. It's cute but definitly annoying when the baby is up too! Has anyone out there had this problem with their pre-schooler?

I felt just now I wanted to rant and rave about something but I can't because too many poeple I know including the person I want to rant about read this... and my other blog too everyone reads it. SO how can one publicly rant without anyone knowing it's me? SHould I make a secret new blog called anon and rant all day on it? But eventaully someon would find it, they always do... *sigh*

Some of my favorite books to read are Historical ROmance. I inherited a large shelf stuffed with historical Romances. Mainly of England. Beautiful Opinionated White women being sought after by Mr. Tall Dark and White Handsome. I loved the books and still do but at the age of 14 I kept searching book stores and came across "Black Romance". I thought wow that is interesting that they seperate the romance section Why can't there be mixed heros and heroines.
Later about 15/16ish I was watching boxing with my Grandfather and simultaniously formulating a plot and characters for my book when I hear "Up next England's Best Boxer from ***Shire." I look up expecting to see Mr Tall Dark and White Handsome and see a very dark gentleman pumping his boxing gloves together. My eyebrows rose but then when he started talking they nearly rose straight off my face. He had a british accent! Imagine that! a black person in England. I was beyond shocked not because of the boxer but because of my own stupidity and lack of knowledge. All books I ever read had whites in them and all history books talked about white kings and queens and royalty. I grew up with mexican friends and black friends but never did I ever hear of black poeple in England. I was angry that I was so stupid and lived in such a country that has so little multi-culturism that I'm 15/16 and was shocked by a black person with a british accent.
The same thing happened later when IN Lebanon and had learned by then that poeple from all over are all different colors and that is wonderful. I was introduced to a woman who was from SOuth Africa. I was therefore quite confused to meet a white woman with a british accent. She saw my confusion and was so sweet to me and explained about colonization and such. I felt stupid again. WHy does this keep happening. I'm not racist in any way I have friends from all colors and love them equally and dearly. But somehow becuase of the way I was raised in USA I didn't know that just because someone is from a certain area they have to be a certain color.
I just read an entry reply on PM's blog where someone said "I didn't know Puerto Ricans had (black) people." I relived the shame of that day watching the boxing match.
I read Angry Muslimah's entry on the injustice of Black WOman being treated unfairly in marriages especially darker blacks. Again I felt I wanted to comment that I'm glad she's sticking up for the sisters that need it but I was so ashamed from the day of the boxing match so I didn't reply.
I met a Canadian sister recently and was expecting to meet a white woman and was plesently surprised to see she was light black and had three beautiful dark kids. I didn't treat her differently of course because as I said I have friends from all walks of life and we had a wonderful long evening, but still WHY did I assume she was white before I met her?
So now I'm saying it for the world to hear WHY don't people understnad that there are people of all colors from all places? WHY am I constantly shocked and SHAMED?!?! I'm not racist I'M NOT!!!!!!!!! SO WHY the constant shock when I meet new people? WHy was I brought up to not know and expect things to be different?
What kind of thing should you call it when, as a child, you don't buy Black Romance novels? When you don't buy the black Barbies/dolls? When "Black Pollyanna" comes on and you get bored and switch on the white Pollyanna and are facinated? WHAT IS UP WITH THIS?!?!?! I don't like it! I'm ashamed of this!
Why didn't anyone ever tell me there ARE Black People in England!

It's very important to help our sisters of all religions and races. Please sign this


http://www.lifetimetv.com/breastcancer/petition/signpetition.php


Mastectomy: This is important!

From a nurse: I'll never forget the look in my patients eyes when I had to tell them they had to go home with the drains, new exercises and no breast. I remember begging the Doctors to keep these women in the hospital longer, only to hear that they would, but their hands were tied by the insurance companies. So there I sat with my patients, giving them the instructions they needed to take care of themselves, knowing full well they didn't grasp half of what I was saying, because the glazed, hopeless, frightened look spoke louder than the quiet 'Thank You' they muttered.
A mastectomy is when a woman's breast is removed in order to remove cancerous breast cells/tissue. If you know anyone who has had a Mastectomy, you may know that there is a lot of pain afterwards. Insurance companies are trying to make mastectomies an outpatient procedure. Let's give women the chance to recover properly in the hospital
for 2 days after surgery.
It takes 2 seconds to do this and is very important .. Please take the time.Please send this to everyone in your address book. If there was ever a time when our voices and choices should be heard, this is it.If you're receiving this, it's because I think you will take the 30 seconds to vote on this issue and send it on to others. You know who will do the same. There's a bill called the Breast Cancer Patient Protection Act which will require
Insurance Companies to cover a minimum 48-hour hospital stay for patients
undergoing a mastectomy. It's about eliminating the 'drive-through mastectomy'
where women are forced to go home just a few hours after surgery,against the wishes of their doctor, still groggy from anesthesia and sometimes with drainage tubes still attached. Lifetime Television has put this bill on their Web page with a petition drive to show your support. Last year over half the House signed on. PLEASE!! Sign the petition by clicking on the Web site below. You need not give more than your name and zip code number.

May Allah reward you...

I've always yearned to be a LADY. A proper, sophisticated, well groomed, well mannered, graceful Lady. Who's skin is always in top condition and clothes are elegant yet modest. I've searched far and wide for this "inner me". Through clothing changes, Renaissance re-enactment in the SCA, and religious change into Islam. Finally in Islam I received my answer. I already embody this Lady in my heart. Now just conforming my outside appearance would be more challenging. Obviously though the abaya it is elegant and modest and if you add the lovely black gloves it is indeed sophisticated. Hijabs of all styles allow one to be modest and still fashionable.
So OK I have the clothes and the heart. What about the graces and manners? Islam teaches the best of manners for sure and I strive to follow them. Graces?
AHHHH here is the crux of the matter! We as young girls in America don't really learn these social graces as formal education anymore. It's too 50's-ish. Feminist says we must BE men Equal in every way. So I never learned to walk gracefully balancing a book on my head etc.. I never got to learn how to primp to look best for one's husband. (I'm not talking make-up and teddies ladies....) No one ever taught me to do all these feminine things!!! I'm not talking about being able to excite a man I'm talking about being a graceful LADY. Grace and poise, grace and poise! No one taught me how best to set a formal table or which fork or spoon comes first. I was envious in the movie "Mona Lisa Smile" the Etiquette class they had.
My brother-in-law's wife is the most graceful person I've ever met. She wastes no movement as she glides (not walks). Her gestures are simple and elegant and even wearing sports clothing she exudes grace and poise. I watch her in awe. Her mother has that same grace as does her brother (but in a manly way). I wonder if it's genetic or they learned from their mother.
How does one learn grace? Why aren't we taught in school or by our mothers how to be WOMEN!!!! The ART of being a WOMAN!!! Why can't they teach us? You see these politicians wives at the sides of their husbands exuding grace and poise and the sense of everyone knowing she has a lot of control BUT SECRETLY! Where did they get it from! Where can I get it? I've read hundreds of Historical Romance books longing for the social graces they exude.

In school you are either in the popular crowd where the more flesh you show the better you get noticed or you're in the out crowd which develops your personality cause you can't make it physically. Well I fully admit it I was in the out crowd I was the FAT GIRL in school who
was made fun of. How can you learn grace if you're constantly being told you're not good enough?

I'm not graceful or elegant....*munch munch munch* !Weight goes up! People
laugh.... strive again to dance with grace but once again people laugh at the fat ballerina..... *munch munch munch* !Weight goes up! ITS A VICIOUS CYCLE!

I didn't have the option of taking home EC in school so I don't know if you learn something useful in there like how to be a good housewife and be graceful but I sure wish there was a class in this.

Why is America against bringing up good housewives and good graceful women who can teach their daughters and sons a good way to move about the earth? Sometimes I feel like a clumsy ox lumbering around my house especially when i run. I want to soar like an eagle majestic not putter like a car on empty. I know I have graceful movement sometimes and I strive to use them more but it's not learnEd so how can one teach oneself? I'm angry at America. I'm angry at feminist that don't want me to be graceful at my husband's side supporting him with my silent strength as good women can.

Now I'm all for the betterment of womankind but can't we keep our gracefulness? I want to be a LADY!

Miss Muslimah is nervous to wear hijab and that is normal. Everyone has this nervousness at first about what people will say to them.

My mom didn't like when I wore it because people asked HER questions and she didn't know what to reply.

I want all the sisters and brothers out there to write the offensive and funny comments they have gotten for hijab and what they replied to that so others can have something to say when they are confronted.... even if what you replied wasn't islamically acceptable i still wanna hear it. (shorten the cuss words though ;) )

1. Once I got off a greyhound in Tucson,AZ (my hometown) and was waiting
for my father to pick me up and this ignorant man called across the parking lot
"Hey you RAG HEAD!!!! GO BACK TO YOUR COUNTRY! WE DON'T NEED F*- POEPLE LIKE YOU
HERE!" I stood up glaring did the ungalant thing and flipped him off "I'M FROM
TUCSON YOU MORON!"

2. Waiting for a bus on my way home from school in late spring (which means
90's degreesF hot outside) and this middleaged woman is standing and i smile at
her and she gives a furtive smile. A few minutes pass as we stand silently
then she calls out "Aren't you hot in that thing?" I smile "Oh not at all,
it's blocking the sun from reaching my body. Especailly keeps my head
cool." She nodds and thinks about that as she stands in the sweltering heat and
every so often starts touching her hair to see how hot she's getting as I keep
smiling.

3. My friend in the SCA (renn. re-enactment group) comes up to me the first day I'm wearing my hijab openly (after saying shahada only a week ago). "Oh, you look really Muslim" "I AM!" I replied smiling. She thought obvisously that I think I'm pretending to be a muslim for a character. "No honey, you LOOK LIKE A REAL MUSLIM!" She emphasized. "I AM A REAL MUSLIM. I CONVERTED LAST WEEK." I emphasized back...... silence ensued as the whole group overheard and had to think about that for a while. Then my other friend Amanda popped up "Cool! I like the scarf!" I sighed as everything went back to normal. No one said anything again and things went fine after that. (Love you Amanda!)

Yalla everyone I want lots of replies to help this sister out and others who just want to share the funny/difficult things that happend to them when wearing hijab. May Allah reward you for being brave. Ask your friends to add stories too. This will be a great collection. Post as many times as you like.